Jellybeans
by HikaruAdjani
Summary: Stunned by his losses, Kaidan returns to his family's vacation home...looking for his father, and perhaps, looking for a quiet, private place to end it all. Unfortunately, or fortunately for him...he has a squatter to deal with. (Yeah, just pile the warnings up... mature situations, slash, smut, bisexuality, threesome. You are fairly and duly warned. I don't want to hear it)
1. Chapter 1

Jenna was running. She'd started off running three weeks earlier, from a less than stellar boyfriend who had decided to push what she had told him was a deal breaker... and he'd pushed it hard with the back of his hand. The final straw, then, had been her family's response to her split lip and rising bruise. If one couldn't count on family to help hold the line, then what was left there? If she couldn't stand on that one unyielding point, that she was never going to be with a man who hit her, where could she stand? And what use was a family who told her to give ground on this?

Running from home, from Kamloops, had brought her southeast. She would have, at that point, been happier to have been heading northeast, towards Edmonton. Now, she thanked whatever passed for a guardian angel that she had preferred to hop the truck driven by a woman...and pass up the one with the guy who set off all of her internal alarm bells. Alma was heading across the border, eventually, and that was something Jenna couldn't do... she'd never had a passport, nor any real desire for one, until the idea of going with the truck into the US popped up. But by then, it was all too late, so Alma had let Jenna off at Vernon, popping her a wide smile and giving her a concerned litany of be carefuls to go along with it. From there, Jenna had turned her eye towards Silver Star's big resort...those places always had just the kind of jobs that Jenna had experience in. They always needed housekeepers, waitresses, bussers, the service jobs that kept a heavily tourist economy going. So she hadn't gotten very far away from Kamloops, away from Mitch, away from her family, and her dead end life... about two hundred kilometers, but she was still far. And in a place she didn't think anybody would be looking for her at. And she had headed north, accepting a thankfully short ride north of Vernon, dropped off at the entrance to the Provincial Park that led the way towards the resort. She had felt unlucky, downtrodden, put upon... it wasn't entirely warm yet, and it definitely seemed like she was going to be roughing it that night. She chuckled bitterly at the memory, she had done more than rough it. That had been the night that they came, and only the fact that Jenna was alone, in a giant forest, had saved her. Up until then, her running had been figurative...at that moment, it became literal.

She wasn't even sure how long she'd been running, it had all sort of hazed together. All she knew was that she had to keep going, keep hiding, and stay away from other people.

"I'm tired, Papa." She breathed, hiding her face in the cave made by her thighs, her arms. "So bloody damn tired." And cold, she couldn't forget that. Wet, too. Hungry. And utterly and completely terrified. She was deep in the heart of Okanagan Valley, somewhere, and not even the glorious view that surrounded her could shift her from the dismal horror in her soul.

"I need to find a place." She muttered, rubbing her nose against her sleeve. She was smart, but right now, it was all she could do to string a simple thought together, much less act upon it. "Go to ground. Wait this out."

Funny. That made it seem like there was a chance. Maybe those who had been in Kamloops to see...whatever this was...firsthand were the lucky ones. Facing...

That was part of the problem. Jenna didn't even comprehend what it was she was facing. "You can't stay under this tree forever."

_Why not? _

Why not? Because she hadn't run this far, and this long, to just give up under a tree. She pulled herself slowly to her feet, shifting her pack, and staring warily around. It was going to rain, and it was going to be too dark to move soon. She nodded, walking slowly down the grade, minding her footing. All she needed to completely destroy her chances of survival was an injury... a broken ankle, a tumble, and it could all be over, just like that.

She ran into the house just as twilight was falling, and she stared at it hungrily. Somebody's fancy vacation home...there were a lot of them out here, and this was a nice example of one. She loved the cedar shingles, the expansive porch, the view down to the misty orchard below.

_Careful. _

She walked around it, studying the grass. It was long, it hadn't been cut in ages. There were no trails in it. The water on it was undisturbed. It just felt as empty as she did out here.

"Fuck it all." She muttered, checking out the doors. All locked, of course. Only a fool would leave a house like this unsecured. But Jenna knew people who weren't as...honest...as she tended to be. It had been a challenge to learn from them, even if she thought she had no use for the dubious skills that they had taught her. It took her a long few moments, she was rusty, and her hands trembled, but finally one of the doors popped open. A rush of stale air flowed past her, and she froze, listening.

Nothing. Still...nothing.

She stepped into the house, a bundle of fraying nerves. The room was lovely, so perfect... A wide span under heavy beams, a cobblestone fireplace, wide plank floors.

Jenna was suddenly exhausted, and had to force herself to search every corner, every inch, every nook and cranny. Nothing. She breathed a slow sigh of relief, taking stock. Four bedrooms. Two belonged to the family, she realized. The master, of course. And the second largest of the bedrooms probably belonged to a boy...or a young man, it was hard to tell. Old enough to where most of the juvenile things had been removed, but there were the stubborn remnants of a childhood left behind. Spaceship models... Jenna barely glanced at them. Hockey skates hanging from the closet door knob, the stick in the corner. The room was trying too hard to be completely grown up, a dark blue plaid comforter covered the bed, everything had been perfectly in order when it had been left. "Sorry." She breathed, closing the door behind her and making her way to the best of the two generic guest rooms.

She was going to sleep...and sleep. She had to.


	2. Chapter 2

Jenna woke to utter calm and dead silence. The room she was in was dimly lit, the bed comfortable, the sheets a gender neutral earth toned stripe. It was all completely foreign and she blinked groggily. She felt hung over, and everything hurt. Everything. Her feet, her knees, her back...even her lungs. Her heart beat in an oddly labored way for its slow speed. And she felt vaguely sick. "Damnit." She muttered, trying to piece it all together in her brain. Where the hell was she? This certainly wasn't the apartment. Or anybody else's apartment that she would recognize. This was why she didn't drink...

No, this wasn't a hang over. This was what happened after she slept for hours, after having lived in the woods for days. She was alone, somewhere in the Okanagan, playing breaking and entering with someone's luxurious vacation home.

She sat up cautiously, listening to the house. It slumbered, still peaceful, and she coaxed herself onto her feet, paddling to the hallway and looking around. Nothing. No one. Almost too good to be true.

No, the almost too good to be true came when she opened the first cabinet in the wonderful kitchen. Coffee? Sugar. She slammed all of the cabinets open in a sudden flurry... it was stocked as if the family would return tomorrow. She blinked against a sudden rush of tears, and her knees suddenly refused to hold her up anymore. The blue and white tile floor was cool against her forehead when she finally gave in and let the tears come... shy sobs at first and then a full scale wailing, howling, hiccuping blowout.

_Gonna make it through this, Jellybeans. Just put one foot in front of the other. You got the heart to do this. _

Hah. She fumbled for the dishtowel hanging from the refrigerator door pull, and blew her nose with a loud snort. Putting one foot in front of the other was what she'd been very good at during this...running the whole way. "Coffee." She muttered when some level of sanity returned, and she used he counters to pull herself upright again. It would just be insanely lucky if the coffeemaker worked...if there was power. She pressed one of the buttons, chuckling at her own stupidity. Of course there was no...

Power. The digital readout on the small appliance blinked to life and she stared at it with abject stupidity and wonder. The world ended, they were invaded by things that should only belong in a horror movie, and this vacation house had _power_. And coffee. And...she took hold of the taps...

There was a deep grumble, a breathy sputter, and water dribbled out, gaining pressure as it came. "Well, fuck me." She marveled, staring as it flowed. Was there anything more lovely in all creation than running water and a working coffeemaker?

A bath, a working washing machine, dryer, running water and a working coffeemaker, of course. Jenna set the coffee to start brewing, and did another circuit of the house, this time looking for more than things willing to kill her. Her brain had been on standby mode earlier, but not anymore. There was a washer and dryer in the finished basement, along with a complete apartment and... that room that Jenna had at first mistaken for an office. But it wasn't.

"What the?" She breathed, leaning in closer. She'd dismissed the panels as some sort of office computer, but on second glance it looked more like a sound setup of some kind. She'd had some experience with those, helped set up a few in a hotel job she'd had once. But why put this in a tiny, blind room in the basement? And why was there a detailed paper map of British Columbia on the wall above it?

The sensuous smell of coffee brought her out of her trance, squashed that part of her that wanted to know and understand everything it ran across. There was time to figure this out later, when she'd eaten. Bathed. Washed her clothes. Slept some more.

She glanced around thoughtfully. It wasn't nearly as nice down here as upstairs, but it _was_ underground. Safer, easier to hide heat signatures, easier to obscure the much fewer and smaller windows. And it felt less intrusive, less criminal...less like she didn't belong.

Back up the stairs to get her coffee and her pack, bringing them both back downstairs. When was the last time she'd changed clothes? She'd been on the road for awhile even before the attack...the invasion...the whatever. There was a TV in the corner, but oddly, she was loathe to know. What difference did it make, truly? It was over, wasn't it?

She hissed, yanking her attention from the empty screen and back to her pack. No. She just needed to stay in the here and now. Washing machine. Bath, if possible. Deal with what few things she actually had control over, and could change.

She stripped out of her filthy clothes, scrunching her face at the rank smell. Fear sweat was the worst ever, combined with things that were supposed to come, had come, but there had been little she could do about that. The handful of sanitary napkins she'd been carrying had not been nearly enough to hold her through a full period, and during the worst part, that problem had been very, very low on her list of things to deal with. So she'd bled, and had thankfully not attracted any bears or other such things with it.

She started the washer and tossed in detergent, smiling at the sharp, clean smell of lavender in the air. She crammed the clothes she'd been wearing into it, following it with the almost as dirty clothes from her pack. Watching the suds and the brown water through the front of the washer was hypnotic, soothing, and she sat in complete silence, staring at it while she sipped the coffee. It was all she felt up to managing at that moment, oddly fulfilling and comforting.

It was almost a letdown when it finished, and she pulled the clothes out and gave them an experimental sniff. The lavender was great, but not entirely up to the monumental task she'd asked of it, it would need at least another wash or two to completely kill the smell, but it was good enough for now. She pushed the clothes into the dryer and made her way to the bathroom down here. Soap. Shampoo. Conditioner. Everything perfectly laid out for their uninvited guest.

She avoided looking at the mirror as she had the TV. At least with the TV, she'd have to turn it on...but the mirror worked no matter what. She didn't need to know what she looked like. It was irrelevant, and she was pretty sure it was bad. All she wanted to do was stand under hot water and wash the filth away, it wasn't like there was anybody here to see her anyways.

It was heavenly to do just that, scrubbing away days, weeks, of filth, to run suds through her hair until she didn't smell like a wet dog anymore, then wrap herself up in a towel and search the kitchen. There wasn't anything to eat in these cabinets, it was obvious she'd have to move what was upstairs, downstairs.

Again, another trip upstairs, bringing down packets of instant oatmeal, tinned meat, and crackers for now. She'd move the rest of it later, after nightfall, whenever she woke up. What little motivation she'd gathered up was fading fast, in spite of the coffee, but she needed to eat something. She managed to eat some before her eyes got too heavy and she crawled to the bed, sliding between more gender neutral sheets and letting sleep ambush her again.


	3. Chapter 3

It was dawn when she woke again, she dragged a set of clothing out of the dryer, reheated the coffee, finished off the crackers and meat, before turning her attention to the contraption in the small office. Some sort of...something, on a closer look, it appeared to be a rather large radio. Why? Personal satellite radios were tiny and cheap these days, Jenna had been able to buy one years ago on a waitress's pay. This was not small, and it reeked of expense for some reason. The whole set up gave it a value that she didn't quite understand. She frowned at it, stumped, before delving into the drawer in the desk. More maps; Alberta, Yukon, Saskatchewan, and a dusty datapad. She plugged that in to recharge, rubbing the dust from its screen.

"Amateur Radio and You." She chuckled, shaking her head. Of course, why not? It looked like an expensive and intellectual hobby, one that managed to be both tech geeky and still have some sort of adventuresome feel to it. "Node VE7-A9911. Alenko, K. licensed operator."

She stared at the panel, suddenly ill. This had all of the answers, she realized. If it still worked, there was a big chance it would be able to tell her if anybody else was still out there, alive.

She extended a trembling finger to the power button, torn. Did she want to know? "Damn it all." She breathed, depressing it. For a long second, nothing happened, and she was both desperately relieved and completely horrified. Still alone...

The digital readouts on it suddenly flared to life, and she leaned back in the cushy office chair, regarding them warily. So, it worked...or at least, it turned on. She nodded, depressing the power button again, and the readouts faded back into gray. This wasn't a radio like she was used to, it was something well beyond that, and she had no idea how it worked...yet. But she had the datapad, and she'd bet it would answer those questions.

"Congratulations on your purchase of the Dynarange All Mode Transceiver." She read aloud, "The pinnacle of amateur radio design, your Dynarange Transceiver will give you unparalleled performance...blah, blah, blah." She muttered when the information after that deteriorated into something that looked distressingly like a high level math lesson. "How to operate...your Dynarange Transceiver is easy to operate..." Good, good, because Jenna wasn't really in the mood for frustrating operation...although a manual like this would probably describe that as challenging. "Setup..." No, it was already set up. "Receive, transmit..." Now she was getting where she needed to be. How to listen to whatever was out there.

"Alrighty, then." She nodded, pressing the power button again and switching the system over to scan/receive only, and settled down to wait.

It took awhile, much longer than she'd been hoping for, but finally, a voice reached out of the static. Then another answered it, and Jenna settled into listen, and perhaps, grasp what had happened. She wasn't completely alone, there were still others out there. They'd been invaded. Well, Jenna had already managed to figure that one out, there had been some warnings before...but she'd been dubious, and too intent on her own troubles to believe that this _was_ coming. There was a resistance in place, some military guy named Hackett had promised relief...sometime. Again, Jenna was dubious as to that one. It sounded placatory, more of a balm to the person forced to give voice to something they knew was an outright lie. She'd spent time watching old documentaries, especially those that dealt with disasters or tragedies. "Sure, bub. We'll be right back to get you...you'll be dead when we arrive, but we'll come get your corpse." Sort of a reassurance. Fun, and Jenna believed none of it.

"Husks... coordinates incoming." A string of numbers followed, and Jenna glanced at the map, taking a moment to puzzle it out. Ah, yes. There. She took one of the pins out of a small Lucite container on the desk and drove it in its correct place on the map. Not close to her by any means, but it was something to know.

It took several more hours, but by the time she was stiff, sore, hungry and bored, she had a pretty good idea of who was still left talking...and fighting in a three province area. The map had grown several more pins, most with the somber black heads that she had assigned in her own mind as the enemy. Interspersed with those were much rarer yellow ones, obvious against the pale topographical map, the people she had begun to track. She nodded, and turned the radio off. She had answers, but there was little to do with them. It was time to search upstairs, to see what was valuable to aid her in her current predicament. And maybe to indulge in just a little snooping. What harm would it be, really? These people were probably dead, if they weren't here, they'd probably been in Vancouver. And that had been the largest target around.

There was a gun cabinet in the small den off of the kitchen, and she stared through the glass. She had no urge to go out there and start playing cozy with any form of a resistance, she'd probably be more of a hindrance than any actual worth in that kind of fight. She was a waitress/bartender/ hotel housekeeper, not any sort of vid hero, but a gun would be comforting as something for the wildlife. Dinner and bear management, the same as what she was used to using a rifle for.

Like everything else she'd seen here, the rifle she pulled from the cabinet was of superb quality. The spotting scope in the other corner of the cabinet, its tripod reduced, also so much finer than anything she'd had before. These people had been comfortably well off, but she needed their stuff more than they did.

She started her ransack of the bedrooms with the master. There were clothes here, his and hers... Jenna chuckled with self deprecating humor. _His _sweaters would fit Jenna, _hers _wouldn't even come close. That was fine, through, _his _sweaters were plain and utilitarian. _Hers _were too feminine indeed, flowery and bright. She gathered up _his_ flannel shirts, _his_ sweaters and cardigans, and tossed them onto the bed.

There was a digital picture frame on the dresser, and she picked it up slowly. It was in power saving mode, the screen blank. _Pictures of dead people. _Nothing she wanted to see... It was as if her fingers had a mind of their own, touching the pad on the back. The screen flickered to life, and Jenna's heart stood still for a long, painful moment. The young man in the first frame was gorgeous, simply gorgeous. He had eyes to drown in, warm whiskey brown under expressive dark brows. Thick, slightly wavy black hair cut close, clean shaven, intelligent, well crafted features. She didn't get the sense from the picture that he was a large man, more that he probably had an athletic, slender build. That was proven when the frame advanced the images to the next one stored on it, the same man, shown in his well dressed entirety.

What a shame. A complete and total shame. Somehow this struck Jenna harder than listening to the disembodied voices on the radio. This man was dead. Gone. She sat on the edge of the bed, transfixed by the play of the images. He was definitely the younger, the son... there were plenty of pictures that showed him with what must be his parents. Many were taken here, she recognized that. And sadly, she recognized the backdrop for many of those not taken here. _Vancouver. _

She was all out of tears, like that part of her had been wrung dry, so she simply wrapped her arms around the frame and curled up around it. It was growing dark, time to go back downstairs. It was safer. And she suddenly wanted to be away from this. She dropped the frame on the cushioned bed, gathered up the clothes, and moved back down to where nothing held this dread weight.


	4. Chapter 4

It took Jenna two days to work out the kinks with the radio, to learn how to use the majority of its features to their fullest. The paper maps appeared to be superfluous, it had its own mapping program that could have been programmed to track what she was tracking. But there was something about glancing up and seeing the big picture laid out there, maybe that was why Alenko, K. had chosen it as well. That was also the first day since her arrival that she'd gotten up enough nerve to step back outside, the spotting scope under her armpit. Time to take a long, hard look around. She had been immobile for days, but for all she knew, she had blundered into her death.

The orchard had been planted on a gentle slope that aligned in a general southwesterly facing direction, and on top of that slope, the commanding high ground. She moved cautiously through the trees, noting that the boughs were heavy with fruit...apples, pears...and her mouth watered at the idea of something fresh. Fresh on the trees and fresh on the foot... there was leaf and bough damage that promised deer, and a broad, clawed print that confirmed her fear and slight hope for bear. Nothing like the scent of fruit to bring those in... Higher up the slope, a different tree, no fruit remained, the cherries had long since gone to the birds. She dropped to her knees right as she would have broken the horizon line, she wasn't fool enough to silhouette herself against the sky, for all the world to see.

She rested on her stomach, taking sight down the scope and adjusting it slowly. Nothing but an empty expanse of yellow grasses, dotted with the occasional clump of trees, another orderly orchard on the opposite side of the small valley bowl. She watched the house beyond that for a long time, until her elbows went numb from supporting her weight, but saw no signs of human life there.

Nothing. Just a whole lot of nothing. She sighed, inching her way back down the slope until its rise would obscure her height before standing and moving downhill into the depths of the orchard. There had been a couple of frosts, the fruit would be marvelously crisp and sweet now. She filled the belly of her sweater with as many as it could hold before returning to the house and firing up the radio to run in the background while she started dinner.

By now, she was starting to be able to tell the speakers apart, to remember where they were on her map, which direction they were heading in...and about how strong they were.

"Going to swing south from here through the slot, Rayb. Should link up with you guys late tomorrow morning..."

That was Zach's voice, he had a nice, grumbly tone...he sounded both capable and trustworthy. He was moving with a group of near relatives, cousins and such, south into her general area as the weather worsened farther north. Rayburn sat in a position vaguely northwest of her, and to reach him, Zach would have to... She dropped the apple she'd been eating and moved to the map.

She sighed, torn. Her original plans had simply been to listen, to eavesdrop. But this was bad. Bad. She picked up the headset, settling on her head, and took a deep breath before she cut into their frequency, their conversation. "You don't want to do that."

Silence reigned and she squirmed in response. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Or maybe she hadn't figured out how to use to radio like she thought, and they hadn't even heard her...

"And why is that, exactly?" Zach returned warily and she nodded to herself, studying the map again.

"Because I've been tracking the movements of everybody I can hear and..." She stared at the two pins set into the top of the path in question, "I've got two groups that went that way over the past two days and I haven't heard from them since. Danby's group and Maurer's group."

"She's right." A third voice cut in suddenly, another male, his voice abashed. "We've been waiting for Maurer, and that was the route he was taking down. And we haven't heard from Danby, either."

"Fuck. What do we call you, sweetheart?" Rayburn demanded, and Jenna contemplated the question. No, she couldn't give them her real name, for so many reasons. She didn't need to confess like that...

"Call me Jellybeans." She chuckled wryly. She never thought she'd see the day where she claimed the hated childhood nickname of doom. But if this ever ended, she wanted to be able to vanish. Telling everybody left to listen her actual name was simply stupid.

"Very well, Jellybeans. You've been tracking us? How big is your monitoring zone?"

Although the radio's documents claimed it to be able to pick up pretty much anything, the idea of listening and following a world wide mash of input had sounded futile, confusing and too much for her to handle. "BC, Saskatchewan, Alberta, and the northern half of Washington and Montana."

"You've got that kind of range?" The abashed third voice sounded dubious, and Jenna glanced at her left handed panel, set to display her reception footprint overlaid on a topographical map. That, and much more. It was a tiny portion of what she believed she could actually pick up.

"More, but that's what I've got it focused into. Why?" She was missing something...

"All satellites and reception towers are down, you can't have that kind of range."

"I'm on an all mode transceiver." She grinned stupidly at her reflection in the panel. She sounded like she knew what the hell she was talking about. "No satellites involved. Amateur radio. Old tech."

"What's your system?" Rayburn, sounding much less dubious.

"Dynarange X 1900."

His response was absolute silence and she wondered what she'd said wrong...or had she lost his signal? It looked fine on the screen... "So, Jellybeans." He finally spoke, slowly, deliberately. "It's a distinct pleasure to _finally_ meet you. You ready to start picking up your slack?"

"Slack?"

"We could have used tactical oversight like this from the beginning... someone capable of bridging our communication gaps. You decided to sleep through the invasion, why?"

"I wasn't here from the beginning. I arrived here four days ago. It took me two to figure out how to work the radio. It's not like it was mine to start with."

"My apologies then." He sounded slightly distant, and she could just hear wheels turning in his head. This was the man that they all listened to, whose direction they followed. If anyone was in charge in the area around her, it was him. "I have your base frequency. Are you alone?"

Oh, that was a suspicious question, and she let her doubts air when she refused to answer it. "Okay, then." He chuckled. "You're alone. Which means we can't have 24 hour coverage from you."

Well, no. Obviously not. "And alone means you've got no support. So, Jellybeans, I'm going to ask you for four hours a day."

"Four?" The abashed voice sounded anything but abashed. Zach had remained silent through the conversation, obviously willing to let Rayburn do the talking and planning. "Rayburn..."

"So you want our new communications operator to starve, Travis? She needs time to take care of herself as well. We're now much better off than we were just an hour ago, be as grateful as I am."

"Agreed." Zach finally threw in. "We work out a schedule with Jellybeans that will work for all of us."

So that was how Jenna became one of the main voices of the North American resistance, the woman who watched an ever increasing footprint of tactical input, kept tabs on movements, gave suggestions on routes and tied far-flung groups together. No one was more shocked than she was at just how adept she was at it. She'd never been particularly good at anything before in her life, nothing in her life had been much of a challenge until then.

Jenna shambled over to the radio, coffee in hand, ready to come on for her first morning shift. They'd worked out a schedule of morning, noon, afternoon, and night... one hour each period...as the best way to cover the most traffic in her four hours. As the weather had worsened, she did tend to spend more time on, and if she was aware of a major movement, she made time to watch over it. But today was supposed to be a quiet day, she planned to do housework most of it. There was a low lying storm system threatening bad weather, and she was more than willing to just listen to what little traffic she was expecting...

The system came online to absolute chaos, a thunder of contacts, the screens lighting up in an attempt to digest so much information at once. "What the hell?!" Jenna whispered, the coffee cup slipping from her fingers to shatter on the floor. She had never imagined so much traffic was even possible...

"Civilian Amateur Radio Node VE7 dash A niner niner 11, this is Alliance Fifth Fleet tactical command _Everest_, come in, over."

What? It took Jenna several seconds to realize that they were even calling her. She'd never paid that much attention to the radio's legal designation, she barely even knew it had one. Alliance Fifth Fleet? She really wished that she hadn't just spilled her coffee all over her shins, because she suddenly needed a large dose of caffeine.

"This is..." She focused on the tiny string of numbers that lived in the screen's lower left corner. " VE7-A9911...over?"

"Ah. Good of you to join us. We've been informed of your status and role, and have been waiting for you to come online. We understand you have the best grasp of the Vancouver area tactical situation, over."

"Uhhhhh...yes." Up until last night, the map over Jenna's panels had had the most up to date information on her particular theater. "Or I did before you guys arrived." This was their promised relief? It had actually come? She sat slowly, staring at the screens. How was she supposed to make sense out of this? It was just a rapidly flowing blur of input, coming in too quickly to make heads or tails out of.

"Good. Good. Stand by for tactical download/upload...over."

"That's not going to be happening." Jenna had had a lot of lonely time to fertilize her tendency to over-think things, and she could only spend so much time pining over the pictures of a dead man. It hadn't taken very many hours of watching the mist settle over the orchard before she had realized that there was a strong possibility that someone could hack into the computers that controlled the radio logs and history, track the painstaking progress of the groups that Jenna was responsible for. There simply wasn't any information kept stored on the system anymore, Jenna had made certain of that. "The history logs are purged every time I log off." The most damning piece of intelligence was the map...and it could burn.

There was an audible rusty chuckle behind the prim operator, someone was pleased. Jenna had no idea who, but it certainly wasn't who she was speaking to. "You have no tactical logs, over?" The operator asked, dismay obvious in his syllables.

"Damn straight I don't. And quite honestly, I have no idea who the hell you are. I know who you say you are, but how am I supposed to verify that? For all I know, you're a quisling. Or a construct. I'm not simply handing over everything I have on this area because you _say_ you're my relief. Bullshit."

"Admiral?" The operator asked warily, "Your orders?"

The rusty, deep voice that had chuckled came over her line, clear as a bell. "Give her our tactical download. She's going to need it, and she'll realize soon enough who we are. Can't blame her for taking care of her own. Settle down for the long haul, British Columbia A9911... because we're here to take back Earth, Hackett out."

Settle in for the long haul. The right hand screen went blank, then suddenly began filling with with the verbal information that was supposed to make sense out of the blur of contacts, their order of priority, all of the filters she needed to be able to focus on her part in this. Each of the bright new contacts was labeled with a military designation, and she sighed. It was time for a new cup of coffee while she tried to puzzle out exactly what she was supposed to be doing here.

"Jellybeans to friends list, Jellybeans to friends list. Talk to me, people." She sighed, deciding to start from the ground up.

"What in the hell is going on, Jelly? Things have gone crazy, and we're getting nothing back. Most of our communications are dead, you're the first clear voice we've gotten since just before dawn." Rayburn's familiar, comforting voice was strident, concerned.

"I've got contacts claiming to be with Alliance Fifth Fleet in play. I can_not_ confirm that."

The download stopped, and Jenna gave the screen a measuring stare, ignoring the sudden silence on her main channel as the resistance chewed on her words. It looked...right, she supposed. But how was she supposed to know? She was a waitress.

"British Columbia A9911, this is Hackett, over." That gravelly voice was still amused, and she glared ahead. "Kindly go take a look out of your windows and wave at us."

_What?_ Jenna leapt to her feet, snatching up the rifle and sliding up the stairs. She'd always been a little surprised that no one had tracked her signal, there was nothing in the transceiver's blurb that said anything along the lines of "In case of alien invasion, implement the following measures to stealth your Dynarange X-1900's signal..."

She could hear the growling rasp of big engines on a slow idle, and she took a cautious peek out of the curtains. There was a large, boxy vehicle, painted blue and white, in the cleared space between the house and the orchard. Three armored men stood beside it, two with guns at the ready, and one in the center carrying a black case. "Hello, the house!" One of them called, and Jenna sighed. That was definitely still completely human, and it all looked about as legit as it could at this point. She'd still prefer that they not be here, and she wasn't exactly sure why they were.

She warily opened the door, taking as much cover as she could, and peered out at them. "Yeah?"

"Got visual on her, sir. Going ahead with plan."

It was eerie to not be able to pick out which one of the three were speaking, and worrisome that there was a _plan_ she didn't have a part in _plan_ning.

"Morning, ma'am." The one in the center removed his helmet, spreading his hands. "Corporal Rance. I'm here to bring your node up to milspec so that you can keep up with our communications systems, and be up to security measures. I understand you're using a Dynarange X-1900?"

"Uh...yeah." His head looked almost absurdly small...he wasn't nearly as big as she'd first thought, encased in bulky armor. Just an ordinary looking guy, even though he was the first person she'd seen in... well, it seemed like a lifetime. What in the hell was going on? The military was landing in force, she got that, but why was she even a blip on their screen?

"The top of the line hobbyist model..." He chuckled, shaking his head, "Twenty years ago. Solid across the board, fantastic range and clarity. In your position, it would have been exactly what I'd be asking for. Let's go take a look at it."

Jenna sighed, somehow she'd just gotten volunteered...again. "This way." It didn't seem like she really had a choice. She led them down to the basement, gathering up a handful of coffee cups and pouring each of them one. "Here." She breathed, pushing them and a plate of fresh apple bread to the marines. "Might as well have some coffee since you're here. So this is all legit? You're here to take us back?"

The other two men removed their helmets as well, giving her grateful grins as they accepted the coffee and bread. "Yes, ma'am." The taller of them grinned as the tech studied the radio, his gaze flicking up to the map.

"When was this last updated?" He asked, and Jenna knew he could send an image of it to the flagship above them easily enough. "And what is your key?"

"Last night, about 11 pm. The black are presumed enemy, yellow are confirmed friendly, red are friendlies I've awaiting contact from, or may have lost."

"Image is accurate up to minus four hours prior." He spoke into the air, then opened the hard case and began to pull out random pieces of tech. He glanced at the screen, then blinked. "Alenko?"

"Uh..." What exactly were they doing to squatters these days? Did what she had done qualify as looting? Jenna froze in place, wishing there was someplace to run to, to hide in. This had just far exceeded her comfort zone...

"None of your concern, Corporal. Let it go." Hackett's gravelly voice spoke clearly from the speakers in his neck bracket, and he dropped his gaze back to the radio.

"Understood, sir. Yes, I can bring her rig up to milspec with no problems. She'll be on our network in half an hour, if that."

"Good. Good."

He worked in silence while Jenna stewed. His companions didn't seem at all unnerved, happy to drink coffee, eat her apple bread, and occasionally make comments to the vehicle outside. "You can take them some as well." She finally said, motioning to the plate. "I mean, you've got time, right?" Maybe if they liked her, they wouldn't shoot her for looting...or whatever.

"Yeah, thanks. They'll appreciate it." The shorter of the two, a sandy blond, picked up the plate and walked away. Jenna knew he'd gone through the rooms above before he left, there was much too long a pause between him reaching the top of the stairs, and the sound of the door opening.

"So, what's the deal here?" She finally got up the nerve to ask, and Rance tilted his head, still plugging things in and reading screens.

"We have no accurate ground tactical anymore. You do. You're up to date, you're capable, and you're trusted. If we give you the tools, you will be invaluable support for this mission. Today, we liberate our home. Without the resistance, without people like you, there wouldn't be anything left to liberate. You deserve the chance to stand with us today."

"Well, Jellybeans? Do we have a confirmation yet? Do we have relief?" The transceiver came back online, and she picked up the headset.

"I would say yes, Rayburn. Seems to be exactly what they're claiming..."

"Rance to _Everest_ tac, do you read? VE7-A9911 should be on our system as of right now...over."

"Confirmed contact, Rance. She's live. Proceed to next node, over and out."

He nodded, replacing tools in the case and stood, offering his hand. "Good luck, and welcome aboard." He wished, shaking her hand, draining his coffee cup and picking up his untouched bread. "We're just getting started, hate to eat and run, but..." He saluted and strode towards the stairs, followed by the remaining marine. Moments later, she heard engines stir, and they were gone.


	5. Chapter 5

It was one of the greatest periods in Jenna's life. She was a part of something great, truly a supporting part of the liberation of her home world. Any idea that she would handle the occasional traffic, sporadic contacts, was a laugh. She was in a constant flurry, handling the traffic of one of the few remaining ground based transceivers in Canada. With the update it had received, it could reach the fleets in orbit, it could be slaved directly to _Everest_'s tactical array. And it seemed like the better Jenna did, the more traffic there was for her to manage. It was a constant, unending barrage, and she was too damned busy to fully grasp exactly what she was doing. Somewhere along the way, she ceased being Jellybeans, and became British Columbia A9911.

There was the sound of an explosion close by, and Jenna was dropped firmly out of her reverie. What the...? _"Everest _Tac this is British Columbia A9911..."

"A9911, we are aware of the action in your vicinity, and have sent support. Please disregard and continue, over."

The twilight air was suddenly peppered with the sounds of guns, the roar of engines, and she clenched her teeth together. _Please disregard _as her home became a war zone, with her stuck right smack dab in the middle of it?

She took a deep breath, bit her lower lip, and placed her fingers back on the keyboard. Even if they were lying to her, there was little she could do. Her job was simple and obvious, keep doing what she'd been doing. All she could do was pray that she really was as important as they seemed to think she was.

"BC A9911's position is secure, _Everest_." That contact was clear as new glass, as if the speaker was standing a foot behind her in the same room. "We will stay on site...over."

"Affirmative. We can't lose that ground node, _Everest_ out."

Jenna nodded. Well, it was good to be standing on top of something that the flagship considered to be a 'can't lose' priority. She wasn't that important, but apparently 'her' radio _was_. And at that moment, she was good with that.

The initial push went on for hours, unabating. Jenna was well beyond discomfort when her screen went blank, and she froze in panic. "British Columbia A9911." That voice, the rusty, gravelly, sternly amused one that she would know recognize anywhere, cut through. "Need you to get some sleep. You're offline for the next seven hours, no matter what you do, _Everest_ out."

Sleep? Jenna gazed stupidly at the room around her. The sky was still the dim color it had just been moments before...it was still twilight. What was he talking about? She tried to stand and nearly fell over her own feet, her legs screaming at the idea of holding her weight up. Pins and needles coursed down her thighs, and she released a flow of bitter profanity, staggering to the downstairs door and peering out. Yes, it really was the same color outside as it had just been, but the lighter part was on the opposite side of the horizon. It wasn't twilight. It was dawn. She was suddenly exhausted, starving, and had to piss like a racehorse. "Seven hours, huh?" She asked, moving upstairs to take a look out of the front of the house. There was a military vehicle dug into the lowest part of the orchard slope, she could vaguely see bipedal forms moving close to it, protected by its shadow. They were watching over her. Or her radio. It didn't matter, really...all that mattered was that someone was here, and they were on her side. She nodded to herself, going back downstairs and standing under a flow of hot water in the shower.

She dragged herself to the bed, rolled in and covered herself up. And she dreamed of skating... not the usual, bitterly frustrating dreams that were her usual ones of that, but graceful, peaceful, glorious moments...her blades singing on the ice, powerful, confident, at one with herself. Back when she'd loved what she was doing...

She woke to the background fuzz of the radio left on, and receiving static. She felt like hell only slightly warmed over, but she forced herself to leave the bed, to get dressed and make a big batch of coffee. She'd had no warning, so coffee was all they were going to get... the bread was long gone.

She approached the vehicle warily, making certain that the marine on watch saw her the moment she appeared out of the house. "Morning, ma'am." He greeted softly, his visor still turned towards the orchard approach. It was so silent, foggy and overcast, like the orchard was wrapped in cotton wool.

"How's it going?" She asked in a near whisper, resting the carafe on the vehicle.

"Good. Good. We've secured Vancouver and Edmonton. This area is pretty much under control. Is that real coffee?"

"Yeah. It is. And if you can, there are apples on the trees for the taking. They're good. I'll be coming back online in a minute..."

He nodded, bobbing his helmeted head. "Thanks. We'll be here if you need us, but I don't think you will." She could feel the weight of his stare on her all of the way back to the house, and she sighed. Men. All the same, always.

She ate a quick breakfast, had some coffee, took a deep breath and joined the fray again.


	6. Chapter 6

It took days, the first four were the worst. If Jenna was not asleep, she was on the radio, watched over for the first two days by the marines positioned outside. They were gone by the third morning, which was both comforting and a little disturbing. They had been a reminder that there were still people around, living, breathing souls out there...and they'd come to watch over her. But then they were gone without so much as a goodbye, leaving Jenna alone with a foggy orchard, an empty house, and a digital frame filled with pictures of a desperately handsome, and sadly dead, young man. It took a little more snooping to give him a name, and she snorted in amusement. Why, why was she not entirely surprised he had one of _those_ first names? The names her mind immediately gave to handsome, wealthy young men in expensive clothes...the ones who vaguely noticed her breasts, but considered her no more than a cheap fuck... Brayden, Hayden, Jayden.

Kaidan. His name had been Kaidan, Kaidan Alenko. And he'd been in the military, a Systems Alliance marine. Truly sad, she knew from bitter experience that those had taken a hard hit, so even if he had not been in Vancouver during the invasion, his chances of survival were extremely slim. He was gone. Just like Vancouver was gone. And Kamloops. All that remained was what she had here, and that seemed to be solitude. A whole lot of it, whether she wanted it, or not. She didn't really, she'd always had hopes, dreams... a decent guy who loved her. A nice place. A couple of kids. Some sort of a life. Better than what she'd grown up with, but nothing grandiose. Nothing that had been out of reach...last year. Before... She sighed, picking up the frame and wandering the house. That was going to be it, everything seemed to melt down to _Before_. Well, this was _After_. And _After_ seemed like a lonely place indeed. "Well, Kaidan." She breathed, moving downstairs with the frame. "Looks like it's just you and me now."

. ` . ` . ` .

Everything hurt. Everything. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to try to hold his breath. His own heartbeat hurt as the blood surged through his veins. During his more coherent moments, Kaidan was aware that he was drugged out of his skull. He was aware he was in a hospital. He was aware of machines that blinked and beeped, of faraway voices that used medical mumbo jumbo as a language. He should understand it, he'd had training as a medic, for crying out loud, but nothing seemed to want to string together correctly. He wanted to speak, to ask questions, but there was a tube down his throat and his jaw was taped shut around it. His hands were either too heavy to pick up, or they were also taped down, he couldn't be certain. His eyelids were either too heavy to pick up, or... yeah. That.

And the voices never seemed to cease. Some of them were familiar, but none of them were the voices he would fight to wake up for. _Where is John? _John should be here. John should come to his bedside. He always had before, or was that now? Too much work to try to figure it out, it was just easier to slide back into the twilight darkness he'd been inhabiting.

He came to, again, sometime later. Much of the drug induced haze had lifted, he could join thoughts together, but there was still the feeling of pharmaceutical insulation around his mind. Now, nothing hurt, at all. Everything was numb. Everything.

"Kaidan."

Oh, now _that_ was wrong. He'd been expecting John, or any other _Normandy_ crew member to be sitting at his side. Any number of people he'd fought alongside, those he considered his family, his comrades in arms, those who knew him better than anybody else did. Not his _mother_.

But he was spared the need...or ability...to answer her. His jaw was still taped closed. His hands rested at his side like lumps of meat, but he could coax his eyelids open, finally.

"Kaidan." She repeated with a faint smile, but there was fear and anxiety in her eyes. "You're awake."

Well, sort of. He didn't feel all there, not completely awake or aware. What...had happened? This wasn't the first time he'd come to in a hospital bed, but then he'd been at Huerta Memorial. John had been there.

"You're going to be okay." And he believe her more if there wasn't doom and gloom under her syllables. How was he supposed to believe it if she didn't? "You did it, Kaidan. It's over." She breathed, smoothing his hair back from his forehead. There seemed to be more of it to smooth than there should be...he was a marine. His hair was kept longer than most enlisted, one of the perks of being an officer, but it was never, ever long.

Over? What was over? What had he done? What was she talking about?

"The Reapers. The invasion. It's over. You stopped them."

_"Don't leave me behind! John, don't leave me behind. Not again."_

_ "I love you, Kaidan. Always. But I have to do this. Garrus, take him. That's an order." _

Kaidan didn't need the verification of several sets of monitors attached to him screaming in protest, he knew that he panicked. And he knew that part of him died in that moment, the moment he fought his way through the drug induced solace and faced the truth. John had gone. The son of a bitch had left him behind. Again. He'd succeeded, but he wasn't here. That would have been the first thing out of his mother's mouth if Shepard had come back... right? But maybe not...he'd never been exactly forthcoming with the details of the relationship he'd shared with John. The _Normandy_ crew had known it, and remained tight lipped about it. The brass probably knew as well, and they had also kept it close. For them, the concern had been about keeping Kaidan's reputation, John's reputation, clean of fraternization rumors, they couldn't care less about the genders of the officers involved. Kaidan had gotten the sense that John's mother was well aware of it, and had apparently said nothing about it...if she had, then John had not shared. His parents, however...were another thing altogether. It had been hard enough trying to deal with them, his father especially, without throwing "Hey, this is my lover, John!" into the mix. Kaidan had been enough of a freak, enough of a disappointment as it was. His parents put on a brave face, they remained stoic and fought the good fight trying to accept him, but they'd never understand him. Hell, most of the time he didn't even understand himself.

_Shepard! _He focused on her, willing her to speak...to confirm or deny his worst fears. _Where is John? _Had he just retreated to a safe distance away from Kaidan's mother, to avoid giving things away?

_We did it. No, John did it. Saved the galaxy. My God... _

The monitors kept up their fussy, chirpy warnings. "Can I take it from here, Mrs. Alenko? A moment with the Major, alone?" That was one of those voices he recognized, Hackett's voice was unmistakable.

"Of...course, Admiral. Please don't..."

Hackett remained silent, and she finally gave way and left when he didn't bend to her unspoken request. "Alenko." The older man finally breathed, sitting on the stool next to Kaidan's bed. "You already know, then...that the London mission was a success. Shepard made it to the beam. Not sure what he did...but it worked. You've been out for weeks, first in the _Normandy_'s med bay, and then here, on Earth." Hackett rested a palm on the back of Kaidan's hand, unconcerned with the array of IV lines skewered into his flesh there. "Shepard is...missing in action. We're still looking, Major. We haven't given up hope for him, he's come out of worse predicaments."

_Sweet Zombie Shepard, back from the dead. _

"The _Normandy_ is fine. It took them awhile to limp back home, they kept you in a coma for the trip."

Kaidan frowned... had he been that bad, or had they simply not wanted to deal with him? No, they'd listen to him bitch rather than laying him up cold in the med bay, rather than running the risk of keeping him comatose. It was all just a huge blur of panic, resolve, bright lights, and echoing noises, the smell of explosions, the taste of his own bile, his own blood.

"Yes, Major, you were...you are...that badly injured." Hackett continued as if Kaidan had been able to speak. "We need to you to recover. Humanity needs a hero, a living one, a point of hope for the future. Without Shepard..." That responsibility fell to _Normandy_'s executive officer, one Major Kaidan Alenko. He'd been there through pretty much everything, had gotten to within meters of the beam, in his usual place, just behind Shepard... trying to clear the way forward. He vaguely remembered something falling towards? On? Him...and then an explosion. Garrus picking him up, dragging him clear...and then Shepard, looming over him. Garrus had tried to get him back up, on his feet, but there had been little more than agony and John had seen right through it.

_"Normandy_, need medical evac at the beam site, now." His voice had been steel, and his eyes had not met Kaidan's.

"Don't leave me behind..." Not again. His worst nightmare was in play again, Shepard was gone, again. This was a horrible replay of a time that had almost broken him. He couldn't do it again.

_Why didn't you just let me die? Why did you have to fight to keep me here? I could have gone, just slipped away, still at Shepard's back. That was the way to go. _

Now, he was left with no good options. Go through this again, exist without Shepard... or laugh in the face of all of those who had fought to keep him alive by undoing it all later.


	7. Chapter 7

It was snowing and Jenna watched the flakes fall, sad. It just seemed to add to the isolation, the distance between her and other people. On some sane level, she knew she was in an untenable position. Eventually, she would have to leave, but the very idea scared her. If she just stayed put, she could avoid the worst of it all, she could avoid seeing the destruction at Kamloops. Vancouver. She could avoid having to face the fact that she had probably lost every single person that she had ever known. "Goddamn." She breathed, shaking her head. It was getting bad enough that she was missing _Mitch_, and she'd considered herself well over that long term mistake.

No, truth be told, what she was missing about Mitch certainly wasn't his company, but something housed a lot lower on his body than where he had carried his brains. He'd been a pretty uninspired lover, from what she understood of the concept, but he'd had a lot of staying power and interest. He'd gotten the job done...and Jenna needed that particular job done. Doing it for herself was a pale imitation of the real deal.

"The world ends, and you're upset that you're horny... Jenna Marie." It was stupid to talk to the room, but talking to the picture was creepy. A cat would have been a welcome idea, but she'd seen none since she'd gotten here. There was always the radio, but that wasn't entirely real...and eventually someone might put the pieces together and realize she wasn't supposed to be here. And even if they didn't care about that, how long before they started to push her to 'rejoin' society? It was all just too much to handle.

When had she lost herself in all of this? She'd never been particularly brave, but this was insanity, pure and simple.

_You survived an all out alien invasion of Earth. _

And had seen very little of it. Which might just be worse... she had no real idea of what was gone, and what was still there. She'd always had a vivid imagination, happy to make shit up. And an all out alien invasion was rich fodder for it.

_Going to have to leave. Sooner is better than later. _

How? Where? Certainly, she was running out of food...but there wasn't anything for miles that she knew of. There was no vehicle here. No vehicle at the house across the way, either. She'd not been above helping herself to what they had, but there was precious little there. Unlike the Alenkos, that family had truly put their vacation home to rest. Walking out on the offhand hope that there was enough left at Vernon to make a difference? Thirty kilometers or so, one way. Hope there was something at Lumby? Closer, but still it seemed...foolish.

No, her foolish had been to remain here even after the planet was liberated. It wasn't as if winter was a completely foreign concept, it had always been there, lurking in the back of her mind.

"You are a gutless wonder, Jenna." She damned herself, but somewhere along the way, this place had become home. Her home, and she loved it. Except she had no idea how to keep it... even if she stole a vehicle from somewhere, she'd need a job. And she sincerely doubted if people were still skiing at the resort, to need bartenders, waitresses, or hotel housekeepers. "Well. Fuck my life." She mourned slowly. Nothing like surviving the end of the world, only to still have no prospects whatsoever.

.`.`.`.`.

Kaidan was well aware he was walking a very thin line. He couldn't act completely fine because nobody, nobody at all would buy that he could breeze away from everything, even if they didn't know just how attached he had been to John. And if they knew even the slightest thing about him, his chances of making that work fell precipitously. He was a brooder, someone who couldn't simply put things behind him quickly or easily. His mother knew that, she'd seen him at...well, not his worst, but pretty damned deep. But if he showed how he truly felt, he'd never get out of the hospital, unless it was to go straight into a psych ward.

Physically, he was recovering well. He could walk again, draw a full breath without doubling over. His surgical incisions were healed tightly. He'd stopped pissing blood. He only wished his soul was half as resilient as his body was willing to be. It was all just such a waste. So much time, so much effort invested in getting him back on his feet, in turning him into the hero to stand in Shepard's place. As if he _ever_ could.

"I want out of here." It would be suspicious if he didn't start agitating for that sooner than later. He'd never been a fan of hospitals, and suddenly accepting this one was just another thing he'd never do if he was halfway on the road to a true recovery. It was odd, playing a version of himself, being 'Kaidan Alenko, it's been rough but I'll make it!' instead of what he actually was. An act, just smoke and mirrors...so that the people around him could say that they had no clue...none whatsoever... that things were that bad with him. Sure, he was down. Depressed. But not _that_ depressed.

It had been months since London, and still no hint of John. But the Citadel was huge, a vast expanse...he could be lost, hidden in so many places, his remains...

No. If he went there, it would all collapse around him. "You know I'm well enough, especially since my Mom..." Wouldn't let her eyes off of him. It was oppressive, cloying...he was a grown man. Thirty six years old. Admittedly he was a suicidal thirty six year old grown man, but still. Her neediness was adding to his burdens, he was all she had left and perhaps she sensed he wasn't committed to staying. But he couldn't handle living for someone else...existing for the rest of his days like that.

Damnit, he deserved better. He deserved more. He didn't deserve to be pressured into taking on a pale shadow of life, to live like this. Yes, Shepard had been the one in the front, but Kaidan had still done more for his people than just about anybody else _but_ Shepard. He deserved to be happy, and that chance had been snatched away, again. Why couldn't they just let him go?

"You're close to that, Major. Just a couple more days, and we'll clear you for limited discharge."

Ah, yes, Kaidan understood the limited part of limited discharge. They were still wary, watchful. "Thank you." He murmured, moving to stare out of the window while the doctor quit the room. He just wanted a moment to himself, to try to collect his thoughts...but again, he wasn't going to get it. He sensed a presence behind him, and he pushed away from the window, jaw clenched... "Mom, just give me a minute..."

The woman behind him raised a brow over steely blue eyes, exactly the same color as her son's, her only child's... She was 'Mom', alright, just not Kaidan's mom. "Captain Shepard. I'm..."

"Reaching the end of your rope, Kaidan?"

"Yes." This was not an encounter he'd been expecting. What did he say? What did she know? What should she know? John got along with her much better than Kaidan got along with his mother... "It's good to see you." He finally managed, pushing through the pain. Yes, she reminded him of John, it went without saying. But she was also missing John...

"I'm worried about you." She stated, moving into his hospital room and closing the door firmly behind her. She was a tall woman, equal to Kaidan's height, John had her eyes, her hair color, threaded with silver, but the base color was his black...so very alike. "I know what you were to John. He told me."

To be able to share that with his mother...Kaidan would give anything, but he knew better. "I love John." It was so simple. "Have for years."

"I know. And I know it wasn't easy. He put you through a lot, put all of us through a lot. But you and me, the most. He's not easy to love. Easy to like. Easy to follow. But not easy to follow through with. I am sure he loved you, Kaidan. That was not a word he used lightly." She sat in the chair next to the window, her gaze faraway. "I'm asking you to be honest with me now."

He heard the trap spring, but there was little he could do to avoid it. She wouldn't dance around anything, John had inherited his propensity to cut straight to the point from his mother. "About?" He asked warily.

"Before you met John, what did you want? Or was he that?"

"From the beginning? No." He locked his fingers together, and considered his answer. "Obviously, I'm..." She remained stubbornly silent, and he sighed, no help from that quarter. "Bi, as John was. Kind of a guilty little pleasure that I wasn't really forthcoming with. I figured I'd already freaked my parents out enough as it was... being biotic, bringing down BaAT the way I did, the way I swirled the toilet drain after that. I decided the best would be to just not let them in on that little secret. There was a girl from BaAT that I was obsessed with, way over the top I see now. Before John...what did I want? A wife. Children, definitely. I wanted to be a father, so very, very badly. And now you're going to try telling me I can still have that. I'm not too old. I can start again...again."

She snorted in amusement at that, her glance turning towards him. "You can, Kaidan. It may be over for John. Hell, by now, I'm willing to admit that it probably is...although we still have over a year before he beats how long he was gone the last time he died. And came back."

"I don't know if I can do this."

"He'd want you to."

And that was hitting below the belt. It went without saying that would be what John would want, if he was truly gone. It hadn't been said, there had been no need to...then. If the roles were reversed, if Kaidan had been the one lost, then of course he would want John to find another. Perhaps have that family, John had been quite the sexual omnivore...

"There would be only one thing more tragic than losing my only child, Kaidan." She stood slowly, clapping him on the shoulder. "And that would be to lose him _and_ the man he loved. Give it some thought. Give it some time. Don't do anything hasty...you can always kill yourself later, but it's damned difficult to return from the dead."


	8. Chapter 8

Don't do anything hasty. Well, after only three days of living in the same apartment with his mother, on his 'limited' discharge, Kaidan was contemplating a great many hasty ideas. When had this gotten so difficult? He could remember a time when they'd gotten along, before Brain Camp. But he'd changed...and then changed some more. His parents had been unable to handle it, and this rift had opened up. He was an only. He had been given everything, and he was supposed to have been... better than he was. Not perfect, but normal. Even when he'd done everything right...after all...what more could he have done than help save the world...the galaxy... he'd been dragged back, a comatose wreck. Yet another setback he had to fight through.

"Where are you going?" She demanded from behind him, her gaze locked on the small bag he was packing. "You can't go. You're still recovering, they said..."

Kaidan was well aware of what 'they' had said, but he felt pretty good and it wasn't as if he was going to go rushing alien beams. "I'm going to Lumby." He stated firmly, "That was where you and Dad were headed to, right? The orchard?"

"Yes."

"And it's where he would have gone, if he was able to?"

"Yes." Her stare was openly defiant. "He didn't make it, Kaidan. He would have contacted us if he had. The radio..."

And that was a terribly valid point, if his father had made it to the vacation home, he certainly knew how to use Kaidan's radio setup. "I'm still going. It's the last hint we have, the only place to start." If he couldn't look for John, then he'd look for someone else. And it was a brilliant, noble excuse for getting the hell out of this cramped apartment, one that there were few solid arguments against. Giving himself some space, some time alone. That's what he needed, time to think. Time to understand. He needed to be left alone, to find peace if there was any to be found.

"You're supposed to stay here. With me. Your commanding officer said so."

He knew he was listening to fear, and she had plenty of concrete reasons for that fear. But he was tired of letting her issues feed into his own. And she, at least, felt free to express the whole package...he was left holding onto his own secrets, his own grief. He got nothing out of this, just more of a burden, more weight to carry. He couldn't do it anymore. He either had to shrug it off, or break under it.

"Then Hackett can send a detail to bring me back." He stated, picking up the bag and moving past her. She opened her mouth, but he'd guess that words failed her, because nothing came out.

Vancouver was a disaster zone, pure and simple. It was cold day, it felt like snow on the way, but the sky was utterly clear. The temporary Naval station had been placed in one of the few mostly intact areas of the city, and Kaidan stepped into a ground eating stride. It was good to move, to walk, to finally be out in the open...even if that open was ruins. He was home. It was, much like him, broken down, devastated, but there was enough of it remaining to rebuild...

That was a disturbing thought, and he walked faster. It took him awhile to realize he was maintaining his usual speed, barely winded. It would be easier if...

Easier if he'd been left crippled? If he wasn't making a leaps and bounds physical recovery? If he could blunt a very real pain with medications, and slide down that path of oblivion? At least people around him would have a chance of understanding that. Digesting it. _Terrible what happened to Alenko, you know, but he was in a lot of pain and maybe this is for the best... _ There would be some grace in that, but no...his body rallied with an amazing fortitude. He'd always been a quick healer.

_Normandy _was berthed in the ground docks, and Kaidan scrutinized the ship for a long, affectionate moment. When did an object, a machine, take on a life of its own? When did it become loved, another comrade in arms? More than the sum of its parts? And it was good to be surrounded by people in uniform...his uniform, moving around him like they had a purpose. They weren't all stunned into a shocked lassitude, they were doing things.

"Major!" Finally, someone besides Shepard's mother who honestly seemed happy to see him. Well, he vaguely remembered Hackett's visit, and there had been a quiet relief in the Admiral's voice...but that was a commanding officer, not a crew member. "They told us they'd released you. They weren't really thrilled with the idea of letting you have visitors...or, you know..." James Vega shrugged, squinting against the sun, still just as much a paragon of male musculature as the last time that Kaidan had seen him. Some things never changed, and for that, he was grateful.

"You'd have come. I know. My Mom has been ever so slightly overprotective."

Vega snorted in laughter. "Mamas." He breathed, "Can be scary. No matter how big you get, Mami and Abuela can still put the fear of God into you."

"Absolutely. Got a favor to ask."

"You're the jefe. What do you need?"

"Is the cockroach still in the bay, or has Fleet requisitioned it? I wanted to go check out my parents' vacation home. It's where my Dad was probably headed when...we lost him." It was a difficult request to argue with, which was exactly what Kaidan was counting on. How could they deny him that?

"It's still in the bay. Not even the Fleet wants to take things from _Normandy_. Crew. Equipment. Our O & E is still intact...you're the only one not directly assigned to us still...on medical leave, pending."

Kaidan simply nodded...with both Shepard and he either gone or out of the game, much of the responsibility for Normandy's crew had fallen to Vega.

"Thanks for dragging me back." It seemed like the right thing to say, even if Kaidan wasn't certain he completely believed it. Vega had probably done a stand up job, and he deserved some acknowledgment for it.

"Bullshit, sir. Bullshit." Vega answered, his expression stormy. "It's too damned early for you to be saying that to me. I'm not your shrink. I've been there. I know better. Just tell me what you want, and I'll do my best to get it for you. But don't feed me crap."

"I want the Kodiak prepped, and a flight plan filed to this location." Kaidan pulled up the coordinates of the orchard on his omnitool, sending it to Vega's. James was right, he'd become too used to dealing with shrinks. He needed to be out here, with marines willing to call him on his bullshit crap. Maybe that was what he really needed, to leave the hospital, the doctors, his mother...behind.

"Yes, sir." Vega glanced at the coordinates, nodded, before sending Kaidan a slight smile. "And it was our privilege to drag you out of there, don't get me wrong... Short hop for a cockroach, just 500 or so klicks."

Kaidan shrugged, it was the most secure, fastest and obvious way to get there. Driving was not going to be an option, nor was he in the mood for it. There should be some sort of perks involved with becoming Shepard's pale replacement...

"She's got more than enough fuel to make it there and back, six, eight times over. We'll get her out of the bay, and you can take her from there. Oh..." He frowned at the readout on his 'tool. "Message from Admiral Hackett for you on your 'tool. Flag popped up when I filed the flight plan."

Kaidan sighed, shaking his head. No. No. No. Not now, not when he was finally beginning to feel alive and in charge again. He was feeling better, focused and clear...not the time to listen to someone who probably wanted to keep him from going. "I'll respond after I get there, thanks."

"Right. Let's go get the cockroach out."

It was growing dark as Kaidan piloted the Kodiak shuttle towards the Okanagan Valley, and the orchard. The wasteland of Vancouver gave way into rougher terrain, and it almost looked normal. He could almost forget what had happened. His omnitool beeped again, and he glanced at it. Hackett, again? No, not going to happen. What were they going to do, court martial him for not taking the message? Anyway, he was already in approach, losing altitude quickly, and the Kodiak would not land itself. He warily landed it a few hundred meters away, down slope of the house, muting and fading the omnitool.

He moved cautiously up towards the house, freezing in the shadow of a tree when he got his first good look at it. _Shouldn't have come alone. _There were definite signs of very recent habitation, paths through the orchard.. through the newly fallen snow... He pulled his pistol, scrutinizing the house. It did a good job of looking deserted, on a cursory examination, but it wasn't. Outrage flared in his gut, somebody had been in his parents' home. _ His_ home. His father? No. By now, even if the radio had been disabled somehow, he would have made contact. He'd had months to.

He slid up to the side door that led into the kitchen...no footprints. He flicked a glance through the glass door before jerking back into cover, letting years of training and experience take over.

_War hero killed confronting home invaders... _Well, it would save him from doing it himself, but he rejected the idea before it fully formed. No burglar was going to get the better of Kaidan Alenko, the second human Spectre. He just wasn't going to let _that_ happen.

The kitchen was shadowed, still, so he took a firm grip on the door handle and twisted. The door was unlocked, it popped open easily and Kaidan sidled into the kitchen, maintaining cover. Silence surrounded him, and he moved through the dimness...his duty uniform dark and mottled... the only giveaway to his presence was the radiant blue sheen crawling up his forearms, glowing in the dark. The main house was exactly as he remembered it, every little thing in perfect order, and he shouldered the door to the basement open. Light poured into the hallway and he froze, blinking against it. He could hear...water. Music, one of his father's favorite songs.

_I have a squatter. _

He hissed through his teeth...half in the still flowing outrage, but now it clashed with pragmatism. They'd done what they'd done to save humanity. To save lives. It was a sane, sane thing to go to ground out here, to bunker down and wait it out. If it was in anybody _else_'s house, it would make perfect sense. Their survivors were precious... their only hope... He made the bottom of the stairs, looking around at the basement apartment.

While the upstairs was mostly untouched, nothing down here was the same. Things had been moved, gathered, shifted to suit the new tenant. _Why stay down here? _Did they even realize that Earth had been liberated? Too damn stupid to figure out the radio? He heard movement from the bathroom and positioned himself in front of the door, pistol drawn, waiting.

"Goddammit." A voice, undoubtedly female, growled from the other side of the door and it flew open. She crashed headlong into him, just a moment later, and Kaidan's mind struggled to catch up with one, irrefutable fact...

He'd just had a stunning woman damn near knock him over. And she was wearing...absolutely nothing.


	9. Chapter 9

(AN- for some reason, every single one of the large arc fan fictions I write have at least one problem child chapter. This was one. First, Kaidan decided to be a dork and say some of the stupidest things I've ever had a character want to say. They have since been vetoed by a rare quorum of those people I go to when I don't think a scene is working out. I have seen this chapter in my mind since Jellybeans was a tiny baby bean, but it was determined to be difficult when it actually came around. Then, we suffered a loss in the family right when things were getting...good. :( What I guess I'm saying is... yeah, I know it's not entirely up to my usual standards. I apologize in advance.

Also...remember...content warning! This is where that major, glaring content warning starts to come into play. I usually have a pretty big lead in to "Oh, look, there's a bed!" in these stories, and Jellybeans is no exception, but I do always get there sometime.

Anyway, enjoy!

HA)

_This is __not__ happening. Not. Not. _Jenna had gotten sloppy, she'd gotten complacent, and she had gotten absolutely fucking _stupid_. The first clue that she had that anybody was in the house was when she plowed into the man's side. Her second realization was that he had a gun drawn. _I'm going to die. I'm going to be raped and murdered. I survived the Reapers only to die here, now. It's all over. Worse..._

"Kaidan?" It _was_ him. His eyes were darker in person, he had the first hints of silver at his temples, but she _knew_ that face. Right down to the constellation of three small moles over his right brow...he was older than she would have thought, thinner, more worn, but this was definitely Kaidan Alenko. But what difference did putting a name to him make? She didn't know him, never had met him. Her fantasies were just that, fantasies. Make believe starring a man who she'd assumed to be safely dead... but he was right there, staring at her. At _all_ of her, his jaw lax and his brows raised. Jenna was too stunned to move, and even if she did, what could she do? Turn away from him? Try to cover herself?

He seemed to be equally stunned, but how long would that last? _I'm going to die. _Should she fight? Let him have her and hope he didn't kill her, or hurt her...much?

He coughed and his eyes suddenly jumped up to her eyes. "Ah...um... what the _hell_?"

"The towel. It's behind you. On the chair. Please?" Maybe if she acted like nothing was wrong, if she just acted like she was in some sort of control over this...she could get out of it. She'd never been that lucky, never. Ever. It just seemed like such a betrayal that _he_ was going to be the one to do it, and if she wasn't locked in fear, she'd be laughing like a loon. "Please, don't hurt me." Oh, God. She'd lost it. That was the absolute worst thing she could have ever said to him.

The pure shock on his features faded to horror, then were replaced with immediate denial. "Hurt you? He sputtered in outrage, and his features relaxed to the expression she was used to seeing in the pictures of him. His eyes lightened from black to brown, his mouth lost its grim cut and his brows rose at a questioning angle. "No..." He seemed to gather his wits, snatching up the towel and offering it to her, awkwardly. "You get...dressed. I want to talk to you upstairs. Okay?"

Well, it wasn't as if she could really tell him no. "Sure." She agreed slowly, wrapping the towel around her. He backed away from her, holstering his pistol as he did so.

"I'll be in the...ah...dining room."

"I'll be there." She sighed, and he finally turned to move up the stairs. She relaxed when she heard the door at the top of the stairs close, sinking to the floor when her legs refused to hold her up anymore. Her stomach rolled up into the back of her throat, and she slid into the bathroom, leaning her forehead against the cool porcelain of the toilet. She was not going to vomit. She was going to get her shit together, get up, and get dressed.

She dressed carefully, making certain that she'd chosen none of his father's clothing...only things that she had brought with her, and gathered the rest of her belongings back in her pack, tightening the straps down. The fantasy was over, it was time to leave. Maybe if she played nice, he wouldn't call the authorities... Maybe if she... Oh, she wasn't really considering that, was she? She'd just been a shuddering, ill heap from the idea of being raped, and now she was considering...that.

_Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, Jenna. _

And sometimes, she just hated life.

.`.`.`.`.`.

Kaidan moved up the stairs in a daze, hitting the lights to the dining room when he reached them. _Please, don't hurt me. _He'd never, ever been in a position where a woman had said that to him, and truly meant it. Even when Rahna had turned away from him, had been 'afraid' of him, she hadn't had _that_ look in her eyes.

His omnitool beeped again, more imperative than its earlier tones, and he was welcome for the distraction. "Alenko, here."

"Major Alenko, finally." Hackett's voice, and he sounded concerned. Worried. "I've been trying to reach you since Vega filed your flight plan. There's something you need to know about your family's vacation home."

"The woman living in my basement, sir?" Thankfully, he sounded almost normal when he said that, and Hackett's sigh was audible.

"That would be it, yes. I assume that she is fine?"

"I think I scared her half to death, but she's okay. You knew about her?" Odd. Why would Hackett, of all people, know that Kaidan had a squatter? What would be the point of keeping an eye on the house, but not ousting her when they'd found her?

"Yes. We've been aware of her presence since we began the push to take Earth back. She was instrumental during that, Major Alenko. If you want her removed, I will dispatch a shuttle for her immediately."

"I don't understand, sir..."

"You are a radio hobbyist?"

"I...was." It had been a fascinating hobby, he'd loved it until he'd been removed to Brain Camp. It had been something to do with his father, something that had appealed to his love of tech. It was a reminder of just how things had been, before they'd gotten all screwed up. After...it had just hurt too much, and he'd ignored it.

"Your house guest proved to be quite adept with it. And undeniably adept at keeping track of and communicating with resistance cells. When things got real, she also proved to be quite the tactician for us. She was important to the liberation, Major. After the liberation was over, I made the decision to leave her where she was. I share the blame. I should have removed her when you were released. I apologize."

"I'm not going to hurt her." Kaidan sighed, shifting his pants slightly. Hurt her...nooooooo, that was the farthest thing from his mind. "I need to ask her some questions, then I need to sleep on it. I'm a little..."

"I understand that discovering her presence was probably a tense situation, Major. Let me know when you've made your decision."

Tense. Kaidan grimaced, secure in the knowledge that the Admiral could not see his expression. All he had to do was keep his voice normal and it was all good. "Will do, sir."

"Good evening, then, Major. Hackett out." There was silence, and Kaidan let out a gusty sigh, moving to the windows. It was snowing harder, and the wind was picking up. A bitter night, he'd loved them when he was younger... It was a night for a fire in the hearth, indeed. He sat on the stone apron, arranging wood and lighting it, watching it when it finally caught.

"You wanted to talk to me." She sounded like she was in front of her executioner, and Kaidan raked his fingers through his hair in thought. This was supposed to be a calming, quiet escape, not another problem to be dealt with, but she was a welcome distraction from his own issues.

"You know who I am." Yes, she'd used his name.

"I know your name. I don't know _you._" She clarified, moving closer. "I'm sorry, I... Well, I don't know what to say, honestly."

"It's pretty obvious. You came here to survive the invasion. If I was here, I would have done the same damn thing. You're a civilian, right?"

"Right." He finally got the nerve to look up at her. Was she truly as stunning as his mind had screamed she was when... Yes, his pants were definitely getting tighter in the front, it was both a welcoming and disturbing reaction. He wasn't dead, he was reacting normally to what he'd seen. That part of him hadn't died with John, her presence was letting him know that in no uncertain terms. Life couldn't just be easy, could it?

He stared at her, speechless. He loved what he saw; he'd always liked his men to be manly, and his women to be womanly. John had been a manly man, alpha male, testosterone wafting masculinity in its purest of forms. And that was John's polar opposite, everything that Kaidan adored in a woman. Large breasts, small waist, wide hips. He'd seen it all, and he knew that the drapes matched the carpet...and that she had carpet to match the drapes. A natural strawberry blonde, almost red, her hair was all civilian...the curl at the end of the braid hung at the belt loops of her jeans. A smattering of freckles, and bright hazel eyes... he was sold. Absolutely sold, and he hated himself for it. She wasn't perfect, but then Kaidan had never liked perfection... it unnerved him. Her nose was long, her jaw stubbornly built. John would love her...

_You mourned John for two years the last time he died. And it's been months this time. _Not fair, he'd been in a coma for a lot of that, but the point was valid. Why wait? He was swirling the drain again, what would he gain from his much vaunted self control now? Bad idea, the last time he'd let himself get out of control, it had almost ruined his life. Fighting back from that hadn't been easy... but there was a difference between a lovely woman, and illicit substances. She wasn't illegal. She wasn't addictive, like his last fix had been. She was warm and living... and probably not interested in the least. Kaidan was a lot of things that he wasn't proud of, but rapist was certainly _not_ one of them. He'd already damn near scared the piss out of her... she had not feigned terror earlier, that had been real.

"How long have you been here?"

She sat down on the other end of the stone hearth, contemplating the question. "I came here..." She paused, biting at her lower lip. Was it really that difficult a question to answer? She didn't feel like she was trying to come up with a lie, but just the opposite. She was fighting for the truth. "A week? Two? After the Reapers came. It's not easy to remember, I'm sorry. I was kind of messed up. Hungry, scared. I'd been on the road, and then I was running. It kind of all blurs together."

Kaidan considered her words, watching the flames gather strength. He'd done a lot of thinking about those left on Earth to face the invasion, and it was a terrible, terrible thing to ruminate on. They'd been told that they hadn't been forgotten, that they had to hold on long enough for relief, liberation, but that couldn't have been very believable out here. Hopeless, helpless...at least he'd been at Shepard's back, believing he could make a difference. She'd just been here, abandoned to a nightmare...alone?

"You're the only one here?"

Her gaze dropped to the hands she had folded her lap. "There were some marines for a little while, during the liberation. They didn't stay long."

"And no one else? No one at all? Earlier than that? During the invasion?"

Her eyes met his, filled with truth and understanding. "No, I'm sorry. Whoever you're looking for...they didn't come here. Nobody's come here."

_Damn. _He'd given himself a moment of hope...she'd been here for pretty much the whole thing.

"Where are you from?"

"Kamloops. I'm a local girl." She gave him a half smile, and his pants became even more restrictive than they had been. "So, those are your questions?"

"They are." It was simple. His father hadn't arrived here. That was pretty much all he needed to know. There was nothing to find out by asking her any questions about her tenancy, the answers were all pretty obvious to him. The vacation home had sheltered a civilian survivor and a resistance member, and he could not complain about that.

"It's a terrible night out...I, uh...hope you're not going to kick me out straightaway... Wait 'til the morning, at least?"

Kaidan fought back his first terrible response to that. If he made a move, she'd rethink leaving...she'd probably run screaming into the snowy night. "Not going to kick you out into a snowstorm, no." He shook his head at the very idea. "I fought to keep people alive..." Hell, he didn't even know what her name was! "It'd be counter productive to kill you like that. What's your name?"

She hesitated, and he stared at her. Of course, if he had her name he could find her later. And cause problems... "Jenna." She finally admitted. "My name's Jenna. Jenna Rolfsmeyer, from Kamloops." Her shoulders fell in defeat. "I don't suppose we could work something out...?"

_Yes! _That was a fine idea... for a split second. And then sanity hit it hard, sending it back into its dark little corner. No. He was _not_ that sort of person, and living with himself afterward, no. He could live with the fact that he'd done stupid things, to himself. Live with the fact that he'd been pushed too far and snapped, killing someone who should have known better. Even eventually live with the fact that John was gone, because Kaidan had done his best through the whole deal. But he'd never sleep right again if he coerced a woman into having sex with him.

"I'm not that kind of person." He breathed the words out, slowly and firmly. "You're gorgeous, I'll give you that. I'd be happy to...do something about that with you. But I want you to know one thing." Her brows rose suddenly, he had her full and undivided attention. She was weighing him, measuring him. "No matter what you tell me tonight, yes, no, maybe, later, I will not be turning you to over to the authorities for committing the terrible sin of living through a war I fought to give you a chance of living through. I bled for that, Jenna. I almost died for that, more than once. I lost people close to me for that. For the love of all that's holy, please don't cheapen it. If you want to sleep with me, then I volunteer. If you don't... then go back downstairs and go to sleep, alone."

"You married?"

"Not even close." He smiled, standing to his full height. She wasn't actually still considering it, was she? She'd have to be blind to miss the bulge he was cultivating, and indeed, her eyes drifted downwards for a second.

"Girlfriend?"

"Not in years." In fact, if he had to take a long hard look at that one, he'd have to say, never. He wouldn't consider Rahna to have been that in the context that Jenna was asking. He had never been close enough to the female roommate...fuck bunny, just as messed as he'd been...that he'd had during his deepest swirling the drain months to be that, ever. And both of those had ended years ago... over a decade past. The most recent of them had simply been drinks and a dinner, and she was years gone as well.

"Boyfriend?"

His jaw locked, he should have seen that one coming, but she seemed so squeaky country clean. Covering all of her bases, though. And he'd just have to answer the question... "Missing in action, presumed dead." Again, but he wasn't going to try and explain that one to her.

"Oh. I mean...oh. I'm sorry."

"Well, how about you? Married?"

"Nope. Never." She stepped closer to him, and he wished he knew her well enough to guess what she was thinking, what she was considering. It certainly looked like she was seriously contemplating his willingness to 'volunteer'.

"Boyfriend?"

"Not anymore. I left him right before all of this got started... he didn't quite get the idea of a 'deal-breaker'. I guess I should thank him." She gave a Kaidan a sour smile. "He saved my life. He hit me, and I hit the ground running. I was already most of the way up here when things fell apart."

Did he dare touch her? She seemed to need a hug, but in his current mindset, he wouldn't be content with letting her go after it. He wanted to feel alive again, to not be alone...if only for a few hours. To touch, and be touched.

"Girlfriend?" He asked, and she shook her head immediately.

"No, no girlfriend. No boyfriend that I will ever go back to. No husband. All alone..."

That was quite enough. He didn't want to hear where she was going with that, it resonated entirely too deeply in his own heart. He closed the distance with her, knowing that as he did so, he committed himself. He'd stop if she told him no, if she pushed him away... but he was done dancing around it.

He wrapped one arm around her waist, the other around her shoulders, and leaned in, more than half expecting the sound of her palm meeting the side of his face with liberal force. That didn't happen, her response was to wrap her arms around him, her lips meeting his.

_This is going to happen. _Kaidan was stunned, hadn't she understood what he'd told her? She didn't have to...he wasn't going to...

_She's been up here alone, for months. _

Maybe he wasn't the only one messed up. Maybe he wasn't the only one who needed to touch and be touched. To not be alone, if only for a few hours. "I need you tell me..." He managed, still clinging to his precious self control, he had to be certain.

"I want this."

That was enough for him. He turned his attention to the buttons on her worn flannel shirt, working them through their holes. He filled his hands with her breasts, marveling at their weight, burying his face in her cleavage. It was comforting that she was so different than John, he didn't feel like he was trying to replace that which could never be replaced... It had been so long since he'd been with a woman.

She arched into him, running her fingers through his hair, pushing her hips against his. She smelled delightful, she felt wonderful against him, and he finally managed to triumph over her bra, sliding her shirt off and letting it fall to the floor, the bra following it. "Wow. Magnificent..."

"You've seen them already." She laughed outright, sliding her hands underneath them. She was headily well endowed, lushly built.

"I have, yes." And his mind had backed away from completely _believing_ what he had seen. Her high, coral nipples just begged to be touched, sucked upon... he hissed as he hardened completely, feeling his scrotum draw up tightly against his body. "Are you on something?" It was an odd question for him to ask, but he usually couldn't get his partner pregnant...

"No."

Oh, God, no. A deal-breaker. _His_ deal-breaker. "I...can't, then." It took all of his willpower, but he stepped back again, staring at the floor. "I...won't."

"I _have_ something, though. If you're willing."

At that point, Kaidan would seriously consider wrapping himself with bubble wrap, or a plastic baggie... if she had condoms, then he was certainly _willing_. "Go get them."

She chuckled, walking slowly away from him, shedding clothing as she did so. He was left hungrily staring at proof that her back view was just as compelling as her front view... before he cursed, and began to get out of his own clothes. The confinement was just too much after seeing that... he was throbbingly hard, he could feel his heart pulsing in his cock. He took hold of himself, absently stroking his length while fighting away that disapproving, sane voice from deep in his gut. Nope. Not stopping. People wanted him to live, they all said so. And this was _living_.

She reappeared at the top of the stairs, her breasts bobbing with every step she took, the dark reddish blonde curls at the apex of her thighs visible. "Where did you want to do this?" She asked awkwardly, her gaze locked on his hand...wrapped around himself.

For a moment, he thought it was going to be her breaking point, when she saw him nude, hard, and ready, but she obviously closed the door on the disapproving, sane voice from deep in _her_ gut. Her eyes snapped back to his, and she held out a wrapped condom like a hostess showing off a door prize.

"Truthfully?" He asked, standing and moving around her, running his fingertips down her back. Her hair was still tightly braided, and he picked up the tail, teasing the elastic from it and began to release her hair. So much, so bright...a torrent that he wanted to wrap himself up in. "I've always had a fantasy of doing it here, in front of that fireplace. On...this." He reached back behind him and yanked the large sheepskin off of the couch, resting it on the floor in front of the hearth "Yea? Nay?"

"That works."

He was talking too much, he could feel her reservations rise again. Why was she doing this? But to ask would be talking... damn it all. He swept her hair over her shoulder, burying his face in the nape of her neck, resting his hands on her belly. His fingertips were just grazing the beginning of her pubic hair, close, but not quite. He still wasn't quite certain of her response yet, she'd said yes... but he sensed doubt. There was little doubt about his cock insistently butting up against her hip, and he could feel her snort in amusement. "Jenna?" _Tell me yes. Tell me no. Just pick one and __go__ with it. _

She turned in his arms, facing him, her nipples dragged across his chest and he closed his eyes when she reached down and took a firm, completely certain hold on him. "Kaidan." She answered, settling him more comfortably against her belly, her touch hot against his skin. Her lips met his again, and she rubbed up against him... an intoxicating mix of belly pressed hard against his cock and breasts squeezed against his chest. "I want you to make love to me."

"My pleasure." He breathed, taking her down to the sheepskin., her hair fanning out around her. He would ask the questions, later. Now he simply intended to follow her request, trailing kisses down her neck to her breasts. They were, as he'd said, truly magnificent, and he could just bury himself in them. He loved how they felt in his hands, heavy, full and oh, so very warm. He loved how her nipples tightened when he sucked on first one, and then the other, loved how they filled his vision when she arched her back in pleasure, the first soft moan of arousal escaping her lips. So, it wasn't a lost cause, he could get her going... he slid his tongue down her belly, hands still gripping her breasts, delving into her navel. Another moan, louder, and he thrilled at the sound. He'd never been a wham, bam, thank you ma'am lover, he was patient and he truly enjoyed foreplay. It made the experience so much more intimate, fulfilling... Her knees fell open invitingly when he was forced to let go of her breasts to keep going downwards, and he rested the palms on the insides of her thighs, spreading her open wider...

"You're forgetting something..." she whispered, waving the wrapper at him, her eyes still closed. He snorted in disgust, if she thought he was ready for that...already...she had another thing..._coming_. His lips curved slightly at his own private pun.

"No." He denied, admiring the view. She had a much paler complexion than he did, but her folds had blushed pink, her clit darkened and swollen purple. Jenna was already much more aroused than she had been letting on, an encouraging sign. It was so very tempting to just take the dive, to slide into her, but he had cultivated self control to a fine art, and sometimes it made things all the sweeter. He was usually a visceral lover, he wanted to touch, to taste, to smell...to commit every part of his partner to his memories, and she would be no different.

He slit both of his thumbs deeply within her, parting her lips with his index fingers, and took a long, luxurious taste from where his thumbs vanished to the springy edge of her curls, slowing to a mesmerizing crawl when he reached her tightly swelling bud. He was surrounded by her smell, immersed in her flavor...

She convulsed under him, her fists gripping the sheepskin, a harsh guttural moan jerked from her lips. "Oh, my _God_!" She yelped when he latched on and started to suck and swallow deeply. He wanted her committed, lusty, willing... he wouldn't be okay with this if he didn't have her panting, squirming, yelling his name and utterly wet. And that wasn't going to take him long at all...

"My name!" He breathed, letting her slide for just a second when he sensed she was getting too close.

"Kaidan!" She sobbed, winding her fingers in his hair. "I'm...going to..."

"I know." So very wet, her hips bucked up to give him full access, her feet on his shoulders.

_You're living. _It almost sounded like John's voice, firm with wonder, joy...relief. Yes, yes, he was. At that moment, all of his problems were pushed firmly away. "Yell. Howl. Scream my name." He hissed, taking hold of her again and dragging the edge of his teeth across her flesh.

_"Kaidan!" _She obliged loudly from the pit of her stomach, every muscle in her body spasming. And he desperately needed that condom..._now_.

He snagged it from where she had dropped it, tore open the wrapper and growled. It had been a long, long time since he'd used one of these...and they didn't seem to be any easier to use now.

"Here." She breathed, taking it from him and grasping him firmly. He flinched, if she kept that up, he wouldn't need the condom at all... It was wet, chilly...never his favorite experience to get one on, but she deftly rolled it down his length. "Lay back." She said, moving over to let him rest where she had been lying. "And let me..."

He did as requested, stretching out on the fur and watching her. He'd been in great shape before London, not as muscular as Vega, or even John...he simply wasn't built that way...but tight and fit. He'd lost weight since, but the underlying muscles were still there. "Don't worry about that." He breathed when her fingers ran down the worst of his new scars, still shiny and pink. "I'm good to go."

"Okay." She said, shyly, straddling his waist, her face half obscured in her hair. She stroked his chest, his nipples, sliding down until he was resting fully against her warm, wet slit. Her breasts bobbed as she picked up a rhythm, sliding against him, yet not bringing him in. He hissed, but there was one good thing about being safely, tightly bundled...it had always delayed his orgasms. He rested his hands on her hips, arching his back. Glorious. So..._fucking_...glorious.

She suddenly reversed direction on him, and he groaned as he was finally inside of her, penetrating to his full length, swallowed by heat and the body of another person. "Yes!" He snarled, "Ride me, Jenna!" It was torture, teasing...and he finally rolled over, pinning her beneath him, and letting it all go in a crescendo of deep, hard thrusts. The room spun as he came hard, his breath ragged against her neck, his heart thundering. Maybe he really should have been just a little less enthusiastic about that, a little more careful...

She made a soft noise, tucking into his side, her face buried in his shoulder and he sighed. Whatever, it had been worth it. And well, if he died... that was much more of a way to go than coming up here and blowing his brains out. He'd rather be remembered with raised eyebrows and back corner whispers than as a desperate, empty person. There was a certain undeniable machismo to dying after having mind-blowing sex much too soon after several life saving procedures.

He spent several moments just drifting before he realized she was completely limp next to him, her breathing very deep and slow. He chuckled, she'd fallen asleep. Not just a doze that she would stir out of when he sat up, but the down for the count sleep of the exhausted. He sat up, rescuing his arm from under her head, and dealt with one poor little soggy condom...shaking his head. Time for a shower, and then he'd decide which of the beds he was going to claim...


	10. Chapter 10

Jenna drifted out of sleep, warm, comfortable, snuggled up into the curve of a man's back. He was facing away from her, her arm slung over his hip, his arm resting on top of hers, their fingers intertwined.

Her first thought was that it was Mitch, but even before she opened her eyes, she knew otherwise. Mitch had never been this well toned, this athletic...even when he'd been in school. She opened her eyes, focusing on the shoulders just beyond her nose. No, definitely _not_ Mitch. Mitch was not the color of cappuccino, he did not have a marked pattern of moles, and he did not have black hair.

Kaidan. It had not been a dream. It had really happened. Good, bad or indifferent, it was the truth. "Morning." He breathed softly in the dim light, closing his fingers around hers gently.

What was there to say? He'd made it clear all that she'd had to do was walk away. He'd given her plenty of chances to reconsider, to back out. They'd both been stone cold sober...there were no excuses. She really just had slept with a man on the same day that she'd met him. "I don't suppose there's any chance in hell you'll believe me if I told you I'm not the sort of girl who does what I did last night?"

He turned over to face her, and for the life of her...it certainly looked like his hair moved independently of that shift...it flowed like grass in a breeze... she was losing it. She tore her gaze from that oddity and locked eyes with him.

"Yes, there's a good chance." He patted his chest, and she took the invitation, resting her head against him. They were in the largest of the two upstairs guest bedrooms, the bed that Jenna had first chosen when she'd arrived here. "I got the impression that was a first for you."

Damn, he just had to be a nice guy about it, too, holding her close. "I don't suppose there's any chance in hell that you'd believe me if I told you that I'm not the kind of guy who does what I did last night?"

"There's a good chance I'd believe it." She chuckled. Maybe she was just a fool, but he didn't come across like a player.

"See?" He kissed the top of her head. "Not so hard to swallow. But I would like to know why you did. I would hate to think you did it to convince me to not file a report. Not that I think the government would put much weight in one anyway, things the way that they are."

"You're going to think I'm stupid. Or crazy. Or both...probably both."

"Go on." He coaxed when her silence grew long, and she let go of a disgusted sigh. "I can deal with stupid. I can deal with crazy. But I need the truth."

"I've had a thing for you since I got here and found the pictures of you." She pulled from his embrace, sitting on edge of the bed, studying the patterns of the rug. "I knew...well, I thought I knew you were dead. But talking to you was better than being alone. You were gorgeous, I could see that. Well off. Probably smart. Everything I'd always wanted..." Oh, God. She just needed to shut the fuck up. "And then you were standing right there."

"Yeah...about that." He said, running his fingertips down her back. "You have to promise to forgive me for scaring you to death."

"I'm squatting in your house." He hadn't shot her where she stood. He hadn't beaten the crap out of her. He hadn't thrown her out in the snow. He'd given her the best lay of her life, and then carried her to bed.

He made a noncommittal, unconvinced noise at that, wrapping his hand around her stomach and giving her a slight pull. "Come back in here with me. It's not warm out there."

No, it certainly wasn't. She slid back in with him, letting his body heat wash over her. "So...why did you do it?"

"Why did I sleep with you if I'm not the kind of guy who sleeps with girls the first day he meets them?" He fell back onto his back, staring at the ceiling, and she let him find his way to the words. "Before I get started, I want you to know that I find you staggeringly attractive..."

Well, that was a nice start, but it sure sounded like it was leading into something less pleasant, and she steeled herself for the rest of it. "But yeah, I'm so damned tired of being alone. Of feeling like I've died. Of feeling like I _should_ have died. I miss him so damned much. Last night was the first time when I felt like I wasn't still dying since...London."

No, it wasn't her imagination...his hair moved. By itself. She stared at it warily while his attention was focused on the ceiling above him.

"I wish I had a better...what?" He lifted his forearm slightly to stare at her.

"Your hair is moving. By itself."

"Yes, yes...it is." He smiled, running his fingers through it. "It's gotten way too long. Hey, not a big deal...see..." He took her wrist and moved her hand towards his head. It felt like she had rubbed a balloon across the carpet and had her fingertips just a centimeter away from it. "Carrying a charge. I'm a biotic." And his eyes begged for her to just accept it. And, given a logical, sane explanation, she was more than willing to. He waited, for something... probably more of a reaction than she was going to give him, before nodding thankfully when he realized that was all that she was going to say about it. "I don't want to lessen it, Jenna. You made me feel alive again, and that's a big thing."

"I get it. I guess that's a lot of why I did it, too. To feel alive. To not be alone."

"Yeah. I'd love to stay here all morning, but I need food." He stood up and walked towards the door, giving her a fine, fine show indeed as he moved away. He was, if possible, even better than she'd imagined... none of the pictures here had him in any sort of shorts or swim trunks. He was always covered in them, and that was a shame, because that was one fine piece of man flesh. He'd been very recently injured, those scars were new, but they fit the package. Military man, and they'd just come out of the other side of a desperate conflict.

"Ho, damn! Snow." He announced, and she frowned. Not exactly something she'd been looking forward to...dreading, more like it. They didn't get a whole lot of snow, but living as she was, every bit was going to hurt. "It's beautiful!"

Yes, yes, she'd have to give him that the view of him, buck assed naked, standing in front of the great windows looking down the valley, was indeed beautiful. The snow beyond...not so much.

"Food, huh? Hope you're not expecting anything fancy." She rescued her clothes from where they'd been tossed, and got dressed again. He did the same, getting back in the dark blue, mottled uniform he'd been wearing the day before.

"No, plenty of it would be nice, though. You have no clue how much I eat."

Well...it wasn't as if she could deny him. While most of what she had was no longer from here, wasn't exactly _his_ anymore, that was only because she'd eaten it all and had been forced to range farther afield for more... from the empty houses, the orchards, the animals. He'd get a lot of it, and hopefully he wouldn't complain that it wasn't exactly 'breakfasty', but simply as close as she could manage. Jenna was a fine cook... but bacon and eggs, without bacon...or eggs...was beyond her.

He was not kidding when he said he could _eat_. Jenna was used to eaters, Mitch could pile it down with the best of them...until the best of them became Kaidan Alenko. But he was thin, recovering from injuries, it was all good. He tucked into three plates of fried rabbit, venison sausage, and baked apple rice pudding, inhaling every last crumb.

"How are you doing up here?" He finally asked, taking the plate into the upstairs kitchen and rinsing it off. "I know my parents kept this place stocked, but I also know how long you've been here. Even assuming you're rationing, you have to be running low. You give me game, orchard produce, and rice... Not that I'm complaining...compared to the protein bars and hospital paste I've been getting, it's fantastic, but..."

"I ran out of what your parents left here a couple of weeks ago. But this isn't the only house around, I assume their owners aren't coming back any time soon. Orchards, which brought the deer. A bear. Rabbits. It's tight, I have to admit that...but is out there any better? Vancouver?"

"Was hit hard." He admitted solemnly. "You probably are better off out here, for now. I don't know about Kamloops, but they hit everything. Hard."

That just confirmed what she was afraid of. "Who are you here looking for?" She sighed, she needed more time to try to wrap her mind around all of that. She'd had a volatile and often contentious relationship with her family, but she never wanted to consider all of them _gone_. Even Mitch, no.

"My Dad. My parents were headed here. They recovered my mother, she's in Vancouver, safe. But we can't find him." He bowed his head, his shoulders dropping in thought. "It's been months..."

She almost tried to say something inanely optimistic, then reined back on it and remained silent. No, his father probably wouldn't take a voluntarily time out from the rest of the world like she had...leaving a wife and son to worry after him. If he hadn't turned up in months, he probably wasn't going to ever turn up alive again. "I'm sorry." It sounded so empty, so lacking... but it was truthful.

"We weren't exactly close." He sighed, "But I'd like to find him. For my Mom. Just to know." He moved up beside her, resting a hand on her shoulder. "And you?"

"I haven't bothered to look." She stared out of the kitchen window, over the sink. It was so peaceful out there, calm, clean, white. So peaceful in here, he was easy to be with. His presence didn't rub against her, it didn't grate uncomfortably against her nerves like so many others' did. "I don't know if I'm afraid to know or if I just don't give a damn." She'd spent more time worrying about _him_ than she had about those people she actually knew. "Nothing makes sense anymore. I don't even know myself, it seems. All I want to do is just stay here and let it all pass me by." He was going to hate her for it...

"Understandable. I can't imagine how terrible it was. I gave it a lot of thought, but I was far away when it happened. Always knew we were headed back as soon as we had a chance of making a difference, but that probably fell pretty flat to those we left behind." His hand fell to her hip and he pulled her up against him, resting his chin on her shoulder. "I think we're _all_ fucked up, Jenna. The new norm." He remained silent for a long, long moment. "If I tell you something, will you promise to keep it a secret?"

"Who is there to tell any secrets to?" She wondered, but nodded. "If you tell me something in confidence, Kaidan, I'll certainly keep it that way."

"I didn't really come out here to find my father. I know he's dead. It was an excuse."

Jenna closed her eyes, resting her fingers against his cheek. Was she willing to hear this? But she'd figured it out in that moment, so what difference did it make to actually hear him say it? "You came up here to end it." She sighed, and his grip tightened around her. "Let me guess, been playing like everything's fine? Then got away from people by saying you were looking for your father?"

"Guilty."

"That would depress the hell out of me. I've already thought you were dead and gone. Finding out you weren't...and then you were..."

Somehow, that was a terribly wrong thing to say. He was not a lightly complected man, but he blanched white around his eyes and his mouth went back into that grim cut. "That..." He muttered, "Is something I completely understand, Jenna. More than you'll ever know."

"I know I don't really matter in this..." How could she? She hadn't even known him a full twenty four hours yet. "But I really hope you don't. Do you really want to die?"

"No." His answer was firm, immediate. "I want to _live, _but I don't want to _exist_. And last night was the first time that I felt like I was living...since London. So, thank you."

"Not a problem." Perhaps, not not perhaps, certainly it had not been her most brilliant decision, but really, what had it hurt? It had brought her joy, and given him at least one night _alive _instead of existing. One of those 'yeah, I was young and stupid, and wasn't it great!' moments to look back on later. No regrets, she'd wanted him from the time she'd seen the first image on the frame, and she'd gotten him...at least for a little while.

"So. Want to go for a walk with me? I told myself...if I lived through it all...I'd come here and take a walk through the first snow. There it is, the first real snow I've seen in years."

"Sure." Hopefully he would not recognize his father's coat...on her. Or maybe it wouldn't matter even if he did.

It was a beautiful day, clear, still, the trees frosted silver, the mountains bright against a pure, blue sky. "What are you thinking?" He asked after a long, companionable silence, moving through the ranks of trees, and she shrugged.

"Nothing you want to hear."

"Try me."

"I love it here." It was wrong to say that about someone else's home, _his_ home...to his face. It was pathetic, and manipulative... _I don't want to leave. _

"It's home." He agreed. "When things got bad, really bad... I'd just think of finally being able to come back here. Oh, don't look at me like that. I'm not going to run you off. There's plenty here for both of us. Tell me about yourself..."

"Not much to tell. I'm pretty normal, as normal goes... chesty blonde bartender/waitress type...dating the same guy since high school, until he split my lip open. You know, the kind of girl who does nothing but disappoint Mom? The kind of girl who disappointed the boyfriend that Mom adored? Ah, God...Mom." In spite of it all, Jenna had to laugh. When had it all gotten _funny_? "The woman who thought going to college would be unrealistic and uppity...but set her heart on me competing in world class ice skating? I think I was born just to mess with her mind, really...just a perfectly incomprehensible disappointment."

He nodded, laughing with her, and it was a wonderful sound. "What would you know about disappointing your parents?" She asked, "Really? You're a college guy, no doubt. Smart. Bet they loved you to death."

A shadow passed over his expression, then cleared when he shrugged. "Well, if we're being honest, no. We had, and still have...problems."

"The _boy_friend?"

"That's something they never knew. And Mom still doesn't." He admitted, helping her over a ledge of rocks and onto the high ground overlooking the property. "And no, Jenna...I never went to college. That was the original plan, but then real life happened. I was taken away from my parents...biotics then weren't really given the chance to turn the training down. It was compulsory, and it was hell...and then they closed it down. I came home, but I was messed up. They didn't know how to handle me, and I tried to handle it myself. Took me quite awhile to kick what I'd gotten myself in, spent time in rehab, left that straight to Marine recruitment. I didn't want to have enough rope to drop myself down that hole again. What my parents did know was that I was a freak, I killed somebody in biotics training, I developed a rather unhealthy crush on one of my classmates, I fell off the deep end, I did drugs, and then I went and enlisted three hours out of rehab. Yes, Jenna...I disappointed my parents."

And, like her, he didn't sound that terribly broken up about it, standing there, surrounded by beauty. "You skate?"

"I did."

"And...?" She stared at him, and he stared right back. "Hell. I've admitted I'm an ex junkie bisexual suicidal biotic marine, you know more of my secrets than any person alive now. You can at least tell me what happened there." He stated firmly. "Since we're being honest, and all."

"Not much happened there. I was good. Really good. But I wasn't great...and what she wanted from me required greatness. I simply didn't have it, I was willing to admit it...she wasn't." That blunt description of his faults should have bothered her, should have raised all of those doubts that had made her back away from men before. She was in the market for a good guy, a decent guy... "I'd gone as far as I was going to go. I wanted to look at my other options. To her, there were no other options. To her, I just wasn't working hard enough. I just hadn't tried hard enough. We fought the day after my last competition, and I never skated again. And that was the day I moved out, and moved in with the boyfriend." The biggest mistake of her life... but it paled in comparison to his admissions of guilt. And all of it paled in comparison to their situation now.

"Eh. We'll have to go one of these days. I used to be pretty decent myself...played some hockey. But you knew that."

"One of these days?"

"You don't think I admit every single one of my mortal sins to a person I don't intend on keeping as a friend, at least?"

"A friend." It had been so long since Jenna had had one of those. Even before the Reapers, she'd been surrounded by acquaintances, people she felt a need to get along with. Oddly, even her boyfriend had been one of those, just one she'd happened to be sleeping with... "I'd like that, Kaidan. I think I need one."

"You and me, both." He sighed, staring down at the valley below him. He touched his fingertips to her cheeks, flushed from the chill, and leaned in to kiss her.


	11. Chapter 11

The next three days were some of the best in Kaidan's life. They shouldn't have been, the pall of John's loss still hung over everything, but that just seemed to make breathing again feel all the more real. Once again, he'd moved up to the edge, admired the view, and stepped away from it. He liked Jenna as more than just a bed partner, she proved to be smart, companionable, her laugh lit up her surroundings. He slept for the first time in months, truly slept...lulled by her proximity in his bed. They hadn't been 'intimate' again, although Kaidan found sleeping with her in his arms to be very intimate. The act had been wonderful, but now he was trying to lay a foundation for a relationship.

"Did you want me to try to find anything from Vancouver for you?" He dropped the words gently at breakfast... he wanted her to be certain he was coming back before she realized he was going away. "I have doctors' appointments today. I need to touch base with my crew and make sure everything's going okay there. My CO. My mom. I'll be back, probably tomorrow."

"From Vancouver?" She held the coffee pot, tilting her head in thought. "Soap...of any sort. Coffee. Sugar. I mean, whatever you could bring back. I don't know what's left."

Neither did he, but he'd certainly find out for her. "Oh." He breathed, and she stared at him, accurately reading the change in his voice. "Um."

It was amazing how a serving spoon could be held like a weapon, how wary her expression could become. "Look. Jenna. I am coming back, I promise. And while I have certainly enjoyed...being with you...in that way..." Well, nothing like falling all over his words. "I'd prefer to do it again _without_ a rubber. If I brought back birth control, would you..." Ah, hell. He was all out of words. He'd gotten his point across, she was no idiot. "What would you need from me?"

"Your doctor would give you birth control for me without seeing me?"

No, put that way, probably not. He'd had enough medical training to know exactly what Chakwas would say to that. The very first moment she discovered he was active, she'd want to see Jenna anyway. "Would you consider seeing her? I mean... you've been out here awhile. You could probably use a checkup... supplements..." His mind helpfully started a list of just all of the reasons that his doctor would want to examine her.

"If you're paying for it, I'm up for it." She sighed, picking up her coat. "So you fly that thing parked next to the orchard?"

"The Kodiak? Yes, it's how I got here. I am fully checked out on all of her systems. I am also an authorized co pilot for the _Normandy_ class frigates. I can fly, Jenna."

"Alright, then." She sighed, and he clapped her on her shoulder in sympathy.

"Hey." He breathed. "I know it's rough... but you know it's bad out there. Maybe, though, you've made it worse in your mind than it really is. There are people in Vancouver. Survivors, just like you are." He helped her into the shuttle, buckling her into the co pilot's seat, and settled himself in the pilot's seat. It was an overcast day, gloomy...not nearly as beautiful as it had been when he'd flown here. He watched her face out of the corner of his eye...she had been slightly nervous when he'd taken off, but had relaxed somewhat now that they were in the air, stable and level.

"What?" She asked, her attention fixed on the windows, and the view beyond. "You're watching me."

"You're beautiful." He chuckled, glancing at his instruments again. "But I'm debating how to handle this... turning up with you. I know the people around me, the more wiggly and secretive I get, the more they're going to want to know. I leave to go look for my father, and I bring you back with me."

"What's the easiest for you? I don't intend to have anything to do with these people anyway, so it doesn't matter to me."

Ah. If it was only that easy... but Kaidan couldn't even see how to begin that conversation with her. She thought he could take her to Vancouver, get her checked up, possibly introduce her as a girlfriend, and that she could vanish back up to the Okanagan like nothing had ever happened.

"They might not be so willing to let that happen, Jenna. My mom would..." Well, hell, he didn't exactly know what his mom would do. She'd never been around him when he had a girlfriend...a boyfriend... a lover. "Something." He chuckled... "She might not let you go." That was a possibility... Jenna was everything that he was not, normal and comprehensible. A civilian, something he could date in public without any sort of a scene...well, not much of a scene. He was willing to guess she was perhaps a little too young for him. Definitely legal, but edging towards inappropriate. "Jenna..." Oh, he didn't want to ask it, but he needed to. "How old are you?" _Please, please, __please__ at least be as old as I think you are..._

"Twenty five."

Oh, good. She was at least as old as he thought she was. Hackett wouldn't eat him alive, and the press wouldn't have so much of a field day if they found out. "Vancouver Naval station, this is _Normandy_ shuttle Alpha 2 reaching your airspace."

"_Normandy_ shuttle Alpha 2... your destination?"

"Destination for shuttle Alpha 2 is _Normandy _side berth, ground docks." It was comforting, unchanging, second nature.

"Cleared for approach on your current heading and altitude, Alpha 2."

He sighed, taking the yoke. "Ready for this?" He asked, seeing the glint of Vancouver ahead. Reality was about to hit Jenna, and there wasn't much he could do to soften the blow. But he did not entirely approve of her staying in her shell... this was their new reality and they had to deal with it.

"As ready as I'm ever going to be." She admitted, watching the horizon.

He remained silent as he brought the Kodiak in over the ruins of Vancouver, managing a clean, competent landing in the small berth. "So. If...when...they ask, I'm just going to come out and say that you're my girlfriend."

She laughed, that deep belly laugh he'd come to expect from her. "Is that your way of asking me if I'll be your girlfriend, Kaidan? Or are we just doing that for ease of labeling?"

He powered down the engines, considering the question. "I'd prefer the first one, but I'll settle for the second one." He finally admitted. "I don't want to rush things..."

She grinned at him at that, her smile lighting up her face, and he sighed. "...Any more than we already have. But I like you, Jenna. I really do. Let's go."

She nodded, and he pulled the quick release on her harness, helping her to her feet and preceded her back to the door. He took a long breath, straightened his back, and punched the lever to open the door. Cold air blasted the interior, flurries buffeted outside of the shuttle. Vega stood watch just outside, his eyes scanning the docks. "Major." He greeted, a flurry of emotions crossing his eyes as he got his first good look at Kaidan.

_Did I look so bad when I left...that he looks that relieved now? _James often came off like a dumb, musclebound grunt, but Kaidan knew better. Vega was perceptive, indeed, and often used that preconception as a tool, a weapon. Vega's eyes fell on Jenna, and open puzzlement crossed his features, he didn't quite know what to make of her.

"Good morning, Vega. This is Jenna Rolfsmeyer. Jenna, Lieutenant James Vega, _Normandy_'s master of arms." He'd used the ship's name several times, but she still seemed clueless.

"Ma'am." James stared at her for a long moment, giving her the once, twice, three times over and not bothering to hide it. "She's with you?" He finally asked, and Kaidan nodded. He could just feel the questions, but Vega seemed willing to hold them...for now. "She armed?"

Honestly, Kaidan didn't know. He didn't think so...but that oversized coat she was wearing could hide a multitude of sins. Jenna glanced between the two of them at that comment, before nodding and shrugging out of the coat, holding it out to Vega. "He's some sort of security, right?"

"I'm responsible for the _Normandy_'s security, yes." James tried to hide the appreciative look that she'd gained now that she was not obscured by the bulky, ill fitting coat. He searched the coat, then patted her down...giving Kaidan a fully questioning look when she could not see him, before handing the coat back to her. "She's not carrying any conventional weapons, jefe. You bringing her on board?"

"No, I am not." It was one thing for him to trust Jenna, to take her at face value...another thing altogether to risk the _Normandy_ and her crew by bringing an unauthorized stranger on board. "I have appointments, Hackett, Chakwas. Maybe others... then probably going to see my mom to let her know I'm still alive and kicking."

"Yes, yes, you are. You're looking good, Major. Good to have you back." There was a weight behind the last sentence at odds with its surface meaning, and Kaidan nodded slowly. He did feel like he was 'back'.

"Come on." He held out his hand to Jenna, who took it and gave James a wide smile.

"Nice to meet you, Lieutenant Vega." She stated, and James managed to keep his cool...mostly. Kaidan knew he'd be hearing about this later, but for now, he had an Admiral to meet with.

"You're right. It's not quite as bad here as I'd been dreading. It's terrible but..." Jenna stated as he walked along with her. "Nothing I can't get my head around. So." She breathed, "You going to tell me why we're getting stared at?"

"You're that gorgeous." Although it was a fairly lame diversion, she was that gorgeous, and that obviously civilian, her hair pulled back from her face, but flowing freely down her back. She stuck out, all of it in a good way.

"Do I look like a sucker?"

"No. But you _are_ gorgeous. As for the stares..." He shrugged. "Hard to explain." Even though he better figure it out, soon. "They're staring at me. At you. At us. Jenna... I was XO...second in command...of the _Normandy_ during all of the Reaper shit. I was John Shepard's executive officer... three steps behind him pretty much the whole way, while he saved the galaxy. With him gone now, I'm..." _The one who survived. While John didn't. _"Hell, Jenna. I'm still just the screwed up guy you slept with a few days ago. Nothing has changed."

She stopped in her tracks, taking a slow turn to stare towards downtown Vancouver, dawning shock and realization crossing her features. "You were with the team that stopped them."

He wanted to demur, to sidestep the question. Each and every soldier had done their part, but yes. At the end, when it had counted, he had been...until he was dropped just mere meters from the target, splattered with his own blood, unable to walk. But they'd gotten Shepard that close, close enough... "Yes."

He was expecting a lot of things from her, but not a repeat of the belly laugh. She moved back to his side, shaking her head. "You missed the 'war hero' part of the ex junkie bisexual suicidal marine."

"I don't see myself as a war hero." He muttered, and she grimaced.

"Let me ask you this, would you call the others who were with you that? Your crew?"

"Every single damned one of them." He snarled, knowing exactly where she had gone with that. But he couldn't deny it, in his mind every single one of them was a hero...except for himself. He knew it was stupid, but that was just how it was.

"Uh huh. Just remember... I slept with you before I knew. I was your friend before I knew."

"Ah, hell, Jenna." He sighed, shaking his head. "Is that what you're afraid of? Never. But here's where we're going first." It had once been a hotel, now it was Hackett's ground headquarters and quartering for much of their remaining soldiery. "Alenko." He identified himself to the guard at the door, "And guest. She's with me. I have an appointment with Admiral Hackett."

"Of course, sir. Sign her in...and you know where the Admiral's office is?" The man passed him a datapad, and Kaidan picked up the stylus... "Jenna, this is going to sound stupid..."

"Jenna, two n's, no h. Rolfsmeyer..." She spelled it out, giving the nonplussed guard a thousand watt grin as Kaidan signed her in. He was afraid that she would be skittish, wary, but she seemed to find the whole procedure more amusing than stress inducing.

"There." He handed the pad back and led the way towards Hackett's office, his back straight and his expression engaged. It wasn't an act this time. There was a large, open area in front of Hackett's office, once a meeting room, and Kaidan had expected to leave Jenna there to wait. He was not expecting to find Hackett there, surveying the view out of the large cracked window...taped with hasty strips for support.

"Sir." Hackett looked much like he sounded, grizzled, rusty, spare, strong and calm. Even when things were good, there had been no fineries on the man. Now, he could pass as any one of the men in the hall, which was probably the desired effect. Just because they'd saved the world, the galaxy, didn't mean they could let their guard down...

"Alenko, and..." Hackett tilted his head, considering Jenna for a long, long moment. "Jellybeans. BC A-9911."

And Kaidan was utterly clueless as to just what the Admiral was talking about. He seemed okay, but he was speaking gibberish... No, some of that was familiar, but Kaidan couldn't quite place it.

"And you're Hackett. _Everest_ Tac Command."

Hackett nodded, "Yes, I am. Admiral Hackett, Alliance Fifth Fleet. It's a pleasure to finally meet you in the flesh, Miss...?"

"Rolfsmeyer. Jenna Rolfsmeyer." She shook his hand when he offered it, and accepted the seat that he pointed to. Oddly, Hackett chose to sit across from her, and Kaidan finally sat next to her.

"Sir?" He asked when the silence grew long, after Hackett had glanced between him and Jenna one too many times for his comfort.

"Thinking, Alenko. We were worried about you, you looked like hell. Look better now, though. A good thing. Getting on well?"

"Ah, yes sir. I am. You wanted to see me?"

"I did. And I see you now, Alenko. Simply a social call, that's all. Have some coffee, while we still have some?"

_I just passed muster. _Kaidan knew exactly that's what that was. Hackett had brought him here to look him in the eyes and weigh what he saw there. To make his own decision about Kaidan's fitness, man to man. Of course, it hadn't hurt that the man had probably seen right through him and Jenna... but it didn't matter. Jenna wasn't John. She was legal, both civilly and militarily. No rules against it, no fraternization regs to throw up in his face. Jenna was a civilian, an adult, not on his ship, not in his chain of command, not even in the military. She was safe. She wasn't about to go charging a Reaper beam, she wasn't about to go saving the galaxy. Was that why he was interested? Was he running from everything that John had embodied? Was he simply settling for the first safe, kind, gentle woman that sent a glance in his direction? Someone who had much less of a chance of hurting him like John had?

Or maybe, maybe he was looking for that thing he'd always wanted... a family? Children? He wasn't a young man anymore, maybe he'd matured past the level of destruction and self destruction that he'd been living in? He loved John, but the relationship had torn him up. This was _twice_ that it had pushed him to the edge...how much more was he supposed to take?

_I want a second chance. I want the hope to have a family, a child or two. I want the hope to move on from this. _

And he was certain of one thing...Jenna held chances, hope, a future. It wasn't a given, it wasn't a guarantee, but a true possibility. And he wanted that possibility.


	12. Chapter 12

"Dr. Chakwas." He greeted, not surprised when she gave him the same intent stare that Hackett had. "Good morning." He took the seat across from her in the large exam room, Jenna safely ensconced in the reception area well down the hallway.

"Major Alenko." Her eyes were narrowed, and he smiled. He'd always found her to be one of the crew he got along well with...he knew he had a reputation of being slightly too...inhibited... for many of Shepard's closest group. Major By-the-book Alenko, the naysayer. But Chakwas accepted him...other than Shepard, she had been his closest relationship on the _Normandy_. "Without your mother. I was beginning to think I'd have to surgically remove her for your own good."

He laughed outright, shaking his head. "Yes, she has gotten a little attached lately. But there were things that I wanted to discuss with you today, in private."

"Of course, Major. Shoot." She leaned back in her seat, folding her hands over her chest, giving him her full attention.

Ah, well...best to just dive in. She was a blunt woman who appreciated blunt thrown right back at her. "Sex." He stated firmly. "I, uh...have some questions. Or need some help."

She raised a brow, leaning forward. "None of your injuries should cause any sort of...performance...issues, Major. I would say that soon, in the future, when you are ready for it...there shouldn't be an issue... in due time. Is there something that has caused you to question that? Pain? A lessening of your normal sensitivity? Fewer or no..." She trailed off, tilting her head at him.

"I can perform just fine, Dr. Chakwas. Of that, I am certain. No doubts. I wasn't quite aware that we were in an 'in due time' situation, I should have perhaps been informed of that..._before_." Not that he really thought it would have mattered. He would have done all kinds of stupid to have slept with Jenna that night, and he wasn't going to fool anybody...least of all himself.

"Oh, my, Major. I am... So very sorry."

Sorry?! That was about the most incomprehensible answer to what he'd just told her...was he missing something? Something he should have known? "Dr. Chakwas?"

"I'm afraid, Major, that I have allowed the fact that I have personal knowledge and prejudices with you affect our doctor – patient relationship. I cannot tell you how very horrified I am. I assumed..."

"You assumed that I would wait another two years to get over John, and that we would have months to have the sex discussion."

"Yes, poor doctoring on my part, Major. My deepest apologies. But I will admit that this admission has raised some concerns on my part. It is fast, for you... You know I'm here for you. For more than just checking your incisions, if you need to talk... I have to ask now, were you careful? Just picking up a man isn't the wisest course of action, although I can certainly understand..."

Kaidan held up a hand to stop her. Once she got started, she was like any other professional, in the groove and going strong. He held up a finger when she did stop, "One, it is not a man. That...I can't handle right now. Two." He held up another finger, "We were careful. We used a condom." He held up a third finger, "Three, I've brought her here to be seen by you."

"You willing to put her down as your dependent? If you're considering a relationship, it would be the safest..."

Kaidan considered the question, well aware that it was indeed the safest... first, for Dr. Chakwas, just asked to provide medical attention to her beyond that of a refugee. It would guarantee that other military doctors would see Jenna in an emergency. She'd get rations, housing and care now, and a large portion of his benefits, if something tragic happened to him. "Good idea." He breathed, bringing up his omni-tool, and typing in the first few strings of information. There was a split second pause, and the rest of the form auto-filled, counter signed by Hackett... just over an hour ago, and chimed when it completed.

"That...did not take long at all." Chakwas marveled, and he shrugged.

"I think Hackett was expecting it. She supported the resistance, worked with _Everest_'s tac off during the liberation. He was expecting me to run into her, and I think he's less than surprised that I brought her back with me." He smiled, "She's been living in my parents' vacation home for the whole invasion..."

"Fate moves in mysterious ways, Major. Now, let me see those incisions..."

,`,`,`,`,`,`

Jenna lounged. Waiting rooms were waiting rooms, no matter what, the only difference with this one was that everybody else in it wore a uniform, most of them identical to the dappled dark blue, dark gray, and black uniform that Kaidan wore. "Rolfsmeyer?"

"Here." She looked over, the woman asking was the receptionist, who had been talking to the young man who had just entered. "I'm Jenna Rolfsmeyer..."

"Ah. I'm an adjutant from Hackett's office. This is for you." He handed her an envelope and was gone, leaving Jenna to delve into the contents of the envelope, curious. Identification? Bright, shiny, _military_ identification, with her name and picture on it. _Dependent SO. Sponsor: Alenko, Kaidan. Maj. 5586-EA-7119. _

"Jenna?" Boy, she was just a popular person...Jenna stood again, but this time the call had come from the doorway that Kaidan had vanished through. An austerely attractive older woman, her hair in a silver bob, stood there. "I'm Dr. Karin Chakwas. Please, come with me."

Jenna grimaced, following the woman. Thankfully, except for a propensity to break her wrists trying, and failing, to master a triple jump...any triple jump, before she'd gotten wise and started to wear wrist guards... Jenna had never had many calls to spend time in a doctor's office. This was her first visit to one since leaving school. But she was an adult, right? A responsible, intelligent adult. "Let me guess." She sighed mournfully, "You're going to want the whole shebang."

The woman gave her a smile, showing her into an exam room and closing the door tightly behind her. "Knowing that you are sexually active with Major Alenko, yes, I am _going_ to want the whole shebang...eventually. But let's talk first."

Jenna nodded, taking one of the seats. "Major Alenko has authorized me to give you all of his relevant medical information." The woman said, sliding a flimsy across the small table to Jenna. "I can verify that he is free of any diseases, and about as healthy as he could ever hope to be... given the past few years. He has told me that he has informed you of the more questionable parts of his past, and I can also confirm that those have not affected his health. Those are all addressed in that report. Now...as to you."

"Me. Well, not much to tell you. Except for a few broken bones, I've been healthy. Had only one partner before Kaidan, was always careful with him ...left him when he split my lip. No bad habits, sounds like Kaidan has all of those covered for both of us."

Oh, and that austere face could just _breathe_ disapproval... "A few broken bones? Courtesy of the ex boyfriend as well?"

"Courtesy of my old nemesis, the triple salchow. I used to skate. The split lip was the first, and last, time that the ex boyfriend hit me."

"Good. Good. Are you normally this thin?"

Thin? That was a sin that Jenna was rarely accused of, and while she'd left the coat hanging in the waiting room, she was still modestly dressed. But this was a doctor who seemed to notice everything. "No. I've lost a lot of weight since the invasion. It's been kind of rough, you know?"

"I wasn't here...was with the _Normandy_. Say ah..."

,`,``,`,,`

Kaidan sensed Chakwas come into the room behind him, and he faded his omni tool before he turned to her. "Well?" He asked, as she closed the door.

"She has given me the same authorization that you gave me. I can tell you that she is a perfectly healthy, albeit somewhat underweight, twenty five year old woman. I've given her boosters, supplements, gave her something for intestinal parasites, just in case, and put her on birth control... pretty much everything I could think of. She's free to go, as are you. Run. Escape."

"Thanks, Doc. She in the waiting room?"

"Ah, yes. And am I allowed to make an observation?"

"Absolutely. I count you as a friend." He'd spent too many hours in her medical bay, fighting off migraines under her care... had too many discussions, conversations, and now she'd pulled him through another near death injury.

"That's an uncommonly beautiful young woman. Seems to have her head screwed on straight. I admit I had some reservations when you told me you were seeing someone so soon, but..."

"She's gorgeous. And she's good to be around. I'm willing to see where it goes... I know it's soon, I know it's early, but..."

"But you look alive for the first time since they brought you to me over London. Good luck, Major. I mean that."

"Thanks." He breathed, taking her hand and giving it a quick squeeze before he headed for the waiting room, and Jenna.

"Hey, you." She greeted with a smile. "We done here?"

"Yes. If you're up for it, I'd like to go see my mother... after we pick up rations."

,`,`,`,`,`,`

Jenna bit the inside of her lip, uncertainty clenching her stomach. Meet the mother, never a happy idea. Everybody so far had been thrilled to see her, thrilled to see him, but those had all been the people he served with. Mom...well, that was a different animal altogether. And she was pretty certain that he was an only...unlike Jenna.

He and his mother were staying in an intact apartment building just around the block from the core area that held Fifth Fleet HQ, and the Naval hospital. He stopped at one of the doors, surveying it for a long moment before he raised his hand and knocked.

"Who is it?" Muffled concern, a wary distance.

"Kaidan, mom. It's Kaidan." He sighed, shaking his head with a half grin. The door flew open, and a very lovely woman stood there, hands on her hips.

"Why would you knock, silly..." Her light brown eyes fell on Jenna, halfway protected by Kaidan's body between her and the door. "Oh, you aren't alone."

"No. Not alone. Jenna, this is my mother, Danielle. Mom...this is Jenna. The woman I've been seeing."

There was a certain wicked pleasure in seeing the woman's utterly stunned expression, the way her eyes locked with Jenna, as if she was expecting Jenna to laugh it all off, to punch Kaidan on the shoulder for the joke. "Hi. I'm Jenna." Nice, big smile...

"A...pleasure, Jenna. Come on in. I didn't know that Kaidan was seeing anyone."

"It's fairly recent." The living room beyond was small, tidy, it felt very temporary. Unloved, and it hit Jenna's soul hard. It wasn't a home. It was simply a place.

"Ah." The woman was willowy slender, with shoulder length brown hair... paler than Kaidan. "You're in the military?" That was edged with doubt, Jenna knew that her pride and joy, her hair, stated quite firmly otherwise.

"No. I'm just an ordinary girl from BC. A civilian through and through." Now would come the questions, and Jenna had few doubts as to how well she'd be taken by his mother. Kaidan might consider himself a disappointment, fallen too far for any of this to matter, but the look in his mother's eyes told Jenna an entirely different story.

_I'm not going to be good enough for her. _At least the war hero over there had more than his fair share of faults, readily admitted to. She could turn them over in her mind, balance it all out. He was gorgeous, intelligent, seemed decent enough... but she could knock the glaring shine off of that with the rest of it. It brought him down to a normal level, a reachable one even for the likes of her. But Mom...probably not.

"You're Canadian?"

Well, that was something that Jenna would have never considered to be a selling point, but there was the hint of a smile on Kaidan's lips that suggested it might just be. "You know the girl I told you I had a crush on? Way back when?"

"Sure."

"She was most certainly _not_ Canadian. My mother is of the opinion that she might have had more of a backbone if she had been bred from sterner, red blooded Canuck stock. The fact that you've fed me bear that you killed is a plus."

"It was only a little bear." Jenna stated...the last thing she wanted was this woman thinking that she'd pulled a Tarzan of the Okanagan, bagging herself a massive grizzly.

"Only a _little_ bear." His mother laughed outright. "Well, she's not a hothouse flower, Kai. Where in BC are you from, Jenna?"

"Kamloops. I worked in a hotel before things all fell apart. Housekeeping, bar-tending, waitressing. The usual." And the usual would probably fall short, men like Kaidan had short vacation flings with 'the usual'.

The woman snorted. "Good. Treat him well, and we'll have no problems whatsoever." She sighed, turning to Kaidan with a dark stare. "I assume that you did not find your father?"

"Not a trace. I'm certain he did not make it to the orchard, that's all I can say. I'll keep looking."

"Of course you will." That wasn't a directive, more of a bow to the inevitable. "I'll start lunch. Did you make it to your appointment with Chakwas this morning?"

"I did, yes. She says I'm doing just fine, thank you very much. Lifted almost all of my restrictions, although she wants to wait another fortnight before she calls me fit for service. Not like we're going anywhere, anyway." That came with a grinding resignation, and Jenna tilted her head, considering it.

"The mass relays are still down. Even if _Normandy_ wasn't damaged, which she is, we wouldn't be going far."

"Our horizons have shrunk again." Jenna muttered. Not that it really mattered to her...she was never going to make it into space. But for those who had been there, fought there, lived there, she could see where it would be a loss. "We won, but it crippled us."

"We'll get back." Kaidan sounded assured of that, "Brilliant minds are working on it."

"Hmmm." Jenna replied. The fact that humanity had been in space had not changed her life, and the only difference a return to space seemed to bring was the fact that Kaidan would probably leave, if not forever, then for long, long periods. Not exactly a thrilling idea, but it was not her place to express that. She'd known him for four days, slept with him once. That hardly put her in a position to dictate anything in his life. This was just temporary, after all. She'd be stupid to think otherwise, it was just fun while it lasted.

It was odd to sit at a table and eat...now with two other people. Having Kaidan around had been a relief, but two really helped underline the fact that there were survivors. She'd seen several that day. And his mother seemed like a perfectly nice person, not at all what Jenna was afraid of. If she had any serious misgivings about Jenna's presence, she hid them well.

And Kaidan simply watched the two of them, mostly silent, as if he was trying to absorb it all, engrave it. "Hate to do this to you guys." He said when the meal was over, and Jenna reflexively started to clear the table, stacking the plates. "But you aren't eating other, or glaring at each other from opposite sides of the room. It seems safe to leave the pair of you alone, together. And I need to check up on my ship, my crew."

He was going to leave her alone with his mother? That had not been mentioned before, but now she was stuck and he knew it. Once he was gone, the ugly would start. She was trapped. "Sure." She did her best to not sound like she was being condemned to the gallows, and he chuckled, obviously her best was not good enough.

"Be nice, Mom." He ordered, picking up his jacket and giving Jenna a thumbs up. Then he was gone... leaving her with a stack of dishes and a stranger.

It was not far to the docks, finishing the circle of the temporary base that he'd started with that morning. It was comforting and nostalgic to set foot back on the Normandy's deck, it was home. The framework that so much of his life had been built into, the backdrop to the greatest years of his life.

Vega stood at the juncture to the main corridor, his brow raised and the hint of a smirk on his lips. "Major." He greeted, and Kaidan could only smirk back. It was terrible, but it was how it was. "The woman...?"

"My girlfriend."

"¡Aiiii Que chula! Does she have a sister?"

For the life of him, Kaidan did not know, but he would die before he admitted it. "How are we doing?" He fought down the smirk, tamed the chuckle. He'd never, ever experienced this sort of camaraderie before. He'd never dated during his tour with the _Normandy_, except for John. And that was nothing that Vega was going to be touching with a three meter pole. Kaidan knew that James had to know, but Vega would never, ever admiringly tease him about it. It was a non-subject. Jenna apparently did not get the same reserved treatment.

"Some of us better than others, Major. But seriously, we're on schedule. And I see that your schedule has been updated by Chakwas. Two weeks?"

"I could argue, but what's the point? _Normandy_ will take longer than I will." Although _Normandy_ was a high priority, getting the resources necessary to bring her back up to spec was draining, difficult.

"True. Three, four weeks. Maybe then Joker will calm down."

Doubtful, but Kaidan chose to keep that to himself. This had been hard on everyone involved, they were the absolute best, but they'd been pushed hard. Lost a lot. And some of them were completely stuck away from their homeworlds, waiting on a hope and a prayer. It was a grave responsibility, one that Kaidan held closely... he was now, until someone told him otherwise, captain of the _Normandy_. This was _his_ crew.

Vega only nodded as if he had spoken aloud. "I was afraid I was going to have to borrow a Kodiak to go check on you, Major. To do a health and welfare check...three days with no word from you."

"I had some things I had to work on. But they're pretty much all ironed out for the moment."

"Understood." Vega stood at parade rest for a long moment, out of habit...and Kaidan suspected that a large part of that habit was to flex impressively. He did it even around people he wasn't trying to impress in that way, without thinking. "So. La guera... that's a thing, right? You're not the kind of guy who plays around."

Ah, the joys of speaking with Vega, and trying to puzzle out about half of the conversation by matching it to context. "If you're referring to Jenna, then yes, that's a thing. Not sure what you just called her..." Kaidan sincerely hoped it wasn't too terribly insulting, or earthy, or crass...but with Vega...

"The blonde. You don't seem like a blonde type."

"Ah, no. My last girlfriend was a brunette...her name was Rahna."

Vega looked like he'd swallowed his own tongue for a moment, before he sputtered, obviously fighting down...laughter. "What?" Kaidan asked suspiciously, running the last phrase over in his mind again. It seemed perfectly fine to him.

"Ah...nothing...Major...nothing at all."

"Bullshit. It's not like I'm seeing her anymore, and I could use a laugh..." More than that, he was simply curious.

"Sorry, but in Spanish, that means frog. Her name. Rana."

And somehow, Kaidan knew he'd never get that out of his mind ever again. "Thanks, Vega, thanks. Please tell me that Jenna doesn't mean camel, or something."

"No, sir. Just a name. A pretty name, but just a name."

Kaidan shook his head, waving his hand towards the interior of the _Normandy_. "Let's go, Vega, time to play captain."

"Sir, you are the captain now." Vega replied firmly, and Kaidan could only sigh under his breath. He'd give anything to not need to be...


	13. Chapter 13

"So. You are Kaidan's girlfriend." Mrs. Alenko noted, taking the stack of plates away from Jenna when she carried them into the tiny kitchenette. "This isn't some wild plot to get me to calm down, is it?"

"No. Kaidan and I are seeing each other. Admittedly not for very long, but it's not fake."

"Good. He needs somebody, and I can't be _that_ somebody. He scares me... he has for years."

Jenna stared at her, uncertain as to what exactly she was supposed to say to that. "But you love him." She noted, that was as obvious as the nose on her face.

The older woman snorted in response, putting the plates to soak. "Of course I love him. I knew he was going to be my only, but even beyond that, he is a fine man. But he walked outside of my reach and I can't quite get him back..." She gave Jenna a sideways look. "I assume he's given you the litany of his faults, he calls it honesty. I call it chasing people away before they give him a chance to prove himself."

"I know quite a few less than stellar things about Kaidan." Jenna replied cautiously, wishing there was some other chore she could turn her attention to, but she saw none. "But he's a good man."

"He is. His room is the one on the right, if you wanted to get settled in for the night. Oh, and thank you."

Jenna didn't bother to fight the confusion that moved across her face. Thanks? For what? She'd done nothing...

"I knew Kai was lying when he told me he was going to look for Kazimir. I've seen that look before, Jenna. He had it when we went to get him back from biotics 'training', right before he vanished and started using. It's the look he gets when he's about to start on a self destruct rampage, and this time I didn't think he was going to survive it. Ah, shit. I don't want you to think that Kai's weak, Jenna. He isn't. He's been dealt some shit in his life, right from the beginning. Right from the exposure..."

Jenna nodded, she'd been able to put at least part of this together. Science had been one of her best subjects, she was fairly well educated on just how Kaidan had become a biotic. And if he was a strong enough one to have been through training, then he had probably been exposed to element zero in utero, yet he'd survived it. He was also old enough to have been among the first crop of human biotics...

"We decided then that we would not risk having another one. It was hard... but at that point, nobody could give us more than conjecture about our risks to have another one. So many of them died, we just couldn't knowingly inflict that on a child. We had Kaidan, in spite of the fact that we were warned he would probably die. Kaz was so proud, called him our little Magyar... looked so much like him. He was smart. Kind. Decent, a joy. And then they took him away from us, and they broke him. And I've watched him try to put himself back together again for years...every time it seems like he's almost there, something else hits him again. He's all I have left, Jenna. You sit and watch me, try so hard to say just the right things at the right times, without saying too much...and you have no idea how very, very _relieved_ I am to see you, because I can't do this alone. Oh, and something about him that he probably hasn't told you, but I will..."

"Oh?"

"Once Kaidan loves you, he always loves you."

`,,`,`,`,`,`,`,`

It was snowing again when Kaidan left _Normandy_, headed for the apartment. It was fitting that they would have one of the worst winters that he had ever seen this area experience, it just added to the struggle. As if they didn't have enough of that already... Except for the main buildings, every structure he passed was dark, conserving precious energy.

Hopefully, Jenna and his mother were, if not getting along, were not actively getting on each others' nerves. While Jenna had given him nothing but a sunny disposition, he sensed sheer stubborn immobility beneath those smiles. And his mother was the poster child for unyielding resolve... They'd either be the best of friends, or the worst of enemies...

He let himself in silently, listening. He could hear their voices, rising, falling, no stress or distress in either of them. They sat on the floor, Jenna's back to him, and were playing cards in the faint lantern light he'd grown used to recently.

"Kai." His mother greeted, and Jenna twisted around to give him a grin. They were getting along, it was all just fine. He could work with this.

"Mom. Jenna." Oh, yes. Jenna was apparently quite comfortable... comfortable enough to not be completely dressed. She'd shed her flannel over shirt and her jeans, and was wearing a long sleeved t-shirt and very tight, thin long underwear bottoms with her wool socks scrunched down around her ankles. She'd lost her bra somewhere along the way, and he took a quick second to admire the view.

"Well, I'll give you kids some privacy." His mother chuckled, gathering up the cards and heading towards her room. "See you both in the morning."

Kaidan watched her bedroom door shut firmly behind her, "Well." He stated. "I'm guessing this went better than I was even giving myself room to hope for."

"Probably." Jenna smiled, climbing to her feet and moving over to him. "It went well. Very well... and boy, oh, boy, do you have nerves of steel or what?"

"What?"

"Except for the first second that you saw me, you've managed to keep your eyes above my chin. Not many men can manage that achievement."

"I wasn't certain this was...purposeful. Thought it just might be casual, comfortable." He reached out slowly, but instead of touching what she obviously expected him to, was inviting him to, he dropped his hands to her hips and pulled her close to him. That pushed those lovely breasts up against his chest, those hips against his.

"It was casual and comfortable for your mom. Perhaps it's a little more _purposeful_ for you." She admitted, wrapping her arms around his neck. "You want to go try out my birth control?"

He hissed, lost at that moment and she knew it. "My mom..." He sputtered. He'd never, ever...

"We'll be quiet. It's not like I haven't done it before, you'll be in good...hands." She managed to slide one of those 'good hands' in his pants, and he froze in place.

"Can we at least take it into the bedroom?" He asked, fighting to focus when she wrapped gentle fingers around him and stroked.

"Absolutely." She agreed, releasing him to sway her way towards his bedroom. He followed, of course...the idea of not going with her really didn't enter his mind.

"Damn, woman." He breathed when she turned the lantern on and stripped, facing him with her hands on her hips. She definitely had something to be proud of... and he could feel the building tightness in his groin. She knelt before him and he took a deep breath, resting his hands on the top of her head while she worked the front fastenings of his pants. She was triumphant, sliding them down around his knees and freeing him. The air was chilly, her nipples were hard and the chill helped to harden him almost immediately.

"Yes..." He moaned when she took a hold of an ass cheek in each hand and blew on him, from his scrotum to his head, taking her own sweet time to get there. She then traced the same path with her tongue, and he about fell over on her, his fingers tightening in her hair. "Blow me." He managed, and shuddered when she obliged, taking him into her mouth and sucking hard.

"I need...down." He warned, when it was obvious that he was going to come, and come quickly...and he'd never managed to orgasm and stay on his feet before. It was one thing with John, who was strong enough to steady him, to hold him up, through it without even breaking his rhythm, but Jenna could not. He backed up slightly, the room spinning...she moved along with him, but was obviously unwilling to let go of him. He felt the edge of his bed hit the inside of his knees, and he lowered himself slowly to sit. He spread his legs to give her better access, and let his torso fall back onto the mattress. She butted her shoulders up into the back of his thighs, cupping her hands around him, her thumbs kneading his balls

"Jenna..." He gasped a warning, and her response was not to back off, or let him go, but to squeeze hard...derailing his orgasm for another precious few moments. But he couldn't hold it off much longer, covering his face with his pillow to muffle his yell as he came fast and hard, arching off of the mattress. He rested there for a long moment, savoring the let down...resting an arm over her when she cuddled into his side, curled up tightly to fit on the bed near him...since his lower half was not actually on the mattress.

When the best of it had faded, he sat up, stripping off his uniform while she watched him with cat like interest, running her fingers over his bare back while he tackled his boots.

"You're pretty damn hot." She murmured, rubbing her nose down the furrow of his back, wiggling to wrap her arms around his waist, her knees on either side of his hips, her ankles in his lap. It took him a second to realize what she was doing, a moment to feel the tickle of her hairs deeply at the top of the cleft of his ass, her sex pressed there, warm and wet.

He finally fought through the distraction of his girlfriend grinding off on him, fought the last boot off, and turned quickly in her grasp...pushing her back onto the mattress. It was his turn to go to his knees, to kneel between her thighs, sinking his fingers deeply within her. So hot, so damned wet.

"As are you." He growled, sliding his tongue within her, along his own fingers, then upwards, over her clit, through her hair, and up to her navel. "Tell me what you want."

"You, inside of me...without a condom. I've never done that before."

The admission floored Kaidan for a split second. Never? What a shame, indeed. But she was just going to have to wait for that, because he was nowhere near done with her. She was short enough that he could reach her breasts with his wet hands, while taking a firm hold of her swelling bud with his lips and tongue.

"Pillow." He chuckled against her lips when she made a decently loud and highly pitched squeak. So much for her vaunted experience with stealthy sex in a room next to a parent. Obviously her ex boyfriend had not been good enough to get her to squeak, moan and yell. Kaidan would just have to prove his superiority in certain methods, he had wisdom, patience and a love of knowing that his partners reached ecstasy... it was part of the full experience. If she didn't have it all, then he'd failed. And he didn't fail.

He knew the exact moment she reached a muffled, spasming orgasm, every muscle tightened, and he chose the moment just after that to enter her...firmly, deeply; riding into her at the height of it. She was hot, slick, smooth, her pussy locked tight in the throes of orgasm. "Yeah, baby." he exulted, knowing he'd timed it perfectly when she went into a stunned, intoxicated silence, pushed to the edge and barely breathing. Her eyes were closed, her head lolled back on her neck, and he felt a deep, dark triumph as he fell into his thrusting rhythm. He bottomed out, hitting the edge of her cervix, and the feeling was magnificent. He could go no deeper, fill her no fuller. Her breasts moved with him, and it was one of the most sensual things he'd ever seen, ever experienced.

"_Jenna." _He breathed, feeling the edge opening up for him again, and this time he did not fight it, did not try to hold it off. She had reached her limit, and this was his second erection of the night, it was best to just let things happen. He wasn't quite so young that a third hard on would be a guarantee. He sub-vocalized his own yell, swallowing it down, and collapsed beside her, completely spent.

"Holy fuck." He whispered into her hair. "That was fantastic."

"Kaidan." She breathed, still stunned, and he wrapped her up in his arms and rocked her to sleep.

.`..`.`.`.`.`.`.`

Kaidan had actually given thought to how he was going to court the one woman for him. He'd made, if not plans, then concrete ideas, based on how his flamboyant father had courted his mother. There would be restaurants, plays, concerts, picnics in the park, movies, walks beside the Bay, the occasional well chosen piece of jewelry, flowers.

However, that was before the world teetered on the brink. There were no fancy restaurants for Jenna, he considered himself lucky when he could bring home enough rations to make ends meet. Taking her out consisted of taking her to the recreation hall for the weekly video, sitting on metal folding chairs surrounded by the _Normandy_ crew, or to the dance at the same recreation hall, surrounded by the same crew. Somewhere along the way, and it happened quickly, they just accepted her. It was all too easy to slide into Alenko-and-Jenna, a couple. Concerts were impromptu affairs of soldiers who could play an instrument and decided to get together and jam, hardly the symphonies he'd been expecting to be able to offer when he reached this point. Walks by the Bay would give a heartbreaking panorama of a ruined and shattered city, as did any idea of picnicking. He spent most of his time with Jenna at home, in the apartment, playing cards with his mother or reading. It was not what he'd been looking forward to, and the lack of it sat very still and sad in his heart. He wanted to give it all to Jenna, every last bit of it...but he couldn't. No candlelit dinner, no suit, no breathless romance. He bowed his head, taking the box out of his pocket and opening it. It, at least, was beautiful. It had taken a lot of looking, but he had finally managed to chase down a ring. And even if he'd had a perfect, intact world at his disposal, he would have been happy with this one. She'd get a ring, and she'd get a flower. The ring was real. The flower...was not. But waiting would not fix the world, they'd been together for months now... and today, today was the perfect day. She'd get Kaidan Alenko, down on one knee, in his dress uniform, in front of everybody. Today was the first anniversary, today was Liberation Day. It had been a year since London. It was time to bury that all behind him, using a fake flower and an engagement ring as his pick and shovel.

].`..`.`.`.`.`.`

Jenna swished through the crowds, in a fine, fine mood. She'd managed to find a salvaged gown that fit with only a few repairs needed and Mrs. Alenko had done her hair. Kaidan had vanished, saying that he needed to speak to Admiral Hackett, leaving her up to her own devices. And her devices left her nursing a plastic cup filled with pale punch made from a powdered concentrate and sticking close to those she knew... Mrs. Alenko, the _Normandy_ crew...

Hackett appeared from the back room he'd disappeared into with Kaidan, his inscrutable gaze locked on her. The hotel ballroom hushed as he moved into the center, holding a microphone, parting the crowd as he moved. There was a long, heavy pause before Kaidan emerged from the same door, his shoulders squared, his expression set. He looked at nobody, striding towards Hackett with a purpose. "It's all yours, Major." The Admiral stated loudly enough for the mike to pick it up, and then gave Kaidan a clap on the shoulder as he moved away, pulling back to the edge of the crowd. Kaidan stood alone for a long second before he raised his eyes to her.

"Jenna." He stated, walking towards her. His mother suddenly stepped back quickly, clearing the way, her expression very, very intent, leaving Jenna alone.

Kaidan stopped just a meter in front of her, every eye in the place locked on him. The majority of the Fifth Fleet, gathered to celebrate their victory... "Jenna. Ah, hell, I had this all planned out, what I was going to say, and I've forgotten it all. Figures." He sighed, glanced at his mother just beyond Jenna, and nodded, dropping to one knee. Jenna's heart stopped in disbelief...this wasn't happening, was it? "Jenna, will you make the proudest man in this room tonight? Will you marry me?"

Speak. She had to say something to him, something in the affirmative. "Yes." She whispered, and he grinned, pulling a box out from his jacket and opening it. A ring, but she could barely see it through the blur. She was going to make a scene, do something completely stupid, burst out in tears, flee from him. He took her hand, holding it still, fighting the shakes she'd broken out in with the strength in his own hands, and slid the ring onto her finger. It was the single most perfect day in Jenna's life, and it had come at the end of a few wonderful months. She had never been so happy in her life, and it was too damned good to last.


	14. Interlude

"_You know, if you really want to go down that dark hole, undoubtedly filled with geth, we might want to bring the Mako. Guns. Armor. Just a suggestion, Shepard."_

_ Just a suggestion. Bring the Mako, Shepard. Bring the Mako. Shepard, bring the Mako. The Mako._

_ Oh, shut the hell up, Kaidan... he was trying to think here. Trying to save his own life, he didn't have time for this fragmented but so very loud memory. _

_"I can't believe we actually shot a Mako through a mass relay."_

_ Not now, Kaidan. If you want me to live, you'll shut the fuck up and let me think. _

_"Bring the Mako, Shepard. Bring the Mako. The Mako. Bring it. I can't believe we shot a Mako through a mass relay. Bring the Mako, Shepard."_

_ It hurt too much to think. He'd lost too much blood. His very last conscious, living thought was going to be a memory of Kaidan's voice, locked on this persistent, incessant statement. So many other memories would be better, more fitting...not this drivel. He was dying, and this was what filled his mind? _

_"The Mako, Shepard. Bring the Mako. We left it there, at the Conduit. We left the Mako behind. Bring the Mako. I can't believe we shot a Mako through a mass relay. Bring the Mako. If we're going down that dark hole filled with geth, we should bring the Mako. We shot the Mako through a mass relay."_

_ They'd left the Mako here, on the Citadel side of the Conduit. It was here, abandoned at the foot of the Conduit. It made its way through a mass relay once before, it could do it again. And anywhere was better than here. Here was death. _

_ "I want to go to the Conduit." He stated firmly. The Mako was there. It had medical supplies, and it could make it through the mass relay at the Conduit. But he didn't have long before those were disabled, didn't have long before the Citadel fell. Ever the optimist, he'd given himself room..._

_"Always leave yourself a way out." _

_ Yes, Kaidan. Always leave himself a way out. He wrapped his arm around the Keeper that had been keeping watch over him, and it dragged him along, towards that Mako. Towards that Conduit. Towards that mass relay to Ilos._


	15. Chapter 15

Hackett called these damn things "After Action Reports". Jenna called them "Annoying Reminders of a World Gone Mad." but they were at least something to occupy her mind with. While she wasn't military, and technically, Hackett couldn't make her do a damn thing...she was wiser than that. They'd been under martial law since the Invasion, and that showed no signs of letting up any time soon. People could delude themselves if they really wanted to, but Steven Hackett was in charge of the world. And he was most certainly in charge of Kaidan Alenko...

She studied the omnitool display wrapped around her arm, tapping in her latest report. She'd never had one of these things before, but they were pretty idiot proof, she'd had phones that were more difficult to use. This particular one was Kaidan's, he apparently collected tech like a squirrel gathered nuts... he'd had at least three 'tools tossed in a cabinet, like they were nothing at all.

_"A little obsolete." _He'd muttered, abashed as he'd fitted it. _"But it will fit you well, and get the job done. It's the one I used before I got my current one. Not too much last gen." _

She sighed, she missed Kaidan already. Maybe that was why Hackett had decided he wanted an analytical tactical breakdown of the entirety of the A-9911 footprint from the moment she'd picked up a headset and dived in.

No. That was just a welcome side effect of having her compile this, she could see where it was useful. Relevant. And it was part of history, her children would be taught this in school.

That caused her to pause, considering. She'd always thought of children as something that would happen sometime, in the distant future, when she found the right guy to settle down with. When she found the man she loved and trusted. The one who would put a ring on her finger, and commit to being there for her, for his children... She'd learned how not to do this, and that was nothing she wanted to repeat. She was smarter than that. She owed her children more than that.

But now... things had changed. Things weren't in the unforeseeable future any more, they were standing right in front of her. That was fine, she was ready for them. She smiled, sending the latest report on to _Everest_ tac, and stood, stretching luxuriously. Time to go meet Danielle for lunch, something to get her mind off of the fact that _Normandy_ was gone on a couple of week shakedown tour of the system.

And Danielle was not alone. Jenna slowed slightly, trying to get the measure of the woman sitting with her, enjoying the beautiful weather in the small courtyard behind the Headquarters Hotel. Military, definitely. Even if she was not in uniform, Jenna would have clued into her stance, her bearing, immediately. Older woman, probably a contemporary to Danielle, if not a handful of years her senior...it was difficult to tell.

"Jenna!" Danielle greeted, waving her over. "This is Hannah Shepard, Captain of the _Orizaba_. Kaidan served with her son, they were close."

_Closer than you know. _"Captain Shepard." She greeted, taking the empty seat between them. Yes, there was a definite, strong family resemblance between this woman and her son... Jenna had gotten curious when she had realized just who Kaidan had been with, and had gone looking. And there was a lot of material to look at, John Shepard's death had been a loss to all of them. But all Jenna could do was to help Kaidan live again beyond it.

"Ah, Jenna! Congratulations are indeed in order." And there was not a single syllable in that which fell flat or felt off. "Let's have a look at it."

Jenna chuckled, extending her hand so that the woman could spend an appropriate amount of time inspecting the ring. It was lovely, Jenna adored it. She would have adored anything that Kaidan had given her, of course, as a matter of principle, but this was truly something she loved. "About what I'd expect from Kaidan." The woman smiled, "Classy, yet pretty. Boy has taste." A slight shadow crossed her eyes, and Jenna did her best to not go there. Kaidan believed that Danielle did not know...did his other half's mother not know, as well? "Any idea of when you're going to set the date? I will definitely need to be here for that. Wouldn't miss it for the world."

"No. Apparently the work on the relays has heated up." And what was she doing, telling a ship's captain that? Of course Captain Shepard already knew. She studied the ring silently, although she'd already committed it memory several times over.

"And the _Normandy_ has to be there." Hannah said, completely unsurprised.

"The joys of a military spouse." Danielle added with the same acceptance. "But Hackett's keeping Jenna busy enough."

"Hackett?" That earned Jenna a deeper look, one that dug beyond the expected pleasantries. Now her resemblance to Commander Shepard was even more telling, the narrowed eyes, the stare.

"After action reports on the stuff I did during the resistance. Nothing that important. It's all 'for posterity'."

"I wasn't aware you were involved with the resistance. What did you do?"

"A whole lot of not the hell much." Jenna grinned. "I kept track of where everybody was. And I kept track of where people had a bad tendency of disappearing at. Then I started to tell people where _not_ to go. Then I started to tell people where _to_ go. Basically I sat in a chair, with a map, a radio, and a whole bunch of pushpins. Dreadfully brave and exciting."

"It's work like that which keeps the Systems Alliance going, Jenna. I'm sure that information was invaluable when we arrived to break the line. Knowing where we had people at, and knowing where we didn't... Something that the ground forces really needed to know. And knowing where your people kept disappearing at told us where we needed to go."

"Yes, Admiral Hackett." Jenna joked back. It didn't really matter why Hackett and _Everest_'s tactical officers wanted the reports. They did, and they'd get them. It wasn't as if Jenna had anything better to do with her time, anyway.

,`,`,`,`,``,`,`

Kaidan sat in what he would probably always think of as Shepard's cabin on the_ Normandy_, staring at the desk. The original picture was still there, John's picture of him, in its usual corner. Opposite it, a picture of him and Jenna, taken at the Liberation ball after he'd proposed...she was incandescent, and he just oozed pride.

He smiled thoughtfully, turning to the tank behind him. Once, it had held fish... he'd had it refilled with water, choosing the hypnotic rise of bubbles and the eerie cast of light through it, but again, with mankind on the brink, where was he supposed to come up with fancy fish? He rested his palm against the surface, staring into the depths. This had to be done, for all of them, but it was damn, damn hard. _Normandy_ was a symbol, and she needed to be out here...not languishing in her ground dock berth, but without John, it just felt like a pale imitation. Maybe it was him, maybe he was the pale imitation...

No. He wasn't going to tear himself up because he wasn't John Shepard. He was done with that shit. It was loss and mourning speaking, it wasn't the truth. He had a crew, he had a family, he had duties and responsibilities to rise to. He'd make them all proud.

"Captain to the bridge." Joker called over the ship comm, and Kaidan shrugged it all off. _Normandy_ was at her station here to oversee the first attempts to power up Sol's relay, in hopes of reestablishing their connection with the rest of the galaxy. Hopefully, the others had been doing the same on their end.

"They've entered countdown to restart." Joker noted when he sensed Kaidan come up behind him. "So either we'll all blow up in a massive singularity, making all of our efforts to save the galaxy utterly pointless, or..."

"Absolutely nothing will happen." Kaidan finished for him. Much as he hated it admit it, that was truly what he thought was going to happen here today. A whole lot of nothing.

"Damn straight." Joker's grim voice lightened somewhat. "And it better be that. _Normandy_ has a wedding to plan."

"Yes, that." Kaidan answered, knowing that it was simply a statement to break the stress. Something else to talk about, safe and completely off of the subject. They had so much riding on this...

"Restart in 9, 8, 7..." In spite of his belief that nothing would happen, Kaidan gripped the back of the pilot's chair nervously. What in the hell were they doing? Were they fucking insane?

"6, 5, 4, 3, 2...1."

And nothing happened. The Charon Relay remained unlit, quiescent... a floating derelict. Kaidan took a deep, shuddering breath, relaxing for a split second. He was right, nothing...

A dim blue glow lit the relay, and the rings began to move, sluggishly.

"We have power up. We have power up!"

"Boom!" Joker snorted sarcastically, but Kaidan's eyes were locked on the relay. _It was working. _Well, it _looked_ like it was working. Kaidan wasn't about to jump to any conclusions from what he saw. It was optimistic, but that was it. Joker laughed outright, touching his fingertips to his earbud. "Yeah, no problem, _Everest_. We'll maintain a minimum safe distance, happily so."

"I'm not going through that first." Kaidan groused, folding his arms over his chest and staring. It seemed to be stabilizing, the slow rotation of the rings hitting the correct speed and staying there. The glow was exactly as he remembered it.

"Picking up a signal through the relay, Major... It's one of the Arcturus comm buoys. We have a clear connection." A clear connection to nothing. Kaidan nodded thoughtfully. Arcturus Station was destroyed, no one was left. They'd known that from the beginning, when the Third and Fifth Fleets had turned up at Sol...bringing the news of the loss of Second Fleet and the station itself with them. It had been a valiant stand, a hope to stop the threat away from Earth, but it had not worked.

But for them to be able to pick up the buoy's transmission meant that the relay was operating at some level, they had some connection with Arcturus. It meant that they were no longer completely and totally cut off from the galaxy, that they had a chance of getting this to work again, one step at a time.


	16. Chapter 16

So, now Hackett had her playing video games. Jenna sighed, watching the screen in front of her, occasionally sending furtive glances around the room. She was surrounded by focused, earnest young soldiers, who were apparently taking this a lot more seriously than she was tempted to.

"_Come play tactical exercises with Fifth Fleet, Miss Rolfsmeyer. It'll be good for them to deal with someone who hasn't been through the same schools that they have been, someone who may throw them a few curve balls along the way." _

How many curve balls was she supposed to be able to throw at people who did this for a living, who'd been to those 'schools', who were humanity's best and brightest? She sighed, settling her headset over her hair and taking a deep breath, watching the clock at the lower right hand corner of the monitor count down. It was just a game, just a training exercise. She'd done this for real, held peoples' lives in her hands. This was a cake walk, just a way to spend an afternoon.

The screen set, and Jenna narrowed her eyes, drinking in the first few images she was given, before nodding sharply, placing her fingers on the keyboard and jumping in.

It was difficult at first, Jenna lagging well behind the teams on her screen, trying to figure out an unfamiliar set up, multiple contacts, keeping it all straight, and learning to rely on a tactical computer to keep track of an endless stream of data coming in much too quickly for her to make sense of it on her own. Suddenly, it all clicked. It all made perfect sense, clear as glass, and it became fun. A challenge, something to unleash her often singlemindedly competitive instincts on.

,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,

The plan was to send the barely mobile, shattered hulk of the _Ticonderoga_ through the relay, piloted remotely from the _Everest_'s bridge. She'd been packed with a full scientific sensor suite to monitor her journey through the relay, constantly feeding back data to the _Everest_. If they lost what was basically salvage at this point, they'd be little worse off than they had been earlier.

"_Ticonderoga _approaching the relay." Joker sounded supremely bored, and Kaidan didn't exactly blame him. This was grunt work, slow, methodical, cautious. It was Major By-the-book Alenko sort of work, hardly challenging, especially to a pilot of Joker's caliber. Keeping _Normandy_ at a safe distance was something that just about any member of the flight crew, including Kaidan himself, could have managed with ease.

"3. 2. 1. Aligned with the relay...and..."

The rings sped up, and _Ticonderoga_ launched in a shuddering veil of blue flume. It looked good. It looked right.

"..._Ticonderoga_ away."

So far, so good. Now they waited...

"Contact with _Ticonderoga_...she's at Arcturus. Getting first uploads from her suite... Looks good."

Kaidan nodded, knowing that they'd now sit here for hours while their scientists poured over those uploads. _Months of grinding boredom interspersed with moments of sheer terror. _

"Private message from the _Everest_, to you, Major. All text."

Ordinarily, they'd have a communications tech for that, but they were running on a skeleton crew...the minimum to staff their stations. "I'll take it here." He said, pulling up his omnitool.

"Results, Fifth Fleet tactical exercises. Conditional victory, Fifth Fleet Alpha team/_Everest_ tac, control of maps in 7 hours, 21 minutes..." Why in the hell was he getting stuff like this? It was so far outside of his pay grade and focus to be almost laughable...

"Secondary victory points, irregular civilian oppositional forces, Rolfsmeyer, J. Control of maps for 5 hours, 44 mins. Infliction of medium losses to Alpha teams/ground forces. 7/10 tactical objectives met."

He raised his brows, skimming over the text to the end. "Rolfsmeyer, J. Pass/Strong."

A strong pass, the third highest pass level of any military exercise rating. If she was under his command, he'd be content. Not ecstatic, but secure with her performance, her competence.

"Problem?" Joker asked, glancing up at him.

"Hackett has Jenna playing with _Everest_'s tac teams. Running irregular civilian op for against his Alpha team ground forces."

"Poor kid, why? She'd be like the bait for a pack of fighting varren."

"She pulled a secondary victory and a strong pass out of it. I'd say she did just fine."

"No shit." Joker muttered, "They play for keeps. But rumor says Jenna fought for the resistance, ran tac for them?"

"She handled most of western Canada during the liberation. Civilian, and then supported our ground push when we arrived. So yeah, the rumor is correct." Jenna was more than just a pretty face and a porn star body. "_Fought_ might be a strong term, I don't think she actually saw any action...or any other resistance members, for that matter. But she contributed as tactical support and communications." It was all so very difficult for him to even think of that time. He'd joined to stand in the breach, to protect... and when tragedy had come to his home...he'd been far away. Sometimes it made him feel alone... Shepard had had no real ties to Earth, he'd been raised on the bases and ships that his mother had been stationed at. Joker's home was Tiptree, a remote colony, probably lost to the Reapers. Vega was the only other Normandy officer who had been raised on Earth, and until recently, Kaidan's relationship with him had been stiffly distant.

"More than enough. Held on long enough to give us a chance to get our asses back here. So...who's going to be your best man?"

Oh, God. No. Not this, not already. He'd just gotten his mind around the idea of getting engaged, he needed a break before the next step. "Doctor Chakwas." He said, deadpan, his expression unchanging.

Joker laughed outright, shaking his head. "You make a good straight man, Major. Funnier than people give you credit for."

Yeah, well, sometimes. But then he tended to follow it up with a downer... like now. "I won't have a best man, Joker. There's only one person that honor could belong to, and he's gone. No hard feelings?"

"No hard feelings, man. I hear you. How long you think this is gonna take?"

"Quite awhile. They'll run the data stream on _Ticonderoga_ from this end, a couple of days. Then they'll try to bring her back through. If she survives, they'll go over her with a fine toothed comb. A month, maybe more, before we commit to sending a ship through the relay for real, unless Hackett puts a boot up someone's ass to speed it up." Which was a district possibility, it had taken so long to get them to this point. They had colonies, outlying stations, cut off when the relay network had collapsed. Time was of the essence. And who knew...there could be others much further along the process than they were, taking advantage of the fact that most of their remaining vessels, along with several of their allies' fleets, had been locked into the Sol system for a year now.

"I hope he does. Time we got back out there."

Kaidan stood there, torn. He was always careful with touching men, even in passing, if they were aware of his preferences. The idea that it could be misconstrued, taken the wrong way, always haunted him. "I haven't forgotten, Joker." He finally stated, dropping his hand to Joker's shoulder. EDI had been deemed too precious to undergo a restart under less than optimal surroundings, and Kaidan still considered their situation to be sub-par. Joker had not protested, rather just the opposite... there had been naked relief in his eyes when Kaidan had given the final order forbidding any attempts. Like any other crew member, he'd see that EDI received the best care possible...and that wasn't available here.

"Yeah, Major, I know. I wouldn't want to lose a whole ship, a crew, because I didn't want to wait a little while longer. She wouldn't want it, either."

He tilted his head, listening. "We're being ordered back to Vancouver docks, to be supplied and crewed up."

"Damn." That meant only one thing... they were heading out.

He found Jenna on the tiny balcony, tending their precious few fresh vegetables. Most of the balconies had the same array of buckets, seeds had been pretty easy to come by, and the soil was still good. "Hey, handsome!" She greeted, holding out a brilliantly red tomato. "Just for you!"

"Ah, thanks." He smiled, taking it from her, and taking a big bite out of it. Heaven. It was pure heaven...

"You have that look. That bad news look."

"The Charon Relay is up and running. They're still running tests, but it looks like we're going to be sent through it as soon as the scientists determine it's stable. I'm looking at a tour, probably not a very long one." They had to balance the scales between _Normandy_'s value as a symbol of the Alliance, and the fact that she was the only vessel they had capable of pulling off some of those runs.

"It's part of the package." She sighed, popping a handful of cherry tomatoes into her mouth and shrugging. "Not happy to see you go, of course, but this is what you do. I understand that."

He sighed, wrapping his arms around her and surveying the cityscape from over her shoulder. This had to be done, and he was damned lucky that she accepted that. "I have eighteen years in, Jenna." It was a sobering number of years, half of his life. "Just two more and..." What? He would have fulfilled his career commitment, but the thought of leaving during this disaster seemed selfish... he was needed. This was why he'd joined, to make a _difference_. He couldn't ever make more a difference than here and now. Sure, London had been one of _those_ missions. It would reverberate through history, but it simply the first step in regaining some level of safety and sanity for those around him...for his family. Now that he was going to marry, probably have children, the weight of it all grew heavier, yet more imperative. He couldn't stop now...

"You won't leave in two years, Kaidan, you can't. Don't make me promises you can't keep." Ah, there it was, in full force. That steely strength he'd sensed beneath the freckles, beneath the smile, beneath that wide eyed artlessness she could exude.

"I want to be a better husband than my father was. I want to be a better father..." This should be easier than this, it wasn't as if he had just enlisted. He had the majority of his main commitment behind him, he should be in a better position for this...

She stared at him for a long moment, before pointing unerringly towards downtown Vancouver, clean up going on under a summer haze, cranes rising like leggy marsh birds. "That's the world you have to be a husband and a father in, Kaidan."

"I love you." He breathed. She only gave him a half smile in response, resting her fingertips against the hand he had on her shoulder. The bright sunlight caught across the diamonds in her ring, shining through the pastel stones. Somehow, colored diamonds had seemed fitting for her...pink, lavender, pale blue, light green, yellow and white... unrestrained and unabashedly feminine.

"I love you too, Kaidan. And you're going to give it hell."

"Yes, ma'am, I am."


	17. Chapter 17

For her first few steps out, _Normandy_ was shadowed by a science vessel and a frigate escort...never the first one through the relay, never the one to initiate a relay restart.

_"We finally get out here, and the final frontier was already settled. And the residences don't even seem impressed by the view. Or the dangers." _

Once, very recently, that had been the truth...as Kaidan saw it. But that had all changed, in such a short time. They were all duly impressed by the dangers, and the view was newly spectacular. The edge of uncertainty, of charting the unknown, was back for them...if just for a short time. He was an explorer. But this time he was 'exploring' to a place he'd already been... Ilos. "Restart the relay."

By now, it seemed to be old hat. Each and every one of the relays they'd come through had responded exactly the same way, and this one was no different. "Stable connection, _Normandy_. Good luck, we'll be waiting for you here."

"Understood." There were too many...interesting...things on Ilos to risk approaching it without a decent stealth capability. And part of his job here was to take a long, hard look at those _interesting_ things.

"Whenever you're ready, Joker."

"I was born ready..."

They appeared in the system, intact, with no alarms screaming. "It looks fine." Joker shrugged, "No power signatures, nothing anomalous on... Wait a minute. Somebody got that signal?"

"Working on it, boosting. It's...one of our signals."

"How is that possible?" Kaidan mused, moving over to a station and watching the data and telemetry of the signal clear up. "What have we got?" He knew what he would call it, but he was not a sensor tech. It certainly looked to him like it was a...

"Mako. Matching id..." There was silence from the sensor operator, and he glanced at her expectantly. She was brand spanking shiny new, and he couldn't read her responses like he could the crew he was used to. "Mako, SSV _Normandy_. SR-1."

"That's impossible. It's on Alchera, at the crash site. I've seen the footage. It's there." Somebody was fucking with them, and he felt confusion and anger settle into his gut. Who? How? Why? It was too elaborate a ruse on the tiny off hand chance that _Normandy_ would return to Ilos...

"Wrong Mako, sir. This was the SR-1's original Mako, her first assigned one. Database has it as abandoned on the Citadel, somehow, but that's the signal..."

"The Mako you guys shot through the Conduit relay?" Joker laughed, shaking his head. "Where'd you guys leave it?"

Kaidan rubbed his chin in thought. "At the foot of the Citadel side of the relay. The landing was a little...uncontrolled. We didn't have the time to get it righted, we had leave it." It had been a very small detail, lost in a whole lot of very big concepts that day. "It was heavily damaged." Of that, he was certain. It could have probably been righted, if they'd had a few minutes, but they hadn't. And even if they had...it wasn't going very far, or very fast...

"Any chance it fell back into the relay? The Citadel was put through a lot..." Joker mused, obviously running through the possibilities in his mind, and his first one was pretty decent. Not perfect by any means, but at least it had a thread of logic running through it. It was some sort of an explanation, however farfetched.

"It's possible. But I still don't like it."

"So we take a look at it. Send Vega and the Kodiak..."

"It stinks of trap." Hackett had been very clear, Kaidan was not supposed to leave the _Normandy_, and the idea of sending a ground team in, but staying safe and cozy on the bridge just made his stomach curdle.

"Yeah. So you tell him it's a trap. And send him anyway. It's his job description."

And he hated having the pilot tell him what was his job description, but Joker was right. It was an anomaly. A very personal anomaly. "Ground team to the shuttle bay." He stated firmly into the ship's comm, resigning himself to this.

"What's the mission, jefe?" Vega sounded enthusiastic, he'd been left cooling his heels for too damn long. Any excuse would do.

"We're picking up a signal that appears to originate from _Normandy_'s first Mako. It shouldn't be here, it's suspicious at best."

"The flying Mako? That thing is legendary!"

"Now I think it might be a legendary trap, Vega. But I still need you to check it out."

"Aye, aye, el Capitán. You want a piece...as a souvenir?"

"No, no. I have enough memories of the flying Mako to last a lifetime." He settled into the co-pilot's seat next to Joker, listening to the cross chatter. His mind provided the visuals, a densely overgrown ruin, blanketed in vegetation. The tunnels, the aqueduct, the rows of dead stasis pods, the approach to the Conduit... And suddenly, there was silence.

"Vega?"

"We're...good, jefe. Good." Vega sounded strangled, his voice shook. "Believe me, Major. We. Are. Good. And I'll be back in touch in a few minutes."

The connection simply cut off, dropped on Vega's end. "What the hell?" He breathed, glancing at Joker. "They've gone offline, off the air." That was simply not done. Ever. It was one of the first things trained into new recruits...talk and keep talking. "Did we lose the signal?"

"Negative, sir. They've cut their transmissions, gone silent."

It was one of the longest half hours of Kaidan's life, waiting. Finally the connection was reestablished, "Vega, what the hell!"

"We are declaring a medical emergency,_ Normandy_, and returning with all haste."

"Wait one goddamned moment." Kaidan hissed, "You do not vanish off of the air and then try to pull a fast one...medical emergency, all haste, on me. I didn't fall off of the turnip transport yesterday."

He could see Chakwas linked suddenly into the conversation, knew that the keywords 'medical emergency' had tied it straight into the medical bay.

"Agreed, Major." Her voice was calm, as always. "That's the oldest trick in the book to take a ship."

"Major. Doctor. We have Shepard. Do you copy? We have Shepard, and we are on our way in. Take whatever steps you feel necessary, but I am not waiting here with him."

_What? It couldn't be. It really couldn't be. Not again. _

"I...copy, Vega." It was the first time that Kaidan had ever heard Chakwas unnerved, but at least she was speaking. He'd lost the ability to, himself. All he could do was sit there, stunned, unbelieving. It was all some terrible trap, some horrible lie.

"I don't believe it." He finally managed to get syllables out, and Joker stared at him, pale, his eyes wild. "I don't."

"I don't know what to say, Major."

That was good, because neither did Kaidan. "I..."

"Need to go to the shuttle bay."

Of course. He needed to go to the shuttle bay. After he got his hard-suit on, because there was still that awful chance that this was that legendary trap.

He could gear up in his sleep, was pretty sure that he had at least a few times in his life, and after he was done, he moved to the shuttle bay elevator, standing next to a silent Chakwas as the Kodiak came in for one of the most insane landings that he had ever seen. The ground crew boiled out, manhandling a stretcher.

_It can't be. _

Chakwas exploded into a run, headed for the stretcher as Kaidan covered her, still waiting for the other shoe to fall.

_It can't be. _

"What are his vitals? What have you done to him already? What have you given him?" Her questions came like automatic gunfire, without pause, and Kaidan cautiously moved closer.

_It can't be. _

Vega was answering as quickly as she asked, not bothering to stop when she changed questions, just regurgitating information.

"Major, I need your help." Chakwas spat out, and he finally got the nerve to close the distance and take his first unobstructed look.

_It is. _

He'd know that face anywhere. Gaunt, gray, haggard, it didn't matter. That was John Shepard, back on the _Normandy_, where he belonged.

.`.`.`.`.``.`.`

Jenna paused at the knock on the door, wiping her hands on a kitchen towel. Who would knock? She moved to it, peeking out, and bit her lower lip. Hackett. Here. Alone. She had nightmares that started like this... She opened the door, gazing at him warily. Surely not. It was just her imagination... his expression was inscrutable, as always, but there was something in the way he carried himself. She smelled dread, and felt suddenly, desperately ill.

"Kaidan?" She whispered, and he laughed slightly, shaking his head.

"Major Alenko is fine, fine. That's not why I'm here. You're alone?"

"Ah..." If it wasn't that, would could it be? Why would he be concerned about someone else being here? "Yes. Mrs. Alenko is out for awhile." It seemed almost like a foolish idea to admit that, but...

"I..." It was the first time she'd seem even remotely at a loss for words, but he was choosing each and every one very, very carefully. "I felt you deserved to hear this from me, personally, before it gets out. Were you aware of the relationship that Major Alenko and Commander Shepard shared?"

Oh, God. That was about to blow wide open. The press was going to run with it...and they'd be asking her. It was going to be a nightmare. Danielle would find out. "Yes, I knew they were lovers. Had been for years. His loss hit Kaidan hard, very hard."

"Hmmmm." He was uncomfortable, restless, agitated. "I just received word from the _Normandy_. She's coming home as quickly as her engines will bring her. I don't know how to tell you this, exactly, but... they've recovered Commander Shepard, alive."

"What?" She couldn't have heard that correctly. Her mind had to be playing tricks on her. It...couldn't be. "I..." She what, exactly? Didn't understand? Couldn't believe it? Didn't _want_ to believe it? "...See." She settled on it lamely, uncertainly. What was there to say... Damn, the man who saved the galaxy isn't dead after all...fuck my life?

_Too fucking good to be true, the whole thing. _She'd been a fool. A grade A blithering idiot. "Thank you, Admiral." She managed out of numb lips.

"I know this has got to be difficult for you, but I am certain that you and Major Alenko can figure this out when he returns."

_Oh, please, please, __please__ stop talking and go away. Now. _

"I have to go make the announcement, Miss Rolfsmeyer." Honest regret crossed his features, "I'd like to see you in a couple of days. There were some things I wanted to discuss with you. Call my adjutant. Make an appointment."

She nodded, or at least thought she did. Everything was closing in her, she felt sick, lightheaded, short of breath, trapped. He looked completely and totally unconvinced, but he finally turned and left, closing the door behind him.

_John was back. _

It was all over, just like that. Everything crashed, hopes, dreams...no, they'd become honest expectations.

_I can't stay here. _

Nothing here was hers, it all came, either directly, or indirectly, from Kaidan. His mother. His apartment. She wasn't going to put him in the position of having to end it with her, hearing that was nothing she could stand. It was best just to leave, and spare them both, but she had to move quickly.

She packed her clothes on top of the powered down omnitool... _just in case she needed to contact him. _She couldn't think of any emergency bad enough at this point, unless she turned up pregnant, but she didn't want to leave it behind. That was pretty much everything that she owned, except for the ring. She slid it off of her finger, resting it on the chest of drawers, staring at it.

"What the hell do you think he's going to do...give it to his _boy_friend?" She mocked herself, snatching it up and replacing it where it belonged. It was hers. She loved it, she was damn well going to _keep_ it. And she couldn't visualize John Shepard wearing a rainbow diamond ring, no matter how hard she tried. She also took one of his unsecured pistols, again, _just in case. _

Kaidan was smart enough to put things together on his own, but his mother deserved a note, at least. It was a weak attempt, unable to explain why, it just came off as flighty and vague, but it was the best that Jenna could manage. She dropped it on Danielle's bed and ran down the back stairs, moving quickly away. She needed to be well clear of here before she couldn't hold it in any longer...


	18. Chapter 18

Kaidan couldn't remember the last time he'd slept. He was certain that every single mass relay between Ilos and Earth was operating correctly, because they'd chain jumped through all of them, rushing Shepard home to the same hospital that had cared for him. It was almost silent now, all he could hear was Hannah Shepard's voice from John's room, soft and incessantly flowing. They'd brought her only child home. They'd brought Commander Shepard back. And somehow, he was going to have to tell Jenna...make her understand...

Make her understand what? He'd never felt so torn in his life. He loved John, and that hadn't changed. But he loved Jenna, in a completely and totally different way. They both held equal sway in his life, but Jenna was the one he had committed to. "Oh, my God." He breathed, hiding his face in his hands.

"Rough couple of days." Chakwas noted softly, and he sighed, pulling on his own hair. The pain was good, it helped wake him up...

"I...don't know what I'm going to do now." It sounded pathetic. He should be ecstatic. Overjoyed, relieved. But he simply felt overwhelmed. "Jenna. John. It got so complicated in just a moment. I should have waited. I should have been more careful with Jenna, more cautious."

She sat next to him, studying a dead video screen intently. "Major. Every single one of us supported your relationship with Jenna. Hackett. Me. Your mother. Shepard's mother. The crew. We all believed as you did, that it was healthy, timely and what you needed. We all believed that Shepard was dead. We celebrated _with_ you, we celebrated _for_ you. No one saw this one coming."

Nice. Everybody else had been blindsided as well. "I love John. I feel sick that I don't feel more grateful. What in the hell is _wrong_ with me?"

"You're exhausted. You're stunned. You're in shock. Go home to Jenna, Major. Get some sleep. Try to explain it to her when it makes more sense to you... Shepard's not going anywhere."

"But Jenna _has_." His mother stood in the doorway to the main hallway, her arms crossed over her chest. "Left me a note, took her clothing. She's gone, Kai."

"What?" No, he only _thought_ things had been too much to handle. Now he _knew_ they were. "What do you mean, Jenna's _gone_?"

"Gone. Left." She put the tips of her thumbs together and waved her fingers. "All I get out of the note she left is that whatever happened, she can't, or won't, say."

He stared at his own forearms, entranced by the sullen, flowing tendrils of power coalescing there. "Who told her?" He hissed, locking his teeth. She should have heard this from him. He should have been there. He could have helped, kept her from going...at least until she heard him out.

"Told her what? I have no clue what set her off in the first place. Kaidan, please...if you understand this, let me know. I... need to know why. I let myself think of her as a daughter, a friend... I deserve to know what happened."

_It can't get any worse. _

"We brought Commander Shepard home."

"I know that. It's wonderful news, I would have thought you'd be happy. That everybody would be happy. But everybody I've gone through to find where you went looks..._un_happy. Concerned."

He stood, moving to stare out of the window, not bothering to try to dispel the aura clinging to him. "This isn't an easy thing to tell you." He admitted, although it certainly felt easy enough. He was too numbed to hurt anymore. "But... John and I were lovers. We were a couple. For a long time."

Her jaw loosened and she stared at him, eyes wide. "Jenna...knew?"

"Yes, Jenna knew from the beginning. It just didn't seem to matter to her." She'd been willing to accept that. To accept all of his other problems in stride, until this.

"So _call_ her, Kai." Apparently that was one subject she was going to let go, for the moment. "Vancouver is no place for her to be alone in."

True. He pulled up his omnitool, took a deep breath, and tried to contact hers. Nothing...it was powered off. "She's not answering. The 'tool is powered down."

"So?"

"I can't track it." No, he'd had to be the tech genius and cripple all of the tracking on his 'tools, telling himself that it was for security reasons... Tracking Alenko had been the same thing as tracking Shepard then. And he'd never bothered to re-enable that feature on the one he'd given Jenna.

"Until she turns the back up power on again, it's gone."

Where could she have gone? As his mother pointed out, Vancouver, outside of the Naval base, was no place for her to be, alone. "Damnit." He sighed, tapping in another contact. He hated to do it, but it was the most expedient way to try to locate her, and he didn't want to waste precious time.

"Hackett, Major. What can I do for you?"

"I'm looking for Jenna, we think there's a strong possibility that she's bolted. Can I ask when was the last time you saw her? I know she's been doing some work for you..."

There was a long, deep silence, finally punctuated by Hackett's grinding sigh. "Damnit." He muttered under his breath. "I saw her early yesterday afternoon. We held off on the announcement that Shepard had been recovered until I could tell Captain Shepard and her, personally. I felt she deserved it from me, rather than hearing it off of the news feeds. I will flag her security clearance and id, carefully. We'll locate her, Major. Any ideas where she might have bolted to? Back to where you found her at?"

"It's a place to start, but I don't think she went there. It's a hell of a long way without a shuttle." Five hundred kilometers, out into the middle of nowhere. "I'm guessing she headed for Kamloops, if she's left Vancouver." Almost as far, but Kamloops was a city, there were ways to get there now. "It's her hometown. She may have family there. Friends."

"Understood." Hackett cut the call without so much as a goodbye, leaving Kaidan staring in bleary pain at the glow of the omnitool fighting with the glow of his agitated biotics. He was getting a headache, he could sense the oncoming aura...the fuzzy glitter in his vision, the odd numbness in his fingertips. This was going to be a monster.

"Hell." He growled, rubbing at his temples. "Doctor..."

"Yes, I was waiting for that, Major. Come with me."

.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.

It had been amazingly easy to leave Vancouver, once she'd stopped crying. She knew she looked despondent, desperate...which meant she fit into the refugee camp perfectly. A fake name that she'd respond to, and a firm destination in mind, all got her seat on a refugee transport headed north for Kamloops and a set of 'identification' much less legitimate looking than the set that Hackett's office had produced for her, under her real name. Jenna Rolfsmeyer had gone into hiatus, replaced by Jennifer Allen.

She knew better than to check the database, given this sort of opportunity, everyone she knew would have expunged their records...just as she had just done, but for entirely different reasons. She was running from Kaidan. They would be running from illegal pasts, things that would cause a martial law based interim government to watch them more closely than they'd prefer to be watched. She doubted if they'd use it for good... the idea that this could be a turning point would never occur to any of them. But they'd put her up, for at least a little while, if they were still alive. And that was one of the few things she had any sort of 'faith' in... they'd found rocks to hide under when shit had gotten deep.

_Just as you did, Miss Perfection. _

True enough, true enough. She shouldered her pack and started the journey to... Well, she couldn't call it home. Home was the Okanagan Valley orchard. Or even the Vancouver apartment...the places she'd felt safe in, loved in, where she had belonged. This was just a place, one that she would have to watch her back in.

_Temporary, Jenna. Just temporary. _

And that was the same lie she'd told herself when she was eighteen.

.`.`.`.`.``.`.`

Consciousness came slowly, and its return always came to the soundtrack of a hospital; beeps, wheezes, faraway voices. John fought his eyes open, staring up at the exact white and dark speckled pressed particleboard ceiling he was expecting. Nothing shocking there.

He let his head fall to the left, towards the interior of the room. He was not alone, there was another hospital bed, a man reclined in it. _Kaidan. _

"He's sedated. You won't get much out of him."

"Morning, Doc." She stood in the small space between his bed and the wall, studying a running strip being fed out of the machine in that corner. "Migraine, or is he hurt?" He couldn't seem to remember what he'd gone to get himself...or apparently, both of them...in a hospital. He remembered blood, Anderson's voice...

"Worst intractable migraine I've ever seen him have. We're on day four."

"Shit. Okay, what did I do now?" Somehow, that was his fault. It usually tended to be, and he was more than willing to accept the blame. "And where am I?" He was an old hand at identifying hospitals, but this was a new one.

"Vancouver Naval Hospital. You've been dead again."

That should never be a serious statement, but he knew that it was. And it explained a lot of why Kaidan was lying sedated in the bed next to him. "How long have I been gone _this_ time?"

"A little over a year." Well, at least that was only half as long as the last time... things were looking up. He was going in the right direction.

"My mom?"

"Is dutifully relieved to have you back. Now that you're awake, I predict outrage and lectures."

Of course. "I don't really remember what happened this time. Fuzzy."

"London? Ending the Reaper threat? The Liberation of Earth?"

_Liberation of Earth. _"Where did you say I was, again?" If he was in Vancouver, the real Vancouver, then it had been successful...

"Vancouver Naval Hospital. Vancouver. British Columbia. Congratulations, Commander Shepard. You saved the galaxy. I would suggest going to Disneyland...but."

"Kaidan was badly injured." Now that he had points to jog his memory with, part of it was willing to come back. He remembered Kaidan, splashed with his own blood...like masses of red freckles across his face, rivulets following the canals of the joints of his hardsuit. _"Don't leave me behind, again." _

Well, he had. And he'd do it again.

"He was. He's had time to recover. He is, with the exception of the massive migraine he's currently experiencing, fit for duty. You are not."

"Clubbing? Stress? Forgot to eat?"

She snorted in laughter, moving over to check on Kaidan. "There is no clubbing here, Shepard. We're firmly post war clean up, rations, ruins, martial law. I know that Major Alenko did..." She frowned, dropping her head. "Attend a lot of the Fifth Fleet dances, but those are pretty sedate affairs. It's stress, mostly. And I'd bet he did skip some meals. We'll go easy on him."

She was being evasive, and he stared at her back measuringly. "No." She stated as if he'd spoken aloud. "I will not."

"He's my..."

"All the more a reason to keep his confidences, Shepard. And if I think you're trying to bull over the top of him, I'll move him to another room. I put him here because it was easier for me to care for both of you...not for your convenience."

"John!"

"Hey, mom."

"'Hey, mom.'" She moved past Kaidan and Chakwas, sitting on the stool next to his bed with a dramatic sigh. "John. You have got to stop doing this to us."

"Saving the world?"

"Breaking our hearts." She glanced sideways at Kaidan, meeting eyes with Chakwas. Something was going on there... At least this time he woke up in an Alliance naval hospital, no repeat of waking up owing Cerberus for his life, no more fuel for a Kaidan explosion.

"Let me guess. He and the doctor from the Citadel..."

Oh, and he'd really close to the mark with that one. "No." Chakwas managed to speak first. "Leave it alone, Shepard. I promise you, I _will_ move him."

Kaidan woke up, sluggish and queasy. Worst hangover...ever. His surroundings were quiet. Dim. Cool. Calm. He put his hand over his eyes...feeling resistance as he did so, and opened his eyes to a lovely view of an IV port in his hand. No hangover...

He was in a hospital bed, next to another hospital bed. The other one was in the side of the room next to the window, brightly lit. His was curtained off, protecting him from that burning, aching light. "Ah, signs of life. Good evening, Major." He recognized that voice. It was the voice that Chakwas used on him every time he was coming out from a doozy of a migraine, soft, barely enunciated.

"Ow."

"Probably. Had me worried there for awhile. Worried enough to do brain scans on you."

"I'm..." Not fine. "How long has it been?"

"Five days. I took pity on you on day two and put you under for the duration. Woke you up again on day three, but you still had it."

Five _days_? "Jenna?" By now, they must have found her. By now, he could have that conversation with her, try to make sense, to make amends. To _fix_ this... "John?"

"Shepard is fine. He's been awake. He's eaten, talked to his mother, complained about the video programming, and demanded to be released, all within three hours of regaining consciousness. He has never been my favorite patient...he lacks patience."

"And Jenna?"

Her shoulders dropped. "I don't know, Kaidan. We believe she's in Kamloops, somewhere. She doesn't blend in well, a refugee transport driver positively identified her as having been on his run to Kamloops, the evening she left. The pre war database is damaged, and we have no recent entries for any Rolfsmeyers in Kamloops, or in BC at all. We may just have to wait for her to either surface on her own, or make a mistake."

"I don't want John to know."

"He's going to find out, Major. You know it. I know it. Someone will drop the ball. I've kept it to myself, as has his mother, but it's Shepard. He'll get someone to talk."

"I don't want him to feel guilty."

"Not a reaction he's really known for, Major. You're the guilty one. He's the bullheaded, stubborn one... Commander 'results oriented' Shepard."

"He can't fix this."

"He'll try."

Kaidan sighed, cautiously sitting up. She was correct, he would try, because John _fixed_ things. But Jenna was not something he wanted John to try to fix. That felt like a disaster. She wasn't a Reaper invasion. She wasn't a Batarian slaver. She wasn't N training. She was simply Jenna.

"What now?" He asked blearily, "And can I get some coffee?" He didn't care what time it was, the caffeine always helped at this point.

"Hackett wants you back with the _Normandy_ as soon as I pass you. Still wants you up there, and I think he wants to put the breaks on the press finding out that Jenna has gone."

He couldn't even lose his fiancee in peace. He'd given them everything, and they wouldn't step back for him to mourn her loss. No, it was too soon to consider her gone. She hadn't pulled a Shepard...she was alive, he just had to find her. Hard to do from the bridge of the _Normandy_...

"Hackett will find her, Major. And he's looking hard."

.`.`.``.`.`.`.`.

It took Jenna awhile to move through the ruins of Kamloops, doing her best to ignore the patrols. She'd done nothing wrong. Perhaps she'd done chickenshit coward, but that shouldn't make her avoid authorities. "Hey."

"What..." She glanced at the man who had hailed her from the armored vehicle he sat on. She'd been an officer's fiancee for long enough, dealt with enough soldiers to pick up the basics. "Is it, Lieutenant?" He was the same rank as Vega...

He raised a brow at that, and she wanted to kick herself for standing out.

"It's getting dark. Where are you trying to get to?"

"East side. I got in today, my family's home is that way..." She waved in the correct general direction.

"Hop in. We'll give you a lift."

"Uhh..." There would be hell to pay if she turned up like this.

"That, or I take you in." But less hell to pay if that happened. Vancouver had had a curfew, obviously Kamloops did as well, and it wouldn't take them long to realize things didn't add up with her stories. Worse than having Kaidan catch up with her? Getting him into trouble.

_Kaidan is __not__ looking for you. He has John back. _

Probably, but she still didn't want to get him into trouble. "Thanks." She muttered, giving him directions. "Here."

It was intact, well, as intact as it had been before the Reapers came. It still managed to breathe its own certain flavor of squalor in spite of the end of the world. It was funny how things just didn't change...no matter what.

There was a man on the leaning porch, and for one horrible moment, Jenna thought that the property had been claimed by others. She could not recognize him, this was a stranger...

"Jenn? It's...really you! Oh, my God. You're back."

"Mitch?"


	19. Chapter 19

John knew that people were hiding things from him. Chakwas bluntly refused to talk about it, always claiming to be keeping Kaidan's secrets...since when had Kaidan had any of those _to_ keep? They tried to keep the video feed off, or on recorded movies. His mother wore an oddly unhappy weight, there was some sort of grief there that he just didn't understand. But it was real. It was all very real. And they had whisked Kaidan away before he'd had the chance to see him, sent him and John's ship out of his reach.

"Enough, Mom. Tell me what the fuck is going on with Kaidan. Everybody jumps out of their skin when I ask, and then they change the subject." He'd played their game long enough. He needed answers.

She sighed, shaking her head, staring out of his window. "John, please."

"No. Look, Kaidan is very important to me."

"I know."

"Not letting you get out of this." He stated when the pause grew long, and she chuckled.

"No, you never do. Fine. Fine. I'll be the evil traitor who finally tells you what they don't want you to know. You know you fucked Kaidan up, again? He'd lost you again, and it broke him. He recovered, physically, but he was dead inside. Watching him was torture, John. Knowing that you loved him, and that he'd given up... was almost as difficult on me as thinking I'd lost you again. Then he concocted this harebrained story that he was going to look for his father. Alone. I knew I'd never see him again, John."

"But."

"But I did. He turned up again a few days later, and it was like someone had flipped a switch in him. He was still sad, but he was _alive_ again. Her name is Jenna."

Oh. That's why they hid it from him...Kaidan really had become involved with someone else this time. For real. It was like a gut punch, brutal yet truthful. The amazingly loyal Kaidan Alenko, the man who had mourned for two years the last time... had found another. He didn't know what to make of it.

"It was wonderful. He was so happy."

Was. Past tense. But he couldn't stop her now that he'd finally gotten her to tell him the truth. He needed to know, he'd never been the type to let things just lie. He cornered things, dogged things mercilessly. "He proposed to her in front of the whole Fifth Fleet. We were all ecstatic. I swear I even saw Hackett crack a smile, it was so precious. They talked about having children. She got along famously with his Mom, Vega, Joker... It was as if this woman was custom made to make Kaidan get over you."

"And?"

"She vanished a week ago, less than an hour after Hackett informed her that they'd recovered you alive. Left Kaidan's mom a note about things not going to work out...left him nothing."

"Kaidan's fiancee..." That was a phrase he needed to think about, consider fully, " Left him because of me?" That fanned outrage in his soul. If she'd made Kaidan happy, if she'd accepted his proposal, then she had a responsibility to stick around. The only way that this was guaranteed to fail was if she wasn't around at all. She could scream. Yell. Throw things. Claw, bite, scratch. Those could be dealt with. But this couldn't ever work.

"This is why we didn't want you to know, John."

"Why would she leave?" He didn't know the woman... had she been horrified to find out that Kaidan was bisexual? Just looking for an excuse to get out? Had Kaidan overestimated her feelings? He could do that occasionally, he could be very intense when he was attracted to someone.

"Jenna knew that Kaidan loves you very deeply. She knew he was contemplating suicide, mourning you. She knew you'd been together for years. We think she's gotten out of your way, 'spared' herself, Kaidan, everybody, the 'necessity' of a breakup. Gone to lick her wounds in private, without making a scene."

"Exit, stage rear?"

"Exactly. We'll find her, John. She has people here who love her, even if she doesn't work out with Kaidan. She's more than just his girlfriend. I worry about her. Kaidan's mom is tearing her hair out. She's a great person, I think she just got scared. She's proud. She's smart...which may have been part of her undoing in this one."

He gave her a puzzled look, and she chuckled. "Jenna Rolfsmeyer is, in her own mind, a perfectly normal civilian who has been involved in a fairy tale romance, moving fast, with an older, famous war hero. Suddenly, his even more famous war hero lover reappears, the man who saved the galaxy. It's a lot to try to compete with, John. If she was stupid, she might have been a little more ignorant of what she was going up against. Told herself that her beautiful hair, pretty face and mind blowing breasts could keep Kaidan."

"Mind...blowing...breasts?" He'd never really given much thought to what would be the perfect woman for Kaidan. He had some fuzzy visual of a rather intellectual woman, modestly dressed, slender, even slightly boyish...

"Yes, John. You heard me. Jenna is...quite attractive. Joker has made the statement that they could use her as the _Normandy_'s mop. Walk her through it, and Vega's tongue would clean the decks. But Hackett wants her back, and since we're still under martial law, he has the pull to get it done. She'll make a mistake sometime. She _has_ to."

.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`

It took Jenna less than two hours to feel hopeless again, clinging to her backpack and wishing she was home. Nothing changed. Nothing at all. Well, not entirely true...her sister was together with her ex-boyfriend, and that same sister was staring lethal, venomous daggers at Jenna. _I don't want him. I really, really, __really__ do not want him! Trust me!_

No, even now, she was not that desperate. Even now, she had better choices. Vega would be a hundred, thousand times better.

"Nice ring." Julie's voice dripped sarcasm, and it was all that Jenna could do to not bury her face in the backpack. "Fake?"

"Of course." Jenna lied quickly, she lied easily. It was amazing how fast it came back to her. All she knew was that she didn't want Julie to have a clue about how important that ring was to her, how irreplaceable it was. She slid it off, holding it out. "See. CZ."

"Right. It's tacky. Where have you been?"

"Julie. Enough." Jenna's mother had been silent, staring, measuring, always a dangerous thing. "You and Mitch go on. I want to talk to Jenna, alone."

"Sure." Even that agreement wasn't one, and Julie moved through the crowded, cluttered room... a strangely deflated Mitch following her. Jenna watched him openly, and could not help but compare him to what she had just lost. Mitch had always been on just the beefy side of heavy, a big young man. He'd always drank, he'd always eaten, and he'd always worked a physically laborious job. Without the alcohol, without the food, without the job...he'd just sort of shrank within his own skin. He'd lost weight, and it looked awful on him. Kaidan was thinner than he should be, but it still looked good, chiseled, and lean. And that visual was torture.

"Jenna. We thought you were dead."

"If you'd have registered, you would have known I wasn't." Jenna had appeared on the survivor database the first day she'd been in Vancouver, months ago. She'd been the only family member on it then.

"Not going to tell the military shit like that. I haven't seen a cop since before... but this, this is something altogether different. Martial law. It's ugly, Jenna. Where have you been?"

"I started off in the Okanagan, staying in one of those fancy vacation homes. Then I went to Vancouver when I ran out of food."

"But you left, to come back here. You..." she reached out, cupping Jenna's cheeks in her hands. "Ran again. Always running. What was his name?"

Jenna had always hated this, the woman's ability to strip her bare. It left her simmering and glaring, petulant and angry, just like she was a child again. It was worse now, she'd had a fleeting glimpse of a better mother-daughter relationship... "What difference does it make?"

"Ah. So it is a man. Thought so. That's one of the few things you run from...that, and skating."

"Mitch _hit_ me. I _left_ him, but I _ran_ from you!" Well, file that one squarely under 'Said and can't be taken back'. "You should have been there for me."

"I was, Jenna. You were just too damn stupid, too damn stubborn, to see it. The man made one mistake. One. In eight years. He shouldn't have hit you, but _damn_, girl."

"Julie can have him."

"He wants _you_...that's why she's after you. But... what are your plans, now that you've run again? Things are worse than they've ever been, you're going to have to work something out."

And Vega was looking like a better option every second. It would be awkward, but this was as well. It would put her back in close proximity to Kaidan, but nothing was perfect. Oh, who was she fooling, that would be a disaster of ultimate proportions. She liked Vega, but not in that way. And it would more than awkward, it would be tragic.

"Get a job. Find a place. There have got to be tons of abandoned places...Kamloops wasn't hit nearly as hard as Vancouver was. I'm sure I can get one." Jenna wasn't going to make things worse than they already were.

"You're registered, you said. You're right, they'll probably give you a place. Always one for following the rules." She chuckled. "Never trouble. I'll give you some advice, then. Stay away from your sister. I don't know what, but she's up to no good. She'll drag you down with her, sure as the sun rises. It's good to have you back, Jenna. And I mean it."

.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`

Back on _Normandy_. Kaidan stared ahead, his face impassive, his mind an eddying blur of concerns. Jenna missing, John in the hospital, his mother a wreck, and here he was, trying to recontact allies, to bring his non human crew members home, hopefully playing diplomat. It was valid, but his heart just wasn't in it. But it was his mission, and he'd do his best.

_Damnit, Jenna. _He wanted to see her. He wanted to yell, scream, explode...rage at her for putting him through this. And he wanted to just wrap her up in his arms and tell her everything was going to be okay.

He missed John, he missed Jenna. He just...missed.

"I can't believe we're out here like this." Joker grumbled. "It's bullshit."

"This is what is going to get EDI restarted." Kaidan sniped back, his temper much shorter than normal. If anybody should be bitching, moaning, it should be him. What did Joker have to complain about? He was flying _Normandy_. They were reconnecting, making the first steps to give him back his partner in crime. He should be happy, content, not pushing Kaidan's buttons. Or was this that Shepard was back, and he wasn't willing to follow Kaidan's command anymore? "Sorry, Joker. I'm just...not myself."

"And that's why this is bullshit."

"Insert rousing speech about responsibility, resolve and duty here." Kaidan replied, resting his forehead in his hand, closing his eyes. No, he was _not_ going to get another headache.

"Insert outraged and insubordinate rant about how much responsibility, resolve and duty we've already exhibited by saving the galaxy here."

"Duly noted."

.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.

It had been one of the worst couple of weeks in Jenna's life, but somehow, she just couldn't seem to gather enough enthusiasm to go do anything about it. It was easy to just let it flow over her, to wallow, to argue, to just give up. There was something about this place, these people, that just seemed to engender lassitude.

She was more than half asleep when the first scream sounded through the house. She sat bolt upright, and was suddenly blinded when the light came on. "Freeze."

Freeze? What...the...hell? There was a form standing over her, weapon leveled firmly at her. _Hardsuited marine. With assault rifle. _

"Hands where I can see them."

Surely not. Even if people were mad at her, this was overkill. She cautiously produced her hands from under the sheet, slowly placing them on top of her head. "Up." He ordered, and she managed to stand, her hands still on her head. He snapped a cuff to her right wrist, pulling it down, and snapping the left to it, before moving her into the living room...to join the party gathering there.

This was not happening. She'd done nothing wrong. It was just a huge mistake. She could see into her bedroom from her vantage point, the same room she'd grown up in, see one of the soldiers pick up her backpack and bring it in... dumping its contents on the couch... the pistol landing with a firm clunk against the omnitool.

"Well. Well. Well. What do we have here?" The soldier demanded, picking up the pistol cautiously. "Somebody has very, very expensive tastes indeed. In weapons, and in tech." He picked her temporary id, glancing at it, before picking up her actual id. "And varied tastes in _names_ as well."

_"Fuck." _Mitch whispered, his pale eyes meeting Jenna's, stunned, betrayed.

"We found it, sir."

"Alright. Take them to the brig."

It was a short, silent trip... Jenna glaring at a fixed point on the transport's side. This wasn't her doing, she was certain of that. If they had been looking for _her_, they would have realized that they had _her_. They would have understood why she had the omnitool, everyone at Vancouver had just assumed that she had one.

She was given a lovely pair of orange scrub pants...a relief because she'd been sleeping in a t-shirt and undies, and nothing else, and put in a holding cell with her mother and Julie.

"Oh, boy." Julie chuckled, leaning against the wall, her arms crossed over her chest, staring at the ceiling. "Princess Perfection took quite a tumble from her throne, didn't she?"

"Give it a rest." Jenna growled. There was going to be hell to pay for this one. "They weren't looking for me."

"Ah, but they _found _you. And your gun. And your whatever the hell that gadget was. And...did I hear right...your fake id? Why, why, why would sweet little Jenna need fake id?"

Jenna sighed, sitting on the cot and wrapping her arms around her knees, doing her best to ignore it all. Maybe it was all just a dream that she'd wake up from...

.`.``.``..`.`.`.`.`

John was bored to death. To sit and do nothing was one of the worst punishments ever inflicted on him. He'd escaped the hospital only to enter the hell of apartment incarceration. He'd exchanged Chakwas for his mother. Everything still hurt. Everything itched. He was restless, hungry...

His omnitool beeped, and he checked the message...his eyes narrowing. He replied immediately, stopping the message in its tracks, then stood up...stiffly getting dressed.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" His mother demanded, half amused, yet completely unwavering in her resolve.

"Remember you said that Kaidan's fiancee had to make a mistake some time?"

She tilted her head... "Yes...?"

"She has. She's being held at the Kamloops brig. I'm going to go get her."

"Hackett will..."

"No. Hackett won't. I just killed any further messages from Kamloops regarding her. I need to talk to this woman, in person. Face to face."

"John, if you mess this up..."

"Kaidan will hate me. I get it."

.`.`.`.`.``.

Funny, it was just the same as it was in the shows. Metal folding chairs, sturdy card table. The only difference was that her interrogator wore a uniform. "Miss...ah... Allen? Rolfsmeyer?"

"Rolfsmeyer. Jenna. Marie. Rolfsmeyer. Same as what's on my military id."

"Uh huh. You were in possession of a pistol and an omnitool, both belonging to..."

"Major Kaidan Alenko."

"Yes. You want to explain that?"

"He gave them to me." Well, mostly. There could be some doubts as to the pistol, but Jenna was in no mood to quibble over the little details. "You have my id. You know who my sponsor is."

"I know who your id _says_ your sponsor is. Major Alenko, countersigned by Admiral Hackett. Don't you think that's going a little over the top? I mean, really? One huge name not enough for you?"

Oh, it was going to be a very long morning indeed. Jenna sighed, leaning her elbows against the table and staring at the man in morbid curiosity.

"Sir?" A much younger man opened the door, motioning the interrogator into the hallway. He was gone for just a few seconds, his expression completely different when he returned.

"Of course, Miss Rolfsmeyer." He breathed. "Come with me." She was placed back in the holding cell, back with her mother, and her sister.

John strode into the brig like he owned the world, met at the door by a nervous lieutenant. "Commander...Shepard." The man breathed, his eyes coasting from John's set expression, down to the N7 emblem prominently displayed on his uniform. "This way, sir."

He was shown into a lounge, taking a seat immediately. "What is she charged with?" He asked without preamble, keeping the man scrambling and unnerved.

"Nothing as of yet, sir. She was picked up in a raid, but she had several items that aroused suspicions above that."

"Such as?"

"She was in possession of a Paladin heavy pistol, a Spectre Works Omnitool. Two different forms of identification, with two different names. We have identified two of the people in the house with her as the people we were looking for...broke into a warehouse on post, stole rations."

"Stole rations." John echoed slowly. What in the hell had Kaidan gotten himself into here?

"They aren't registered survivors. Only the one you're here about is."

"Major Alenko's fiancee was picked up with a bunch of petty criminals?"

The man's face fell at that. "Sir, they..."

"I'll take custody of her now, thank you." He managed to stand and make it look good. "Show me where to sign."

"Of course, sir. Here. And I'll take you to her."

And she was not alone. There were three women in the holding cell, and John stared at them all. One, he discounted immediately, too old. Vega's tongue would not be cleaning the _Normandy_ decks over that one. The second one, the one who saw him first, was young enough. She looked him up and down, a predatory smile crossing her face. She was...slightly attractive, but in a rather repellent way. She felt like a snake... No. His mother would not care about this woman. And Kaidan would not fuck this, even with someone else's dick. That left the third woman, sitting on the single cot, her face and body hidden behind her knees.

"Jenna?" He asked, and she looked up at him. This...this was the woman that attracted Vega. This was the woman that Kaidan adored. This was the woman his mother worried about. This... yes, he could see what the fuss was about. Not at all what he'd expected Kaidan to bring home, at all. She was lovely, no doubt.

"I don't know you." She replied grumpily, and he chuckled.

"I'm Shepard, Jenna. Commander John Shepard."

.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`

At least they'd decided to leave her alone for awhile, all of them. Julie had shut up. Her mother. Just left...all alone. She heard someone approach the bars, sensed Julie move in response... but there was silence for a long moment.

"Jenna?" No, that was not Kaidan's voice. Nor Hackett's. Nor any of a number of people she expected might be sent to collect her. She dropped her knees, looking up at the man just beyond the bars. He seemed familiar, she should know him...but really didn't. He felt like a stranger, she didn't recognize his voice at all. A tall man, taller than Kaidan. Slightly heavier in build... he had very short hair, just enough to color his scalp black. Paler than Kaidan, with penetrating blue gray eyes. He was...exactly what Mitch had aspired to be, utterly male.

"I don't know you." Nor did she want to. He was attractive, certainly. She could feel Julie's interest, but his eyes did not shift from her.

"I'm Shepard, Jenna." He identified. "Commander John Shepard."

Oh. No. The last person in the world that she actually wanted to deal with. _Oh, hey, you know the fact you survived really messed up my life! _wasn't the basis for any sort of discussion or relationship that she wanted any part of. It wasn't that she wanted him dead...hardly.

"You ready to go?"

"I guess."

"You don't seem happy to finally meet me." He motioned down the hallway, and the lieutenant came to open the cell door. She gave her mother a sour look, shaking her head at the sudden glint of concern in her eyes.

"I'm fine." She said, "It's okay."

"Are you really Shepard? I mean...the Shepard?" Julie suddenly blurted out, and Jenna sighed in disgust.

"I am..._the_ Shepard." He proclaimed in an amused tone, puffing out his chest proudly and posing.

"But you know...Jenna?"

"Not yet. I know her fiance."

Jenna stared at him, floored. Why would he, of all people, label Kaidan as her fiance still? Surely he had to know better... "Let's go." She sighed, stepping into place beside him. The sooner this was over, the better.

It all had a bizarre sense of been there, done that deja vu when he helped her into a Kodiak, sat her into the co-pilot's seat, and buckled her securely in. "Did you want those people released? The ones you were picked up with, whoever they are?" He asked, settling himself stiffly, painfully, in the pilot's seat.

"No." She watched him move...he was most certainly nowhere near a hundred percent. He'd done a good job of faking it in the brig, but now it became obvious that he was hurting. "At least one of them deserves to be there, probably two. The third..." She shrugged, "Can't make it without the other two. "Why did you come get me? Isn't there someone else who isn't as ouchy as you are? Who isn't _the_ John Shepard? Like Vega? Kaidan?"

He set his brows...he could look quite belligerent when he put his mind to it, like the guys a bartender didn't mess with, but simply called security on. "_Normandy_'s on tour." He finally stated, beginning preflight. "Kaidan, Vega...they're with her. Hackett would have been more than happy to send someone, but I beat him to the punch. Speaking of..." He brought up his omnitool, composing a quick message and fading it again. "Time to call off the search for you."

Well, that was just dandy, even if it didn't explain why it had to be him. Jenna lapsed into silence as the Kodiak gracefully took to the air, his attention locked on its instruments. That was slightly nerve wracking, Kaidan had flown this same thing with ease. He seemed to lack that ease...

"What?"

"Do you know how to fly this?"

He laughed outright, and he was very nice to look at when he lost the caveman cast to his features. "I am competent." He nodded. "A little rusty, but competent. Not as good as Kaidan, but I can get us where we're going. I'm also not quite sure where I'm going..."

Oh. Fanfuckingtastic. "Vancouver. You know, that giant ruin on the shores of the Pacific? Almost due west of Kamloops?"

"I know Vancouver." He pushed the yoke slightly, sending the Kodiak into a lazy spiral downwards. She looked out the canopy and frowned. This was not Vancouver, but it was desperately familiar. She knew this area better than she knew almost anywhere else...this was the Okanagan Valley. This just had just gotten to be a little more than a pick up, to be brought back to Vancouver with her head down and her tail between her legs.

"What's going on?" She didn't know this man, at all. All she knew were stories. "I want to go to _Vancouver_. You can't..."

He settled the Kodiak close to the orchard, studying his instruments. "Tell me I have the right house." He said, obviously choosing to ignore what she thought he could not do.

"You have Kaidan's house." She admitted slowly. Surely he hadn't brought her here to...well, that would just be stupid. People knew he had her.

"Good." He released his harness, glancing at her as she released herself. "Supplies are in the back, want to grab them for me?" He cautiously stood and she nodded warily. It wasn't as if he really looked like he was in any shape for a fight...but he was _the_ Commander Shepard, and Kaidan had managed an entirely different physical escapade just fine while still recovering from his wounds. They were forged tough...

"Sure." She agreed, picking up the packs and carrying them to the house. It welcomed her, embraced her, held her close...and she just stood there, drinking it in.

Shepard stood in the living room, his back to her. "So you're Jenna." He finally said something that wasn't a directive, or an answer to one of her questions. "It's a relief to finally get to meet you."

His face was shadowed, the house was dim and hushed around him.

"Why have you brought me here?" The right thing, the normal thing, would have been to take her to Vancouver, turn her over to Hackett if they were still going to be looking into the charges, or Mrs. Alenko if they weren't.

"You and I need to talk." He turned towards her, closing the distance to stand just within reach of her, close, but not overbearing. "Alone, and this may take awhile. If I get what I want, it will take awhile."

"And what do you want?" She had no idea what he would want. He was a complete unknown to her. "I can just vanish..."

The belligerent eyebrow drop reappeared, and she spread her hands in supplication. "Okay, so that's not what you want."

"I want to see if I can get to know you. To see if we...you and I...can get along with each other. If we can become friends. If I take you back to Vancouver, everybody around is going to try to get into the middle of that. We need time, and space, to iron this out. For Kaidan's sake."

Well, he was making sense, at least. She nodded slowly, forcing herself to relax. She hadn't even noticed that she had been poised to run... "I'm listening."

"Good. If Kaidan is forced to choose between us, we all lose." He was choosing his words very carefully, speaking very slowly, his stare never leaving her face. "You do. I do. He does."

"What...exactly...are you suggesting?"

"I will not give up Kaidan as a friend. Ever. Worst case scenario that I will accept is to stop being his lover. But I won't be shut out of his life, and I will not put him through ugly. If that's how we go, I want a good relationship with you. I want to feel welcomed into _your_ house. I want to be your kids' Uncle John."

"And your best case scenario?"

He took another step closer, staring down at her. He was about a hand taller than Kaidan, he loomed over her height. She could see doubt in his eyes, conflict... before he rested his hands against her face. She had plenty of warning, he was moving slowly, but she was stunned, rooted in place. He leaned over, his lips warm against hers. "Best case scenario?" He whispered against her lips. "None of us gives up anything, and we all win, Jenna. You get Kaidan. I get Kaidan. Kaidan gets you. Kaidan gets me. And I get you. You get me."

"You're insane."

"Am I? Give it some thought, Jenna. Some serious thought, because I am being very serious. And spend some time with me seeing if we can't make this work."

"Shouldn't _Kaidan_ be a part of this?" Her mind refused to wrap itself around this, it stuttered and sputtered, skirted it even though he had been very blunt and straightforward. This was a man who told it as he saw it, to hell with the consequences.

"No need if it turns out we hate each other, and nothing he could do would change that. You and I need to get there by ourselves, Jenna. We need to know."


	20. Chapter 20

(AN- Just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you guys who are reading this and enjoying it. An extra special thank you to Jules, whose ongoing support for this one has just been amazing! It's moving pretty fast, I'd like to get the majority of it wrapped up before I have to leave for a funeral later this month... pretty sure I'll be close to done with it. Again, thanks!

HA)

An insistent pinging woke Kaidan up, and he stumbled to his cabin comm station, looking at the screen warily. For it come straight here meant it was personal, military traffic was screened through Normandy's CIC.

_From: SSV Orizaba/ Shepard, H. (Capt, Captain) _

_ To: Normandy SR-2/Alenko, K (Maj, Captain)_

_ personal_

_ Hey. Doofus. Pick up the phone. Now._

Doofus? It was too early in the morning for this... "Yes, Captain Shepard?" He asked after making the connection. This had better be good...

"Ah, Major Alenko." Well, she certainly sounded pretty damn happy, but there was a distance there as well. "I have good news, and I have weird news. Have to give you the good news first, though. Jenna was picked up in Kamloops yesterday."

Kaidan had rarely felt so grateful in his life. "She's okay?"

"She was when they picked her up. That's when things get weird."

And his stomach fell. What could have gone wrong, now? "The Kamloops brig contacted her sponsor's CO first, as a matter of course. Which for you must be John, still."

"Uh huh." Working out his command structure had never been an easy puzzle. He outranked Shepard, he had for years. Technically, he had not even been attached to the _Normandy_, to Shepard, during London...but as usual, when shit hit the fan, that's where he'd ended up...and he'd ended up following Shepard's lead, Shepard's orders.

"John quashed the chain there, and arrived in Kamloops in person to take custody of Jenna. He told me before he left that he needed to talk to her, face to face. After he sprang her, he filed a flight plan to a point in the Okanagan Valley, which is where his Kodiak is still sitting. John has your fiancee."

"There's an unholy alliance poised to wreak havoc on my life." He breathed out laughter. That was fine, Jenna was in good hands now. He could relax, somewhat. "John's well enough to be loose?"

"He thinks he is." Hannah replied sourly, and Kaidan nodded. In other words, no...he wasn't, but he was well enough to set himself free. "Maybe Jenna can keep an eye on him for both of us. I just wanted to let you know we'd found her, Kaidan. One less thing for you to worry about."

"Thanks. Takes a weight off." The connection died, and Kaidan leaned back in his chair, folding his arms over his bare chest and studying the view out of the upper loft...that amazing expanse of stars that Normandy plied. What was John up to? He'd been joking when he had labeled this as an unholy alliance, but it could blow up, leaving Jenna worse off than she already was. Leaving him to be the one trying to pick up the pieces... he shook his head. He needed a shower, coffee, and a few thousand calories before he was willing to take that one on. But she was alive, and John had her pinned down in the Okanagan. He'd be the focus of her wrath, not Kaidan.

.`.`.`.`.`.

John woke to a startlingly beautiful morning. He'd slept like the dead, lulled by silence and an edge of exhaustion, in an incredibly comfortable bed. The house was utterly silent, and he slipped out of bed, dressing and peering out into the hallway. Nothing, she must still be asleep.

He nodded, paddling barefooted down to the kitchen, pulling open the patio doors and letting the cool dawn breeze flow in, before taking stock. A fine kitchen, and the supplies he'd brought... he made coffee and breakfast, taking it out to the porch to watch the sunrise.

She appeared less than an hour later, her hair in braids, squinting at him owlishly...cradling a cup of coffee in her hands. She looked completely rumpled, completely herself, and he fought to keep his greeting smile neutral. "Not a morning person, I see." He joked, and she wrinkled her nose at him, taking the chair across the table from him.

"Not by choice." She answered, beginning to unravel the two braids. Damn. She was killing him... he focused on the contents of his coffee cup. He had no doubts what had attracted Kaidan...what attracted Vega. The coffee became even more fascinating when she arched her back to gather up her hair and tie it back in a tail.

"How'd you meet Kaidan?" Nice, safe place to start, or so he thought.

"I almost ran him over. And I wasn't wearing anything when I did it."

Or...not. He had to stare, he just had to. She grinned back at him, and he nodded slowly. "Okay, I'll bite. How?"

"I lived here during the Reaper Invasion. I was Kaidan's squatter...I figured he was dead, I figured they were all dead. I'd forgotten my towel on the bed, it was cold...so I come charging out of the bathroom. He was standing on the other side of the bathroom door, gun drawn. I almost knocked him down."

And Kaidan was one lucky son of a bitch. "And yesterday?" He asked. "Kamloops brig?"

"Yeah...about that. What are the charges?" She asked. He shrugged, bringing up his omnitool to check, and she took that as an opportunity to go get a plate of food.

"None that I see." He began when she returned and took her seat again. Kaidan's filed a written deposition from the _Normandy_ stating that you stole nothing from him. You aren't on the footage of the robbery. Only thing they have to try to stick is the fact you were carrying fake id...and the Kamloops brig doesn't seem really interested in that. Fifth Fleet JAG has declined to pick it up. Why did you have it, anyway?"

"I didn't want to be found." She grimaced, "Did such a fine job of it. Two whole weeks, I'm so bad at being bad."

"Do you love Kaidan?"

"Absolutely." Her voice was steel. "If I didn't... I would have stayed. I want him to be happy. I thought this was the best way. You and he...that's something I can't match, Commander."

_They'd talked about having children. She got along famously with his mother... _

"There are things you have that I can't match, Jenna. And call me John, please. Kaidan has always wanted a family. Children. He's never tried to hide it from me."

"And do you?"

No beating around the bush there. And honestly, he'd never given it much thought. He liked women, but they'd always been temporary, fleeting forces in his life. It had always been fun...but this brought a definite need for a commitment if they went there. Kaidan had already committed, if he didn't...then this was doomed to fail. And from that, would he consider it? Raising his children next to Kaidan's, all of them truly brothers and sisters?

"At least one." An interesting admission, his mother would die laughing to hear it. "So, what do you do?"

"What do I do now? What did I do during? What did I do before?"

Yeah, that was pretty much the long and short of it. Life was segmented into now, during and before. "Before."

"I worked in a hotel. Bartending, hostess, waitress. Lived with my long term boyfriend, he was a laborer, a guide, before he apparently decided to start breaking into warehouses with my sister and stealing from the military. Nothing interesting at all, John. As everyday as you can get."

"During?"

"During and after are all covered in great detail in a format easily accessible through your 'tool. It's too pretty a day to go back there, let's just... get to know each other. As friends."

"Certainly."

He got another plateful, now that she'd had a chance to get her own breakfast and sat down. She watched him for a long, fascinated moment before pinching the bridge of her nose. "Both of you?"

"Yep. Five thousand calories a day, get both of us together and..." He shrugged. "We eat. So this is the great outdoors? Full of fun, bugs, fishing and hockey...according to Kaidan, at least."

"City kid?"

"Worse. Spacer kid. You're going to have to show me some of this outdoor living while I'm here." Nothing made a connection like teaching, hopefully she knew, hopefully she wasn't as clueless as he was... "I did survival training in N school, but..."

"While I can play hockey...pretty damn well, it's the wrong time of year and Kaidan's one pair of skates and single stick isn't going to get us far. I can teach you to fish. The way you eat, it might be necessary. We can go swimming. Hunting. Probably can _borrow_ a boat, canoes, something. There's nobody out here."

.`.`.`.`.`.`.`

It was oddly nostalgic. If Jenna just closed her eyes and drifted, she could imagine that the world had never changed. Back on a boat, with the man with her fishing, stripped to his waist, his face shadowed by the bill of a cap. Her feet dangled in the cool water, a net bag of salvaged beers hanging off the side of the boat.

However, it was the details that threw it all for a loop... She barely knew the man, he fished with a single minded determination, all focus and will. He was easy to watch, easy on the eyes, once he'd gotten the hang of the cast, he quickly figured out how to shorten it to avoid pulling his injuries. He moved with a strong grace, but it seemed like the more time passed with no fish, he became more intent instead of less. "Ha!" He grunted when the pole finally yanked taut.

Jenna only hoped it was a fish. Preferably a sizable one, to reward his predatory response to what she normally considered an excuse to float around and drink beer...with the added occasional bonus of dinner thrown in. She picked up the net and leaned over, scanning the water. Yup. Fish. Yup...very nicely sized trout, a big Kamloops, easily a ten pounder. "Nice one." She allowed, finally managing to get the net on it and getting it pulled out of the water.

"Can we eat it?"

"Yes, we can. And we will." She watched him cast again, "So, you were serious about what you said yesterday? That wasn't a joke?" The idea had been haunting her since he'd brought it up... seemingly seriously brought it up. Usually when men brought up 'threesome' to Jenna, they were young, drunk, stupid, entitled and hoping for two girls. The idea of a sober, mature man bringing up this version of it make her head roll. And a large portion of that roll was that yes, it did make a certain sort of twisted sense in their situation.

"No joke. We both love the same man. He loves both of us. I'm willing to do a whole hell of a lot to get this to work, Jenna. You love him enough to leave him...love him enough to stay. You and I can work out the details between _us _in due time."

.`.`.`.``.`.`.

_Kaidan:_

_ Well, you know how much of an idiot I've been, so all I can say is that I'm sorry. So. Very. Sorry. For everything I've put you through. Everything I put your mother through. Everything I've put everybody through. I just panicked. And I ran again. I want you to know that none of this is your fault, and that I still love you just as much as I did before. I hope you get back home soon so that I can do this face to face. _

_ Spent the day fishing with John, near the Okanagan house. I don't think he quite realizes that it's supposed to be relaxing, he seemed to take the fishes' refusal to be caught personally. He's in pretty rough shape, I'm not sure he's actually supposed to be out here. In fact, I'd say he isn't. I'm okay with being abducted and held at fish point back in the Okanagan with a guy who cooks and makes a mean cup of coffee, but I'm a little worried about this. I tried to steer him towards the easiest 'outdoorsy' thing I could, but no. Is he always this pig headed? Should I be calling someone to come get him? _

_ Looking forward to seeing you again. Really want to fix what I've done, if I can. I pulled a stupid. A big, big stupid, and I regret it so much. _

_ Love always,_

_ Jenna. _

The text blurred in front of his eyes for a second. She was back. She was talking to him. This could be fixed. He let out a huge sigh of relief, raking his fingers through his hair.

_Jenna:_

_ I can't tell you how relieved I am that you're back, that you're safe. Of course we can fix this, no doubt about it. This is just a hiccup, in a few months, we'll be laughing about it, I promise. _

_ As for John...yes, he is __this__ pig__ headed. He always has been. He has been released from the hospital, but he's supposed to be under apartment 'arrest' in Vancouver, under his mother's care. He escaped. I'd appreciate it if you could at least try to keep him reined in while the two of you are there... Speaking of, __why__ are the two of you there? I know it's his idea, but I don't get it. _

_ Agreed, can't wait to see you again. I contacted my mother and let her know where you are, and that you're with John. (?) _

_ Love you, _

_ Kaidan. _

It was a pale attempt, but as she'd said, it needed to be done face to face to be truly valid. All they were going to accomplish with this was to acknowledge the intent to fix it all. The desire to. He sat back, continuing with his usual array of personal messages, he'd let them all stack up again... And then back to the top, for the new one...Jenna, again.

_Kaidan:_

_ Thanks for the heads up with John. He's crashed now, dead to the world asleep. I'll do my best to keep a leash on him, but I make no promises. As for why he's here...I guess he never told me to keep it to myself, so sure. He says he wants to get to know me, to be friends. He thinks it will be easier on you if the pair of us (me and him) get along, at the least. This is all pretty deep, and I have to talk to you about what he's talking about, but it's not something I think I should go into like this. In fact, I think it's something that the three of us need to discuss, together. _

_ But I'm okay here, I don't want you to worry about anything like that. _

_ Wish you were here. It would have been a wonderful day with you, we'll have to have a cookout or something when you get home. Invite the Moms, the crew, and spend a weekend here. It'll be fun._

_ Love, _

_ Jenna._

"What in the hell are you up to, John?" He whispered, rereading the message. On one hand, it made perfect sense. If Jenna was comfortable with John, if they had a relationship, it would make Kaidan's life so much easier. He didn't want to get rid of either one of them, he wanted them both in his life. But yeah, a cookout would be a fantastic idea...definitely something to plan before it got cold again.

_Jenna:_

_ Will discuss whatever you need when I get home. Cookout is a great idea...if there's still power to the freezers, maybe you and John could shoot some barbecue, because it's certainly not coming from Vancouver. A few wild pigs, and we'd be in business. Or whatever else, so tired of rations..._

_Love,_

_Kaidan._

_.`.`.``.`.`..`._

At the end of four days, ensconced alone with Jenna, John knew what he needed to know. He liked her enough, got along with her well enough, to live with her on a regular basis. Kaidan could have chosen much worse, but he could have chosen a little bit better... It was a little odd to deal with such a rank civilian, he'd lived his entire life surrounded by soldiers. He was comfortable with them. They made sense to him. Jenna was like a foreigner, almost normal, but not quite. She wasn't weak, she wasn't squeamish... she had been willing to gut and carry out a wild pig, but she was undisciplined. Her lack of focus stunned him. It hadn't been so bad, until he'd actually read her 'during' and 'after' entries, contained on his omnitool. A bartender? She had been a bartender. Even before they'd been aware of the Reaper threat, she should have been in uniform. She should have been on _Everest, _or another dreadnought, and it annoyed the hell out of him.

"It's time to take you home to Vancouver." He sighed. "_Normandy_'s on her return leg, Kaidan will be home soon. I need to see my mother, you need to see Kaidan's."

"Yay." She breathed sarcastically. "Not...looking forward to that."

_Maybe if you hadn't run, you wouldn't need to fix things. _No. He was not going to start that. She'd had her reasons. If Kaidan was willing to forgive and forget, he would have to as well.

Both moms were waiting when he landed, and he laughed outright. "There's our welcoming committee." He extended his hand to her, and she took it with a smile. "Thank you, Jenna. For putting up with what I did. For taking the time to listen to me." That was true. She could have just unwound on him, most women did not have to put up with being taken up into the hills by their fiance's best friend/lover, a man they didn't know, and held there indefinitely. "I had a great time." And actually, he had. It had been just what he'd needed.

"Yeah." She chuckled, picking up her backpack on her way out. "It was fun. Weird fun, but fun. Watching you fish is a hoot."

She barely made it onto the tarmac before Kaidan's mother engulfed her, sputtering in a desperate mix of joy and recriminations. John watched, he was mostly unfamiliar with the woman, and what he did know didn't fill him with love. But he did know and respect the other woman who moved towards her, and he measured his mother's reaction carefully.

"Good to have you back, Jenna." She breathed, wrapping an arm around the amalgamation of Jenna and Kaidan's mother. "Thanks for looking out for John...and not shooting him in his sleep. You go with Danielle, I'll take custody of him now. We'll do lunch again..."

She walked away from them, fastening John with that stare. "And you, boy, you come with me."

"You're lucky that Jenna is pretty damn easy going." She grumbled, putting together lunch with a vicious precision. "All she had to do was yell for help and..."

"I needed to talk to her, alone." He sighed, leaning against the wall of their apartment. "I'm not giving up Kaidan. Kaidan's not giving up Jenna. So I have to work out something with Jenna. I want to be in their lives. I want to be Uncle John to their kids. He's my family, Mom. I rely on him. I depend on him. He's always got my back." The idea of coming through this, surviving, but losing his support structure...no. What was the point? She didn't need to know just what he had suggested to Jenna...yet... but she needed to know the basics. Where he stood.

"Well? You've met Jenna. You've had days, alone, with her..."

He growled in answer, picking up a knife and working beside her. "The good, or the bad? She has plenty of both."

"The good."

"She is, as you said, very easy going. Kind. Fun. Spending time with her is not a chore."

"And the bad?"

"Kaidan can do better. She's... unambitious. She lacks drive, focus."

"Only you would describe his fiancee the same way as you would write up a soldier on their readiness report." She sighed, shaking her head and reaching for plates.

"She's too safe! She's too..."

"Normal?"

"Yes!" Kaidan deserved the superlative, not the everyday.

"John. All of your life, you've been surrounded by soldiers. And when you joined up, you actively sought out driven people. N training. High speed, _no_ drag. Those are the kind of people you respect, the kind of people _you_ get off on. Doesn't matter if a woman is bugnuts insane, can she keep up with you? They make great squad members, John. Great comrades. But they make terrible wives and mothers. Kaidan was raised around civilians, he's comfortable with 'normal' people. He's looking for someone to settle down with, John...not 'go save the galaxy, again!', with. He's looking for a wife. A mother. And he's much, much better at judging for that than you are. And it doesn't fucking matter... because _you_ are the interloper in this."

Ah, trust his mother to throw the hard balls. "How so?" He muttered.

"Kaidan's not trying to fit with you and the woman that you've chosen to marry, John. You're trying to fit with him...and the woman that he has chosen. He wants Jenna. They're good together. You're the one who has to make it work..because they already work together. He owes you nothing in this, and she sure as hell doesn't. If you really want to be part of their lives, John, the weight is on you."


	21. Chapter 21

"Miss...Rolfsmeyer." Hackett could put so much gravitas in such a simple phrase. It was only her name...

"Yes..." She fought the urge to call him sir, locking her fingers together in her lap and meeting his eyes. Time for another lecture, this time given in Hackett's office. Same lecture, different surroundings. It was almost enough to consider running again, just to get away from them... "Admiral?"

"I'd asked you to come see me."

Yes, yes he had. She'd assumed it was to have a more in-depth discussion about the bombshell he'd dropped on her, which had all sounded much too awkward and tragic.

"I know." And she was not going to say 'I'm sorry' there, either. She'd done enough apologizing for now... She'd be doing quite enough of that when Kaidan returned.

"We took a hard hit fighting the Reapers." He stated, watching her. "Lost a lot of good people."

Yes, yes they had. Jenna was uncertain why that had to be brought up now, but she'd give him that.

"But the Reapers were never the only threat out there, Miss Rolfsmeyer. We had plenty of them well before they came. Eventually, we'll have to start dealing with those again."

Interesting, but Jenna was still not following just where he was going with this.

"We've made some decisions about how we're going to handle our personnel issues during this period, with the understanding that we're going to have to bend, or outright break, the rules to get our force under arms back up to an acceptable level. We're restarting our specialty training schools, effective immediately. One of the first I want to get off of the ground is our Accelerated Tactics course."

"You need me to play opfor against your students?"

"No. I need you to _be_ one of the students. I'm asking you to join, Miss Rolfsmeyer. To put on a uniform."

"That's crazy!" Jenna spat, "I'm not..."

"Not what? Good enough? I beg to differ, I think you're the best that we _don't_ have. We're willing to let you in with an abbreviated basic training course, and give you promotional credit for the tactical work you've already done. That would bring you in as an E-4, and take some of the sting out of the fact that you're almost to the age out point."

"But...Kaidan..."

"I'm also willing to offer you a mostly permanent ground-side posting, probably Vancouver. Major Alenko is sorely overdue for a well deserved promotion, and will probably go into ground-side rotation himself...again, probably Vancouver."

"_Mostly _permanent?"

"To maintain ship crew qualifications, you'd be required to take a two week hop on a ship every year. Not in a combat theater. Give it some thought, Miss Rolfsmeyer. Some serious thought, please. Talk it over with Major Alenko...with Commander Shepard. I need an answer in the next six weeks."

"I'll never be..."

"You'll never be a Spectre. You'll never attend N school. You'll never win the Star of Terra. You'll never make it above Staff Lieutenant. You'll never command. You'll be just like every other soldier I have who will never be great...but they don't let that stop them from making all of the difference that they can. For every Commander Shepard I have, for every Major Alenko, I have ten thousand dedicated soldiers who keep the machine running without ever being great... and now, that's more important than ever." He steepled his fingers, staring at his desktop... "I want you to marry Major Alenko, go through with your plans...but I also want you to help us pull through this. All hands on deck."

"I'll consider it. Oh, if I do...can I be taught to fly a Kodiak?"

He paused, tilting his head. Obviously that was not a response he'd been expecting. "Of course, Miss Rolfsmeyer. Dare I ask...?"

"I keep ending up in the Okanagan Valley with one of your marines in a state that concerns the hell out of me, and they always want to fly the Kodiak they brought. It's nerve wracking, I'd prefer to be able to fly myself _and _them out the next time it happens."

"Point taken, and that can be arranged. Definitely. In fact, even if you don't join, we'll see you get that."

.`.`.``.`.`.`.

"You look about as low as a trampled volus. Somebody else give you a lecture?" John sat across from her, and she gave him a flat smile. It had sounded like a great idea, meet him for lunch in the headquarters courtyard. Enjoy the weather. She'd been expecting a lecture, and she knew how to handle that. She had no clue how to deal with what she'd gotten.

"Had an appointment with Hackett." She admitted, taking the plate he offered her.

"Oh. Let me guess, he's gravely disappointed in your flagrant display of irresponsibility and immaturity?" He tried to insert gravel into his voice and simply ended up sounding like he had a frog in his throat.

"He didn't bring it up, at all."

"Uh-oh. You had an appointment with him, and he didn't even mention the fact that he had patrols tearing up Kamloops looking for you?"

"Uh...no. Neglected that one."

"So what does he want? And what the hell is this shit?"

"Powderade. The fake drink concentrate of champions. The pink kind isn't bad...but the yellow...blech."

"This is _green, _I think. And I'm afraid to know. Well, I'm afraid to know what I'm drinking... not about what Hackett wants. Oh, look. A bug. Maybe that will make it taste like something real."

"He wants me to join." It sounded so insanely stupid, but Shepard's expression froze. He put the cup on the table, staring at her...his brows dropping.

"An Admiral asked you to join. As an opt-in?"

She shrugged in confusion. "I...don't know what you mean."

"He offered you terms? Made you promises? More serious than 'trot down to the recruiter and listen to him'? Never mind, I'll check. If it's formal, it's on record..." He brought up his omnitool, leaning back into the shade of the headquarters building to read it more easily. He spent an inordinate amount of time reading whatever he had pulled up, narrow eyed and thoughtful.

"Well?" She asked, "Silly, eh?"

"No." He stated firmly, fading the display. "It's not. You really want what I think of this? Honestly?"

"I think I'm going to get it anyway."

"And you'd be correct, you are. I need you to hear me out, though...the first part is going to be harsh."

"I can take criticism." He gazed at her dubiously, and she stared back. She hadn't been through years of coaches screaming at her for nothing. She'd never developed a triple salchow, but she had grown some pretty thick skin.

"My first response was that this is bullshit. It's fucking insulting. This will make you the world's biggest REMF, someone who wears a uniform and draws their check from the paymaster, but works a nine to five day, every day, except for weekends. You'll go through Candyland training...worse, you'll go through _Navy_ Candyland. You'll pull off the absolute bare minimum to be called a soldier."

Yup. That was exactly what she was expecting out of him. "And your second response is?"

"It's about time. You'll serve, when and where we need you the most. You'll be fast tracked into AcTac, and you'll do something with that gift we all know you have. We took a pounding, we're massively under strength. Not that making Kaidan the happiest man alive, and being mommy to his babies isn't desperately important, but we need more from you than just that. Hackett's giving you everything you'll need to do them both, Jenna. You'll want to discuss this with Kaidan, of course, but you need to do this." He looked at her like he was seeing her for the first time, ever, and she stared back.

"What kind of shape are you in? You may be going to Candyland, but by God, you'll be the best there."

Oh, great. Jenna sighed, blowing a tendril of hair out of her face. Here she went again. "I used to be in great shape. Now... no."

"Well, that makes two of us. Let's go."

_Normandy_ settled easily into her berth, another perfect landing, and Kaidan gave Joker a short nod. If he actually praised the landing, he'd never hear the end of it, and he'd like to avoid that. He would be the last one off of the ship as it was, and he didn't want to entice Joker into a bitch fest. It would all be in good fun, but it would take too long to see through to the end...

"Hey, before we all scatter... Jenna suggested we all meet up at my parents' vacation home for a weekend. Cookout, barbecue thing. There will be meat."

"You had me at cookout." Joker said, "And sealed the deal with meat. Just let us know when, you know we'll be there."

"We'll be where?" Vega demanded from behind them. "You two making plans without me?"

"Nope. You're invited. I'll get you all the details when I have them. Is she out there?" Staying on his post was difficult as hell...

"Jefe, they're _all_ out there. Jenna. Shepard. Your mom. His mom. Just a regular party waiting for you."

It seemed like an eternity, but he was finally able to hand _Normandy_ over to Joker and Vega and gather up his bag to hit the plank. As promised, they were all there, waiting for him.

"Jenna!" He breathed, secure again when she launched herself into his arms. "I...I... Don't you _ever_ do that to me again! I mean it."

Her muffled response sounded appropriately apologetic, contrite, and he sighed, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and letting her cling to him. "Shhhhh... Jenna. You're back. That's all that really matters. John..." He looked good, much better than Kaidan was hoping for. He'd been whisked away so quickly that he hadn't even begun to face any of that, yet. John only gave him a lopsided smile, enveloping both Jenna and Kaidan into an embrace.

"Good to see you again, Kaidan. It's been awhile. Where'd this come from?" John traced the first strands of white at Kaidan's temples with a thumb.

"You adore 'forgetting' that you're younger than I am."

"Heh. Not by _that_ much."

"If you grew out that sandpaper head of yours, I'm sure I'd find a couple there. You're just afraid to see them, asshole." It felt so good to just fall back into the usual well-worn banter, comforting, easy. It made him feel safe, loved. "Mom!"

"Kai. Welcome home." She was unusually reserved, her gaze locked on John. She was trying to hide it, but he sensed her reservations. Just one more thing he had to deal with... but he had Jenna in his arms, and he was in John's arms. He couldn't ask for much more.

"Let's go." He breathed, slinging one arm over Jenna's shoulders, and the other over John's.

It was funny, looking up and nothing had changed. The same ceiling of stars arched over Vancouver as had always been there. Somehow, John had acquired beer and after dinner, the three of them sat outside... left alone to work this out, somehow.

"This is killing me." Kaidan finally admitted. "I wish I had an answer." But he didn't, he really and truly didn't. Jenna glanced sharply at John, who shook his slightly in response. "I love both of you." Kaidan finished, miserable and not trying to hide it.

"I've been talking to Jenna about this." John stated firmly, and pulled a flask out of his jogging pants, passing it to Kaidan. "You may need that, buddy."

"Why?" Good Canadian whiskey, heated to a man's body temperature. It was divine, warm, then hot...fading in his belly when he took a swallow.

"I love you, Kaidan." John stated, staring away. "Can't change that, and I don't want to."

Jenna's face was set, resolved, and Kaidan panicked inside. They'd already come to some of agreement, without him, without his input. This was _his_ life, damnit! "John, you have no clue."

"The hell I _don't_. You love me, you love her. She loves you, you love her. If you cut out either one of us, you break. Neither one of us want that."

Where exactly was he going with this?

"Kaidan. You. Me. And Jenna."

Kaidan choked in shock, gasping for air. That was a guilty dream, one that he'd never, ever dare speak aloud...but John just _had_. "What the fuck?" He managed, taking another swallow from the flask. "John, that is insane!" And oh, so very tempting. To have them both, to give up nothing... "Jenna?"

"I'm willing to try, if..."

"If?"

"There have to be ground rules. This isn't just something I'm going to agree to, just because I'm desperate to keep you. If I sleep with John, and that's an _if_, I need to know you're okay with that. I need time, I need to do this on my schedule..." Her voice broke, overwhelmed, and Kaidan flinched. This was a terrible, terrible idea...it would never work, he just had to get her the hell of here. It was desperately unfair to even consider asking it of her. It was beyond selfish of him to even entertain the idea...

"Hey." John soothed, gathering her up and rocking her in his arms. It was one of the oddest scenes that Kaidan had ever seen... his fiancee, in his lover's arms, but it was beautiful. It was perfect.

"Now you can hit him with the funny news." John chuckled, and Kaidan blinked. Had this been a joke? An elaborate prank? No. John was simply changing the subject, adjourning the idea for the moment. Jenna was stressed out, there was nothing faked there.

"I thought you told me it wasn't funny." She mumbled, wiping her face. "Hackett's asked me to join the Navy."

"What?" Somehow that was almost as horrifying as the threesome idea... almost. Well, no...worse. "Jenna, _no_."

John sighed gustily, shaking his head. Obviously, he had supported the opposite stance... he'd encouraged her to. But then, John had a thing for lean, mean, killing machines. "He's offering her a permanent, ground-side posting, Kaidan, here in Vancouver. Accelerated Tactical school. Candyland. She'll be support all the way. E-4 out of the box."

"Oh. Great. An NCO, John. Can you say fraternization? I knew you could. I've done enough hiding _that_ to keep me for a lifetime." Surely Hackett wouldn't do this to him? It was beyond cruel. Surely Jenna would just let this one go.

"She's been given a pass on that as part of her opt-in. Kaidan, you know what she's capable of."

Well, it looked like that was another thing that the pair of them had worked out without him, but with this one, he could see that John was correct. "So you've looked at the terms?" He sighed. If Hackett was willing to put Jenna in a specialty school, make her support, and leave her safely stationed at Vancouver...he was okay with it. It would just be a job, one Jenna was well suited to. It would be doing something to help rebuild, they needed everybody doing their part.

"Yeah. He's leaning over backwards here."

"What if he gets her for fraternizing...with _you_?" Ah, it was always worth it when he could cut a corner on John. "She's been given a pass to marry _me_."

"There are some legalities I needed to look into before I make any commitments, Kaidan."

Legalities? Commitments? "You're serious."

"I am. I don't want to be the plus one to your marriage, the boyfriend that you two keep on the side. I don't want to sneak, to hide... I've never been any good at that. I want to be able to throw it down on the floor and say...'My wife, Jenna. My husband, Kaidan.' I don't want to have to figure out how to claim a child as my own, if I have one. My _family_, Kaidan. I just have to work out the details, and wait for Jenna."

"No pressure." She stated, and he shrugged.

"Just putting it all out there on the table." He said, releasing his hold on her. "No questions. No doubts. That's what I want, I want to be a full partner in this."

"Figure out the legalities." Kaidan said, still astounded by the very idea. "And we'll go from there." He stretched out on the blanket, closing his eyes. When had things gotten crazy? When _hadn't_ they been? Jenna laid down beside him, her head on his arm, hand on his chest. After a moment, John collapsed on his other side, sprawled out and relaxed. He snorted in laughter, and John glanced over at him.

"Life is good." He mused, "Life is good."


	22. Chapter 22

(AN- Back from road trip and mom in law's memorial service...this one is a little bit off because part of it was written before, and part after that trip, but I should be getting back into pace with it now.

HA)

Jenna woke up exactly where she belonged, in bed with Kaidan. He was awake, his eyes locked on her face. "Good morning, beautiful." He greeted with that perfect, shy smile, stroking one of the many loose strands of hair out of her face.

"I'm so sorry, Kaidan. I... thought... No, I guess I didn't think. I assumed that him coming back was the end of us. You never lied, I always knew that you loved him..."

He sighed, gathering her up against his side, his gaze locked on the ceiling. "Jenna. I love you. I committed to _you_."

But. He didn't say it, he didn't need to. "I want so many things that only _you_ can give me." He whispered. "But I can't turn my back on John. Not after everything. Not after all of this time. What did he ask you for?"

"His worst case is that you and he stop being lovers. That he's a close, close family friend."

"And his best is what he spoke of last night."

"Yes."

"I'm so sorry I've gotten you all mixed up in this, Jenna. It's a lot more complicated than it should be. Worst you should have been expected to deal with would be an ex-girlfriend or something."

"Not the 'I saved the Galaxy' male lover?"

"Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh. You know you're everything I find attractive in a woman, right?"

The qualifier hurt, just a little bit. But she'd always known that about him, it wasn't a surprise, and it was nothing she could hold against him. She could obviously not be everything he found attractive in a man as well. As he'd said, this was a lot more complicated than it should be... but that didn't change things. He was who and what he was.

"Right."

"So. I have an awkward question, and it's one I need an honest answer to. I can take both yes or no...but I need to know, Jenna. Do you find him attractive...in that way?"

Ouch. Ordinarily, Jenna would consider that question out of bounds, just the opening shots to an argument either way...

"Or are you just humoring him? Humoring me? Because that won't work." Kaidan continued. "I'll fight for you, Jenna. Either way you chose to go with this, I stand behind you."

"Pros and cons?"

"Pros and cons." He chuckled, rubbing the cleft in his chin. "Pro _and_ con, you'd be living with Shepard. He's both useful and annoying. Pros, we'd both take care of you...no matter what. If something happened to me, he'd be there...legally. I look at my mother, and my heart breaks. I don't want to leave you like that, Jenna. John has a bad tendency to get hurt, but honestly, I'm not that far behind him. I've been at death's door more than once, he's picked me up and pulled me out of some pretty awful scrapes. He'd be there for my kids...our kids. I'd be there for his kids...our kids. We won't be posted together again...so you'll have a much better chance of having at least one of us around at any given time than if it was only me. Resource wise, having both of us maintaining a combined household makes sense...and if he can push this through legally, that's double the benefits... for you and your children, and they're guaranteed to be _your_ children, no matter what. As he said, if you have any of his children, this addresses those issues. Cons? It's going to be awkward, because this definitely is not going to be like a porn movie. We're going to take some flak from people around us, even those we love. Being involved with Shepard will get the attention of the press. Being weirdly, fascinatingly involved with Shepard will triple that. If having one stubborn assed husband is bad, what is two going to be like? Now, I've answered your question...answer mine."

Damn. Mitch would have forgotten he asked a question a long time ago... "I find John attractive, yes." She admitted it cautiously. "He's very..." Somebody, please just make it stop... "Male. Not that you're not..."

"I know what you mean, Jenna. You don't have to go any further than that. I know what attracted me to him, I can assume it's the same for you."

"I just...he's so different than you are, I didn't want you to think..."

"What's the point of having two husbands if they're both the same? If you're going to do it, you may as well get the variety pack." He ruffled her hair in thought, hanging in silence for a long moment. "So, about this cookout idea...you were serious?"

Ah, the change of subject. "We have four pigs in the big shed freezer, so yeah, I'm serious. Plenty of room for a party, eh? The crew, the moms? It'll be fun."

"Yeah." He agreed, sliding from bed. "We should have it before you have to report for boot. I assume that you _are_ going?"

"Yes, I am." It had been an easier decision than she'd been expecting. She had to do something, anything, more than what she was currently doing... or rather, not doing. This seemed to make a lot more sense than most of what she usually ended up doing...or not. The chances for failure were very, very high indeed. But she'd failed before, and had woken up the morning after. Life carried on.

"Good. Good." He sighed, leaning back against the wall, studying the floor intently. "We do need you. We need everybody. There are lots of things out there that will view us as targets more than ever now."

Charming idea. Survive what they had, and still...still...they were targets. Not even going to get a breather out of this.

"I can free up someone else to go out there and serve on a ship." She assumed that most people who joined wanted that. She was perfectly happy with the idea of staying in Vancouver, on the ground. "It's not like I'm going to go out there to save the galaxy. That's what you two are for."

He chuckled, shaking his head. "Hopefully, my days of saving the galaxy are over with, Jenna. What are your plans for the day?" He watched her climb out of bed, his gaze frankly appreciative.

"Go for a run with John. Then to HQ to fill out some paperwork. Then help your mom with dinner, and stuff." She shrugged, it was all pretty underwhelming. "Unless you had plans?"

"Paperwork, at HQ. After action reports. New crew member reports...although I'm pretty certain I'll be handing _Normandy_ back over to John." He sounded comfortable with that idea, and she nodded. "But a morning run sounds good, am I invited too?"

"Of course you are."

.`.``.`.``.`.`.`.

Jenna took a deep breath, stylus gripped hard between her fingers, staring blankly at the datapad screen in front of her. Hackett was silent, still, his eyes never leaving her. _Signing your life away. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. _A flurry of doubts, self recriminations, rose in her gut. Who was she fooling with this? _"We do need you." "It's about time." _How could they believe in her, when she did not?

"Has Shepard talked to you?" There had been enough time, and from what she saw, John moved fast once he'd made up his mind about something.

"About?" Hackett asked slowly, and her stomach plummeted. He hadn't, but she had just brought it up herself. And now, she was going to be the one who had to try and explain the inexplicable to him. At least he knew the main, salient points here...

"You know that Shepard and Kaidan were together. _Are_ together."

Hackett shifted slightly, raising his eyebrows. "I am uncertain exactly as to how the pieces of that are falling together at this moment." He said, guarded and wary. "Why do you think it has any bearing on your enlistment?"

"There has been talk of a marriage..." Jenna wasn't even certain just how legal this all was, or how much trouble she was about to light up. "Between the _three_ of us. This simply covers me and Kaidan... I want it all covered, just in case."

He stared at her for a long, silent moment before nodding sharply, and bringing up his omnitool. "There you go. Just in case..." He stated, and she watched the information on the datapad refresh, with that clause added. Now she had no more excuses, it simply was do it...or refuse to for no other reason than she was a coward...

She signed her name, took another deep breath, and hit enter. It was over. All done. She couldn't take it back now.

"Welcome to the Systems Alliance Navy, _Chief_ Rolfsmeyer. My aide will take you through your in-processing from here."


	23. Chapter 23

She spent the next two days with Danielle, gathering up supplies and making plans before she boarded the _Normandy_'s Kodiak for a quick ride back to the Okanagan. Kaidan flew, John in the co-pilot's seat, while Jenna rode the first jump seat. They cultivated a companionable silence between them, quiet as the shuttle made its descent to the house. "I'll check it out." John muttered when they set down, pulling a pistol and hopping out.

"Right." Kaidan agreed without so much as a glance up from the Kodiak's instruments, going into his post flight checks with the ease of long practice. Jenna watched Shepard through the canopy, knowing it was probably wise to scout the buildings. They'd brought Kodiaks up here more than once, a telltale sign that this house, unlike all of the others, was under fairly regular occupation.

"Clear." His voice came through the Kodiak's speakers, and Kaidan simply reached out to flip the jump door switch, still perusing his checklist. The door cycled open, filling the belly of the shuttle with warm, apple scented air, and Jenna smiled. Home. She was home again. She picked up the closest box to her and walked down the unloading plank, into the close safety of the house.

_This is all I ever wanted. _

She snorted at the idea, watching John head back to the Kodiak, joined by Kaidan as the two of them began to unload the shuttle. It wasn't awkward. It wasn't weird. It just _was_. They were more than comfortable with each other, they worked side by side with ease. It was a joy to hear Kaidan laugh at something, an even greater one when John echoed the laughter, clapping him on the back. They belonged together, if she'd had any doubts before, they were gone. This had to work.

She sighed, beginning dinner and starting to unpack the boxes that they brought to her. Afterward, she'd go to the orchard and see if any of the early apples were ripe enough to do something with yet.

They ate, seated at the dining room table, John and Kaidan discussing _Normandy_, her new crew members, details that John would need to know when he took control of her again. All points that Jenna had no need to hear or be a part of, and she stood, picking up a basket and a rifle... Kaidan barely glanced in her direction, but the moment she put her hand on a weapon, she had John's undivided attention.

"Going after apples." She explained and he still stared.

"Bears." Kaidan explained, "They're attracted to fruit. And that's a whole orchard full of fruit down there."

"Do you need one of us to go with you?" John asked warily, standing and moving to the large windows overlooking the orchard, obviously regarding it as a sudden threat.

"No. I lived up here alone for months, I can handle it. You and Kaidan have stuff to catch up on, I'll be back before dusk." She stepped out into the late summer afternoon, striding towards the orchard. She saw no signs of recent bear activity, only the usual deer nibbles, and began picking brightly striped apples. They were still a little unripe, but tasty in small doses... and great for cooking. A welcome addition to a rather restricted diet.

She turned back towards the house before the light fell, as promised, moving at a normal pace. John and Kaidan had come out onto the side porch, probably to keep an eye on her area, but they'd obviously gotten distracted...by each other. They were bare to the waist, wrapped in an embrace, kissing.

Jenna's mind boggled for a moment, it was one thing to understand this conceptually, yet another to actually see it. They were lovers, therefore... they made love. She got that.

_They're beautiful. _She was more than aware that they were both serious eye candy, she'd seen all that Kaidan had to offer, and a large amount of what John had to offer. And if they were both gorgeous alone, then why would it change when they were together? But it did leave her with a small problem...she couldn't stand out here forever, with a heavy basket of apples, waiting for them to finish. That idea was ridiculous. She sighed, giving into really the only option she had...approaching them openly.

"Jenna." John greeted smoothly, "Find any?"

Not weird. It was stunning to realize just how close to the truth that actually was. She wouldn't say it was completely normal, but it wasn't so far gone that she didn't think she could get her head to wrap around it.

"I wouldn't eat too many of them raw." She replied as if everything was just fine. As if she walked up on the pair of them making out on a regular basis. Kaidan was cautious, uncertain, she sensed it rolling off of him, but John's gaze was filled with a direct challenge. Now was the time to figure it all out. To jump if she could, and to run if she couldn't.

John shifted slightly, opening up a space between them, and he patted the wooden deck invitingly.

_Can I do this? _

She took the spot between them, taking a deep breath to try to steady her nerves. She knew them both. One, she loved. One, she liked. There was no hiding, no sneaking around...it was all out in the open.

John wove his fingers into the hair at her temples, his first kiss tentative, gentle... he was waiting for her to break, to run. Kaidan's hands wrapped around her waist, supporting her.

_I can. _

She wrapped her arms around John's neck, relaxing her lips under his. He took it as the invitation it was, his kiss deepening, his hands sliding under her shirt. He was strong, warm, an intoxicating mix of aggression and care, broad under her grasp.

"Kaidan." He breathed, releasing her. "Let's take this inside, and you can get it started."

"Okay." Kaidan agreed slowly, helping Jenna up. "We'll take this inside..." His gaze was locked on her face, he needed what he had needed before, the first time they'd been together here. A firm, verbal consent.

"Yes, Kaidan. We'll take this inside. And we'll do this."

It felt surreal, to let Kaidan lead her into the bedroom they'd been sharing here, to feel John's fascinated stare when Kaidan began to undress her. "It's okay, Jenna." He whispered, "We'll take good care of you."

And of that, she had no doubts.

He dropped her shirt to the floor, following it up with her bra. "Pay attention to me." He instructed, "He's not there. It's only me, for now." That was easy to follow when he buried his face in her breasts, his embrace tightening, his breathing ragged. She could feel the pounding of his heart, his growing engorgement against her belly...all she had to do was close her eyes and it was wonderful.

A moment of reality, to fight her way out of her jeans and shoes, helping Kaidan out of his...doing her best to not look at John. _Just Kaidan. _And it had been awhile since she'd been with him, weeks. His touch made her head spin, his lips on her breasts, sucking on her nipples, his hands low on her belly...promising more. His erection was insistent, butting against her thigh. For a moment she truly forgot that they weren't alone...until John touched her, a gentle hand on her shoulder. He had stripped as well, naked, proudly hard.

What? Jenna had no clue what she was supposed to do. It was like her first time again, suddenly uncertain as to just how this worked. John sat behind her, his thighs on either side of her hips, before he wrapped his arms around her waist and boosted her up as he laid back on the bed behind him, lying beneath her. He then rested her knees on the outside of his, spreading her legs with his as he relaxed under her.

Kaidan hissed in answer, and she could feel John's cock resting along her lips... shown in all of their glory to Kaidan. She could feel him use one hand to push John's cock against her thigh, holding it there, rubbing it against her. "John, you want to give me a hand here?" His voice was more confident, more assured. "Hold her...open?"

John's hand slid down, spreading her lips with his fingers, his face resting against hers. "Shh." He soothed, his other hand cupping her breast, his lips against her ear. Any doubts she had fled in a heartbeat, when Kaidan gave her a long, leisurely taste, curling his tongue around her clit on the upstroke. The awkward uncertainty was gone, slammed away by desire... she wanted them. Both of them. Right then, right there.

"Oh, god!" She wailed, tensing against the man who held her close and tight. John gasped as she squirmed against him, his erection still pushed hard up against her thigh, held there by Kaidan's hand.

"Holy shit." John mumbled, "This is awesome."

It was, indeed. She hung just on the edge of orgasm, panting, toes curled, and securely embraced by a man who was obviously reveling in every noise, every breath, every squirm and tensing that she made against him... while someone else worked to give her pleasure. He was free to just watch, to just feel, to just hold on.

And with nobody else for miles, she felt comfortable enough to give full voice to her release when it came, letting go of a guttural, lusty yelp before collapsing back into John's embrace. He laughed outright, planting a kiss on her cheek before he suddenly froze, his grasp on her tightening. "God, Kaidan!" He growled. His cock was still between her thighs, and Kaidan had simply switched his attention over to him, pushing his length up against Jenna's wetness and taking his head into his mouth. It was her turn to simply experience what he was feeling, every breath. Every moan. Every muscle that tightened, his heart pounding against her back. It was the single most erotic feeling that she had ever experienced, to be a part of this. "Yes! _Yes_!" He bucked underneath her, arching against her, his arms wrapped tightly around her. "God, Kaidan, too damned long!" He shouted, and suddenly, convulsively relaxed under her.

"Too damned long." Kaidan mused, finally coming up for air. He gave the pair of them a long, rather indulgent stare before sliding two fingers deeply into Jenna. She was never done until she'd actually had sex... oral was great as a tease, something to get her started, but it was never a finisher. She was more than ready for him still, hot and wet, and he penetrated her deeply, slowly, gaining speed with each thrust while John cupped her breasts and buried his face in her hair.

"Harder." She breathed, locking her knees on his hips, feeling the world start to fall away from her... She was so damned close, he was close. She could sense it, feel it... and then it was there, for both of them. He collapsed on the bed next to John, and Jenna slid off of the other side, stunned. It had really just happened...

And it wasn't over. Apparently she wasn't the only one that considered oral simply a start, because John still had a fine erection and a wide grin to go along with it.

He turned, and gave Kaidan a passionate, no holds barred kiss and Jenna felt the awkwardness start to lurk again. There was no etiquette book that she knew of which dealt with this, not even close. Did she stay? Did she watch? Should she leave? No, she wasn't going anywhere. They were all supposed to be a part of this, and this was integral to it. She was along for the ride...all of it.

John's head was spinning, he was so hard that it hurt. His original plan had been to take this easy, careful...cautious. To avoid freaking Jenna out at all costs, one tiny toe into the tub at a time. Not to throw her into the icy deep end of adventure like this, but he couldn't stop it now.

He ran his hands over Kaidan's body, exulting in the familiarity of it. Slim, muscular... but he had new scars that required memorization, John followed the widest of them with this tongue...tasting, learning. Jenna was leaving, going away, and he growled internally. Too much, too damned soon, but there was no helping it now. He'd just have to talk her down later, after he could think straight again. Right now, he just had to have Kaidan...his greatest friend, his lover, his steady rock. He wrapped his fingers around Kaidan's face, thumbs at his jawline, fingers woven into Kaidan's hair, staring into his deep brown eyes. There were white strands at Kaidan's temples, just a few, like the first flurries of snow pushed along black asphalt, and that was a more sobering realization than he cared to think about. He'd joked about it, but they were a whisper of a fact that could not be denied. Neither one of them was young anymore. They'd been through hell together, seamed with scars and branded by conflict.

"I love you, Kaidan." He breathed, "Never forget that." And it was never clearer than it was in moments like this, with nothing between them. When they were more naked than simply lacking clothing, open and vulnerable. _A deeper relationship with someone I'm already close to..._

He ran his fingers down Kaidan's belly, lined with muscles, drawn with scars, and settled his grip on his thickening cock, pulling along its length, feeling it stir and swell again. Kaidan arched luxuriously, closing his eyes and letting his knees fall open. "We've lost Jenna." He murmured, closing his hand over John's.

"Nuh-uh." She disputed from the doorway, and John glanced over his shoulder in surprise. She was indeed back for more, a smug, slightly wicked grin firmly planted on her features.

She seemed content to simply lie on the bed, just out of reach, which was more than good enough for John. She hadn't abandoned this, she hadn't run from it, spectating was more than acceptable.

He'd always loved this, resting on Kaidan, both them fully erect, throbbing next to each other, caught between bellies... the hot friction when each of them gave into the urge to thrust, to push against each other. "I need you." He hissed and Kaidan simply chuckled in answer, wrapping his legs around John's waist to give him entry. That seemed to be what Jenna had been biding her time for, she slid closer, up against the two of them, and she grasped John in a firm, warm and very wet hold...pulling up his length, leaving him coated in chilling slickness. He growled in response, understanding suddenly what she had left for...and returned to do.

Kaidan smelled like sex, he tasted like sex when John captured his lips...to breathe in that glorious moment when he entered him. _It's been too damned long, too damned sporadic. _He wanted to make a habit out of this...there really hadn't been that many times with Kaidan.

So damned tight, so damned hot around him...he was engulfed by it all, overwhelmed again when he thrust into Kaidan. He was alive. Kaidan was alive. They were together, what more could he ask for? So many things to be grateful for, to grab onto and never let go of...

He let it all go, falling into his rhythm, becoming one with Kaidan's ragged breaths, pushing his way to a shuddering, thundering orgasm and collapsing into Kaidan's embrace.


	24. Chapter 24

Kaidan woke to the first dim glow of dawn lighting the window above his head. The bed was crowded, he'd ended up in the middle, with Jenna on one side, John on the other. John was asleep on his stomach, face turned in Kaidan's direction, one arm slung across Kaidan's chest. Jenna slept on her side, pulled up tightly close to him. Well, it was either that, or she fell out of bed...

"I think we're going to need a bigger bed." He said, and John opened his eyes. Jenna slept on, obviously deeply asleep.

"Agreed." John replied softly, but not whispering. "My arm has gone numb hanging off of the side. I assume the larger bed here belonged to your parents?"

"Yes." And that gave it a squick factor that Kaidan wasn't willing to try to overcome. Especially since he was bringing his mother up later today, it was her room. It always had been. And now it was haunted by a loss he still needed to come to grips with. He'd been burying it, pushing it away into a corner...focusing on his own life, his own problems, but it wasn't going to vanish. It would only wait.

"Well, I suppose it's too soon to hit people with this, anyway. I'll take another room tonight. Probably wouldn't be a bad idea to give Jenna some time to digest what has happened."

Well, Jenna wasn't exactly the only one who needed time for that. It had been great...oh, who was he fooling, it had been fucking _wonderful_, but still. It was a lot to think about. He sighed, extricating himself from Jenna by climbing over John. That maneuver gained him a raised eyebrow and a smirk, the ghost of a touch across his lower back when he turned to sit on the sliver of bed next to John. It felt so good, so right, when John sat up behind him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and resting his forehead between Kaidan's shoulder-blades. "I missed you." Kaidan breathed, feeling suddenly, oddly overwhelmed, small in a silent world. "It was empty..."

"Hey. None of that." John let go of him and stood up, obviously giving Jenna a wary look. Kaidan already knew she slept deeply, and would stay that way for awhile...she tended to, after sex. "Let's take a shower. We'll talk."

Kaidan nodded, striding out of the room towards the main bathroom, hearing John gently close the door to the bedroom behind him. At least his parents had splurged on the large, walk in shower here. He'd never really even given its size any real thought before, but it was large enough for both of them...all three of them...

"Nice shower." John grinned, and Kaidan laughed, getting the water started. He'd dreamed of this more than once, and today it was real. He had John up here in the Okanagan, in the house he loved. John, alive and well. "Kaidan, knock it off. Whatever you're thinking about..._don't_. I can feel you from here. It's a beautiful day, everything's good. Enjoy what _you_...what _we_...fought to have. You bled for it. You deserve it."

The water was warm, and Kaidan stepped into it, closing his eyes and sighing gustily. John was right, of course. He usually was. "I still missed you."

"I know. And I'm sorry." John growled, stepping in behind him. "That's two I owe you." He rubbed the soap under the water, and began to scrub Kaidan's back, making wider and wider circles in the suds. "I'm glad to see you tried to put your life back together this time."

"I did, yes. Thought I was doing a pretty good job." The attempt at levity felt empty, hollow. He wasn't going to apologize for Jenna. He'd done the best with what he'd been given...

"Kaidan." John breathed, pulling him close. "You did a hell of a job. You always have. And then afterward, you tear yourself up with doubt. We'll make this work. Hell, it _is_ working."

And Kaidan had no answer to that one. It definitely seemed like he was correct in that, it was working. "I can't believe she went along with that." He felt some of the pall dispel and he had to chuckle. "Sober."

"Sober." John repeated. "She's a good sort, Kaidan. I like her. We'll give her a good send off to Candyland, a nice weekend. We all deserve it."

"It was her idea in the first place. Before Hackett spoke to her about joining up..." Kaidan had no illusions, Jenna was hardly the woman that John would have chosen. He was a little surprised that the pair of them actually got along as well as they definitely seemed to. John had been correct, he'd needed that time with her, alone, up here. He tended to run on his instincts, and those rarely failed him. Kaidan plotted, planned. John acted, reacted. They made a good team.

"Stop trying to sell her to me." John stated firmly, handing him the soap and imperiously turning his back to Kaidan. "I'm not going to tell you that I _love_ Jenna, you know I do not. And I'm sure she doesn't _love_ me. But I like her, and I think she likes me. It's good, Kaidan. Stop _worrying_."

"Right." Kaidan agreed, returning the favor of a good back scrub. "I'll be leaving soon to go get people. Jenna will sleep for awhile longer..."

"Habit she's going to need to break." John said, planting his palms against the pale marble walls of the shower and arching his back. "That, and the hair."

"I love the hair." Kaidan sighed, knowing that John was correct. Even in Candyland, it would be the first thing to go. "And I love knowing _why_ she's sleeping like that."

"Oh? _Oh._" John laughed loudly, "_O_kay, then. I'll give her this one, she's earned it."

.`.`.``.`.`.`..`

Jenna woke to the sound of male voices and birds... and the sudden memory of the night before. Oh, boy. Once again, she'd done something rash, impulsive... something that would only make sense if she'd been drunk. And once again, she hadn't been even remotely intoxicated. This went a little, no, a _lot_ beyond even what she'd done with Kaidan. This was... She laughed, stretching luxuriously in the rumpled, twisted sheets. Crazy. Just insane. Brilliantly, wonderfully, madly insane. She'd always avoided trouble when she'd been younger, too cautious, her mind constantly at work weighing pros...cons...the cost of acting up, of acting out. She rarely drank, and never to excess...it was too stupid. Too many things could go wrong. Always. Only on the ice, had she ever truly risked anything... and even that had taught her a lesson. What had she gained from it all? Bitter memories and more of a strain on her family relationships... if she'd been like Julie, without that expectation, she could have at least had a lackluster life in peace. She'd tried and tried, and had failed in spite of it all.

But this, this was scary crazy...scary in the way that it didn't seem to quite fit into the usual 'stupid' heading of full bore crazy. It wasn't going to end her up in jail. Since they both were well aware of each other, she wasn't going to have the shit beaten out of her for two timing them. It seemed to be on the up and up. Even if she ended up unexpectedly pregnant, she had the feeling that wouldn't exactly be a tragedy at this point...except for her report date.

So...why the hell not? What did it hurt? And was that coffee she smelled, rising stronger than the apples in the air? She clambered out of the bed, listening. Still just John and Kaidan. No other voices. No other presences. She nodded to herself, wrapped herself up in the sheet and paddled into the kitchen. They were both there, dressed, sharp, and ready to take on the day. And here she was, in a sheet, with a mass of untamed hair knotted around her face.

"Agh! She rises!" John teased, but turned to pour a cup of coffee for her.

"Morning, Jenna." Kaidan greeted, most of his attention locked on his omnitool.

"Morning reports. He's still officially _Normandy_'s captain." John noted, and she took the cup from him. It all seemed so damned normal. They were just going to let it go like this... Kaidan doing reports, John relaxing in the kitchen. No silly innuendos, no cutting comments... John met her eyes easily, steadily. He pressed his lips against her forehead, a greeting, a promise, a thanks. She felt safe, cared for, watched over. She'd do whatever it took to keep this, to nurture it. Uncomfortable, awkward, challenging, it didn't matter. _Nothing worth having is easy..._

But it was time to take a shower, get dressed...and start getting the house ready for a _Normandy_ invasion. She stood on her tiptoes to return John's kiss...on the chiseled line of his stubbled cheek, then moved to give Kaidan the same. "I was thinking." Kaidan said, "About the sleeping arrangements this weekend. I think the best thing is for the three of us to take over the downstairs apartment. One bed, one couch, one bathroom...and a door."

Jenna nodded. It was home, even more of home than up here...just steps away...was. It would give them a modicum of privacy, the edge of plausible deniability until they came out and faced this. "Right. I'll get started on it."


	25. Chapter 25

John was more than willing to follow Jenna's directions, starting with dragging two of the pig carcasses out of the freezer and ending with helping her set up volleyball nets. It all seemed so blindingly humdrum... peeling potatoes while Jenna handled laundry duty, making beds, doing the washing up and basic cleaning...cooking beside her. She tended to work in silence, which he normally found refreshing, except when he needed to get to know a person, and do it fairly quickly.

"What did you want to be when you grew up?" He was betting it wasn't bartender or waitress...

She gave him a sideways, wary look, then sighed in defeat. "Oh, hell. You'll find out eventually anyway... I was an ice skater. After that ended, I should have been smarter. I should have stood up for myself then, and gone on to college. I screwed up. I know it." She grimaced at the memory, her eyes shadowed for a moment before she shrugged. "I loved science in school. I was good at it. I could have, _should_ have, done something with that. But I didn't. I let them win, I let them beat me."

"The people in the Kamloops brig with you." The snake, and the older, worn woman resigned to her predicament...

"Yup... that was my mom, and my sister...my _half_ sister. That was part of the problem Hackett had with finding me, I have my father's last name. So we don't share surnames."

"And your father was not picked up in that?"

"He died when I was seven." If her eyes had shadowed before, they turned absolutely stormy at that sentence. Sore point, he filed that away for later.

"Sorry to hear it." He sighed, resting a hand on her shoulder. He might not understand letting people beat him, roll over him, giving up. But he understood raw loss. "Were you any good? Skating?" It was probably another sore point, he'd probably be better off just letting it go, but he was curious. It was so incomprehensible to him.

She paused, dishrag in hand, thinking for a long moment before she finally nodded. "I was, actually." She smiled, like sunlight finding a break in the clouds. "Looking back at it with a little distance. Does it matter now?"

"Yes."

"Why?" She began to wipe down the kitchen, and he stared at her, judging her responses. She wanted him to change the subject, but if that was what she wanted, she'd have to damn well do it herself.

"Why? You tell me you were good. But then you tell me you gave it up. I've run with you, gone to the gym with you. If you have a career ending injury, I sure haven't seen it. I want to know why you quit."

She whipped around, tilting her head, her color rising. "You want to know why I _quit_?" She hissed. "_Really_?"

"Yes." Yes, he did. He wanted to peel back the pretty package and see her for what she was. And he was beginning to see the first tears in the wrapping now...

"Because I went out there and I skated that day. I did better than I had ever done before. It was wonderful. It was fantastic, John. It clicked. It was just like I had dreamed it, and I did it at Sectionals. I could honestly do no better, that isn't a lie. It isn't faking. I put it out all out on the line. And I still simply wasn't _good _enough. I was nineteen, and it was over. I was done chasing what I couldn't have, getting older, getting farther away, watching girls five years my junior beat me. I knew when I stepped off of the ice that I was done, and that was the performance I wanted to end it with. And if you're going to judge that, then you can go fuck yourself in the corner!"

She took a deep breath, gripping the edge of the counter and bowing her head. "I've done things I regret. I've not done things I should have, which I regret. But that...that isn't one of them. That is one of the few things I _know_ I got right. Sometimes...you're just not capable of something, and admitting to that yourself...after years and years of breathing for it... it's not easy, John. It's hard. It hurts. You call it quitting. I call it something else."

"And that _something else_ would be?"

"Letting go. Coming face to face with the realization that it wasn't going to happen and I needed to grow up and face that fact. What I did afterward wasn't, but _that_ decision _was_. Understanding that I was good. I was very, _very_ good. But that I wasn't _great_. That I never would _be_ great." She stared at him, weighing his response, and he nodded slowly. If that was so, then he could accept it. And she had enough of a backbone to stand up to him, to put him back in his place.

"Has Kaidan ever told you that you're beautiful?" He asked, and she gave him a long stare.

"Yes. He has." She said, shaking her head. "Why?"

"Because you are." He said, mildly. That statement was obviously not what she was expecting out of him, and she blushed in answer. He leaned in, giving her a kiss, lifting her up to sit on the counter in front of him. She smelled wonderful, and he thrilled to the feeling of her breasts pushed against his chest, the weight of her legs against his ass as she wound her knees around his hips. His hands fell to her rear, pulling her closer up against him, trailing kisses across her throat and the top of her breasts. He knew that they didn't have the time, the opportunity, to go far with this...but that was exactly what he was after. He wanted a little time alone with her, to touch her, to hold her...without pressure. To just share an intimate moment, to balm the emotions that he had dredged up and shaken out of her.

"What's this?" She asked, running her fingertips along his skull, against the grain of his shorn scalp. "Make up cuddle?"

"Something like that." He said. "I admit I pushed you. And I probably shouldn't have. I want this weekend to be good for all of us. It's our reunion, and your going away party. It's a time to hold on tight to what we still have. A celebration...and..." He tilted his head, more feeling than hearing the low growl of an engine. "That would be the Kodiak."

.`.``.``.`.`.`.`.

While she'd never consider herself a 'party girl', Jenna loved gatherings like this one. People she knew, people she felt safe amongst. A few of them were prickly, snarky, even insulting... but they'd never hurt her. They were all weird, it had been part of the job description for _Normandy_ crew members. She'd had no experience with aliens before meeting Kaidan, but the one she'd thought she'd find the most terrifying was the one she felt the most secure around... even when Wrex was stalking amongst the apple trees, fixated by something she could only guess at.

And then there were the two crew members she felt the least secure around... Ironic, because ostensibly, they were both the same thing she was, human and female. However, she'd realized a long time ago that Jack and Miranda were hardly the same as she was, and would be highly offended to be labeled that way. So Jenna treated them much as she had treated the patrons at her bar, at her hotel, with unyielding politeness and a wide distance. They were not her friends, they never would be...they were simply women that her fiance worked with.

"What has you so fascinated?" Hannah asked from behind her, her voice low.

"Watching Wrex stalk the vicious Canadian apple tree in its natural orchard habitat." Jenna pointed to the orchard... "He's in there somewhere. Every once in a while I'll catch a glimpse of him. Did you need something?"

"No. Everything is good. Great. My compliments to the hosts. But I wanted to see how you were doing."

"I'm fine. I have successfully lived down my stupidity, and then gone on to add more stupidity to it, which I will undoubtedly successfully live down at a later date."

Hannah chuckled, but there was an unconvinced weight to her stare. "Jenna. If you need help, just let me know. I have a pretty good idea of what John's got in mind, and..."

"It will work out in the end." Jenna replied, amazed at the calm in her own voice. "And yes, I know exactly what John has in mind. No doubts at all. I go into this with my eyes wide open."

"And Danielle?"

"Not as much, no." Jenna admitted. It hurt, she loved Kaidan's mom, the woman had been incredibly decent and kind to her, and keeping something this big from her seemed wrong. But she had to follow Kaidan's lead with that, and Kaidan hadn't even been forthcoming with the fact that he'd even had a long term relationship with John. There was a gulf there, and Jenna wasn't certain just how much of it was her job to help bridge. But this weekend wasn't for that. All of that angst could just wait...until she got back. "And it's not something I want to deal with this weekend."

Hannah gave her a look eerily close to John's when Jenna didn't behave the way he'd been expecting her to. "Enough on your plate as it is? With your Basic report date coming up and all of this. Understood. As for that, I have no idea why the krogan warlord is stalking your orchard. But if you're in the mood for mindless entertainment, there's always the guys playing shirtless volleyball on the _other_ side of the house. The side that _can't_ be viewed from the kitchen, which is not a place you should be haunting like you're the hired help. Come on."

The tableau was just as amazing as Hannah had suggested it was, a fine, fine collection of testosterone oozing masculinity, rippling in the sunlight... "Jenna!" Kaidan greeted loudly, "You play?"

"I sure do." She grinned, taking the spot next to Vega, and facing down John and Kaidan. This was something she was good at, something she understood and something she was willing to let her innate competitiveness run with.

It was great. Fun. And it truly felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. If they could have times like this, in spite of everything that had happened, then they could pick themselves up and rebuild.


	26. Chapter 26

It was odd to wake up in what he'd always considered to be the mother in law apartment of his own parents' vacation home, Jenna plastered against him, John asleep on the other side. They'd pushed the couch up against the bed in a fairly successful attempt to gain some more space, but if this was to become a daily event, they'd definitely need to invest in a much larger bed. But something had woken him up...it was early, even for him. He lifted his head up, listening to the house... Again, a muted roar, followed by another... he placed the sound of an annoyed krogan well before he placed the not so alien sound of a truly pissed off bear.

"What the hell is that?" John whispered, and Kaidan extricated himself from Jenna's loose grasp.

"Wrex. And a bear." He replied softly, sliding into his pants and boots, picking up a pistol. John shadowed his every motion, letting Kaidan take lead to the outside access door. "I doubt if he needs our help." Kaidan said when the cool morning air hit his lungs and John secured the door behind them. In fact, Wrex would be probably just be insulted if they took his fun away from him...

"I know. But I want to see it anyway."

Kaidan was expecting exactly what he'd seen up here before, exactly what Jenna had confirmed she'd seen up here, fairly small black bears. Something beneath a krogan warlord's notice, unless Wrex happened to be bored.

"Holy shit." He muttered when he got his first good look at what was facing off in the dim shadows of the lower orchard... Wrex, hunkered over in threat, his eyes burning red...and one very large grizzly, his equal in size and bulk.

"Ha! Shepard!" Wrex greeted them with a jubilant bellow. "Your pet?"

"Nooooo..." John replied, his eyes turning to Kaidan in disbelief. "This is your bear?" There was a weight of recrimination in that question, and Kaidan shook his head slowly. No, there was no way in hell he would have let Jenna come into the orchard by herself, if he'd known this was down here. He had a certain amount of respect for her abilities, from what he gathered of her upbringing, she could handle herself ably enough out here, and she had done just that, for months. But this...no. This was a threat. A real threat. To Jenna. To his mother...to several of the people he'd invited out here, and it would be drawn closer to the house by the luxurious smell of barbecue still hanging in the air. Many of the _Normandy_'s crew would react to this just as Wrex was, but enough wouldn't. Moving it was out of the question, and the threat to his family, his crew, was simply too much.

"Take that down!" He shouted the order, and Wrex laughed in answer.

.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`

Jenna woke to the sounds of several people above, someone singing mostly on key, laughter and she pulled herself out of bed and dressed. She climbed the stairs and immediately wished she hadn't... but it was too late to turn around and go back. She liked Vega, she was comfortable around him, and indeed, he sent her a wide smile in greeting. Joker, likewise. But the two women, no.

"Morning, Jenna." Vega said, not missing a beat in his cooking.

"Where's Kaidan?" She asked, trying to sound normal, even when Jack's eyes, Miranda's eyes, fell on her. There was no one here to attach herself to... No Kaidan. No John. No moms. She preferred the company of men, she always had...or older women. Not these two, they reeked of things she wasn't equipped to handle. But she'd die before she'd admit it to them.

"Wrex found a toy in the orchard. Alenko and Shepard went out to watch him play with it." Miranda explained, her gaze locked on Jenna. Jenna wished that she'd not simply thrown on the first shirt she'd come to, wished that she'd chosen something a little more adult, mature, restrained than a light, lacy shirt printed with strawberries and green shorts. _Damnit, this is a cookout. A barbecue among friends. I'm the one who's dressed for it, I shouldn't be ashamed. She's the overdressed one. Who the hell wears a uniform for this? _

"Toy? A bear?"

"You knew about it?" Vega seemed to find the idea much more interesting than it should have been. Were they all spacer kids, like John? Fighting for a world they'd never actually been raised on? "¿_El oso grande?"_

Jenna's grasp of Spanish was clunky but basically workable, one of her first jobs had been in a Mexican restaurant... But if Vega wanted to call it a _big_ bear, then he could if he really wanted to. Usually the bears in this area weren't that impressive... you had to go farther north to get the big specimens.

Kaidan stepped into the front room, a pistol drawn and loosely held in his hand. "Jenna." There was a gulf of concern in his voice. "If we could see you down in the orchard, please."

"Ah, sure." She'd love a cup of coffee and a plate of whatever the hell that was that Vega was making...it smelled fantastic...but she registered the edge of command in Kaidan's voice. And he'd never, ever used that on her before. "Coming."

He remained silent when he walked her down to the orchard, and that was exactly what he was doing. John was down in the deepest part, his stance wary, catlike, balanced on the balls of his feet, his pistol leveled, his expression locked. Wrex was growling, huffing, hunkered down in a way that Jenna truly did not like at all. She'd known that krogan were dangerous, but she'd always felt safe, comfortable around him before. And between John and Wrex, something she first thought was a huge pile of dead grass, but only the dead and huge parts were correct. It was the largest bear she'd ever seen before in her life.

"Shit." She managed, "Fucking grizzly, _here_?" She'd been down here just hours ago, alone. She'd always been careful, but never this kind of careful... her largest fears had been twisting an ankle, stepping on a rattlesnake. Things she really thought could hurt, kill, her while she'd been living up here on her own. This could kill her just yards away from help, even help as viciously impressive as she had here.

"Yeah. Kaidan breathed, "You've been up here for the longest, most recently..."

"I sure as hell didn't see any of these. I saw black bears."

"These are indigenous?" Wrex growled, and she considered him. Indigenous?

"To this area? This used to be part of their natural range... there have been sightings in lower BC before, so yeah...they're indigenous."

"I meant to Earth. I didn't realize you had such interesting creatures to hunt."

Hunt. Yeah, Jenna gave Kaidan a wary look. Were they going to report this, or were they just going to dispose of the body and hope that nobody else was the wiser? "What?" He asked, apparently oblivious of the fact that this was probably illegal, or had been before the invasion.

"Are we reporting it?"

"Oh." His brows raised in thought for a moment. "Jenna, it was too dangerous. I have the _Normandy _crew up here, you. My mom. John's mom. Joker. Hell, even the combat team could have made a misstep with this thing. But yes, I will be reporting it. Protecting the crew is justification enough...we didn't come back to fall to the local wildlife, Jenna."

"Hmmm. Well, Vega's working on breakfast." The bear was dead. Not much else she could be expected to do with it, unless the thought of eating it was going to come into play. Not that she wanted to even consider taking it away from Wrex...it was obviously his kill. And he could keep it if he wanted to. Hell, he could eat it all by himself. Somehow, home now seemed to be a little less safe, a little less of a place to run to.

"Hey." Kaidan had the amazing ability to sense when her moods changed, was she so transparent or was he simply that attuned to those around him? He wrapped an arm around her, resting his forehead against her shoulder. "It's okay, Jenna."

Another body on the other side, another arm wrapped around her shoulder, John standing protectively next to her and Kaidan. He couldn't make it any more obvious than that if he tried, and Wrex stared for a long, long moment.

"I see." He grumbled. "Can I eat this, then?"

Jenna could feel John chuckle in response, shaking his head. "Of course you can eat it, Wrex." He stated, "It's yours. Unless the two Canadians are going to say that it's poisonous or something. And even then, you'd probably eat it."

"They're edible." Jenna confirmed. "It's his kill."

"Hehheh." Wrex chuffed in contentment. "Damn straight."

Even though it had started out roughly, it became a glorious day, clear, warm and joyous. Once the morning fog lifted, it was easy to put the scene down in the orchard behind her, once she had Vega's carnitas in her belly and a couple of cups of coffee chasing it down, it all seemed to fade behind her. It was time for more volleyball, more laughter, more games, more food, drink and music. A celebration of life.

.`.`.`.`.`.`.`

John leaned against the railing of the porch, admiring the view. There was a lot of it to admire...a perfect, beautiful day, just as he'd dreamed of, fought for, once things had gotten bad. It was the gathering he'd barely let himself hope for...one without the desperation of the last 'party' he'd help host. Then, they'd been filled with resolve and a good measure of resignation. But today, there was none of that.

"You've been awfully mellow." He stated, feeling Jack come up behind him, her biotic charge flowing ahead of her. Jenna was everything that usually agitated her, but she'd been almost polite in response.

"Hah." She snorted, taking the railing next to him, gazing down towards Jenna and Kaidan playing a sedate game of badminton against Hannah and Danielle. "You mean that I haven't taken a swipe against her?"

"Yes."

"I'm bitchy, but I'm not stupid, Shepard." She nodded slowly. "_Normandy_ is all I've got. And even though he is one tightly buckled up son of a bitch, Alenko is part of that, and has always been. You are part of that. The quickest way I can break that, destroy it...is to go after _her_. Anyway, it's not like it's even sporting...is it?"

"No, it's not. She doesn't deserve it, either." Jenna was a genuinely nice person from what he'd seen, and the last thing she needed was either Miranda or Jack going after her. And it most certainly was not sporting. Those two more than had the capacity to kill Jenna without breaking a sweat, in that way, it would be like baiting a small child just for the joy of it.

"There are only two people I'm likely to end up working with now. You. Or Alenko. And my money's on him. So he went after a nice, clean cut, corn fed Canadian girl that his mom likes... predictable. She'll make him happy. But I am sure of a couple of things..."

He glanced at her and she shrugged in answer. "Alenko's on the short promotion list for O-7. He's been tapped to train biotics before, and with Hackett's push to bring the military back up to strength, his focus on training, his promise to leave Alenko here, at Vancouver, all point to a biotics school. Here, groundside. Don't want to piss _General_ Alenko off, do I?"

_General Alenko. _John frowned, he should have seen that coming. As she none too jokingly pointed out, Kaidan had always served on the straight and narrow. He was three years older than John. He hadn't lost any time in service to unfortunate periods of death and working for Cerberus. He'd been two grades higher ranked than John for quite awhile, and his record was marked with commendations.

"No long face. You're up for promotion as well, and you'll get _Normandy_ back."

_While Kaidan stays groundside. _


	27. Chapter 27

Report to _Normandy_. Jenna gazed at the message on her 'tool, confused. It looked very, very legitimate, but for the life of her, she couldn't understand why it had been sent. It breathed of command, and she was aware she was supposed to start answering to those now, but why _Normandy_? Why before she'd reported to Basic? It wasn't that she was busy, now that they were back from the Okanagan house, all she had was spare time until she left for Rio. She sighed, and walked the short distance to _Normandy_'s berth.

"Ah, Rolfsmeyer." Vega had been cooling his heels outside of the berth, and Jenna gave him a wary stare. Rolfsmeyer? Since when? He'd always called her Jenna, the same as everybody else... "Come aboard, we'll start off with the tour. Captain is ashore, so the ship is Lieutenant Moreau's."

"Lieutenant Moreau?" Who?

Vega gave her a half smile. "Joker. But for now, you'll forget that and call him by his rank and last name. But don't call him _sir_, except in public, in uniform, or we'll never hear the end of it." He ushered her aboard, and she paused. She'd never, ever been on an actual spaceship before, and to start with this one was awe inspiring.

"She's beautiful." Sleek, bright, shiny, gleaming, a work of engineering artistry.

"She is, indeed. CIC and bridge are this way..."

'This way' was most empty of people, it was obvious that the crew was elsewhere. The path ended at two chairs overlooking a great bank of displays and readouts, Joker lounging in the left handed one. "Afternoon, Jenna." He greeted, exactly as he always had, and Jenna took a relieved breath. So _he_ was not acting weird. "Vega and I thought it'd be good to give you a crash course in what you're going to get at Basic. A little bit of a leg up. Not enough to get you into trouble, but enough to give you an edge. First things first, you do not ever, _ever_ let them know who you are. Don't ever let them know about _us_. Not that I'd think you'd try to rub this in, but do not give it up, even if you're asked by your troopmates. You're Rolfsmeyer. You are absolutely _not_ Kaidan Alenko's fiancee. And you are absolutely _not_ tied to John Shepard in any way, form or function. Got it?"

"Yes." She'd already figured this out, but having Joker underline it in this oddly serious and forceful manner only reinforced that realization. "I got it."

"Good. Vega will get you started on the grunt basics, and then I'll take over and teach you ship basics."

"Thank you." She whispered, "Both. I mean it..."

"No need, Jenna. Least we can do. Go give 'em hell, it's all we ask."

.`.``.`.`.`.`

_Normandy. _She was so much more than a ship, she was a home, a haven, a comrade...as much a crew member as the living crew. She'd been brought back whole, and her presence balmed John's soul. Here, it finally began to seep in, to become truly real. He'd done it. He didn't remember how he'd done it, but he had. He made his way through the vessel, slowly savoring every step before ending up in front of the captain's cabin. The door opened before him, and he stepped inside.

_His, still? _It had been only Kaidan's for a good interim, and he paused in the doorway. It wasn't as if Kaidan would change things, no, he was the type to have left things exactly as he'd found them. In fact, John was a little surprised that he had moved in at all...but then, Kaidan had always loathed the sleeping pods. His rightful place towards the end should have been the XO's quarters, but that would have meant displacing Miranda...and Kaidan was too gallant for that.

And, it looked as if Kaidan had changed nothing at all. Everything was almost the same as John had left it, the fish tank lacked fish...the hamster was gone...but those were the only thing of real note. It was disturbing, he almost wished that something had changed, something to prove the passage of time...a reminder that they'd come through. "You are a real piece of work, Alenko." He chuckled ruefully, moving into the office. All of John's memorabilia was in place, the model ships, the helmet, his awards, his picture of Kaidan... Oh, and finally, something that was new, something that was Kaidan's, and he picked the second picture up, studying it for a long moment before replacing it exactly as it had been.

"I need a drink." He sighed, sitting in the desk chair and leaning back in it. He'd spent so damned long in desperation that he wasn't quite certain what he was supposed to do now. Saren. The collectors. The reapers. Dead. Not dead. Cerberus. Just one crisis after another, they'd been terrible, but they'd kept him in a constant state of razor edged focus. That resolve had become everyday, commonplace. He'd grown used to panic. And now, the world was a slow, grinding version of desperate that didn't lend itself well to his ability to save it as he had before. Now, he didn't know what to do with himself.

.`.`.``.`.

Jenna loped along with Vega's pace, the man ran like a metronome. And he felt...distant. Driven. He wasn't driving her, he was driving... himself. And now that she considered it, he'd been that way even during the cookout.

"Vega?"

"What?"

"I don't know...you seem distracted. Is something wrong?"

He chuckled, but there was little mirth in it. "Been kind of keeping it to myself, Jenna. Alenko knows, but so far he's it. But you and I, we've got something in common."

"Eh?" It was a beautiful day, clear, cool, still, Vancouver laid out before them. It was still a ruin, but that view had become almost normal. She'd stopped truly noticing it.

"We're both leaving on the transport to Rio in a few days. Both going to training."

"Ah, okay?" Somehow, she was missing something. Something that someone else would have gotten, and he was expecting her to get it as well. She didn't.

"I'm not sure why they're having Basic training in Rio right now, but it's always been the site for N training. Special Forces. It's been a dream of mine since I joined and realized what it was. And now I'm going."

And he'd been wasting his time trying to help her get ready for Basic? When he should have been focusing on his own progress? "You are one crazy son of a bitch, Vega." She growled, and he gave her a confused sideways glance. "You shouldn't be out here with me, you should be doing whatever you need to be doing to get ready yourself."

He clapped her on the back, shaking his head. "Killing two birds with one stone." He admitted after a long pause. "Training subordinates will be one of my tasks. I've never had a lot of experience with training, so you've been my guinea pig. But...the training I've given you is valid and necessary and will do you well, even with where you're going."

"Ah. Well. Since we're telling secrets..."

That gained her a steady, inquiring hazel gaze in response and he remained silent, waiting expectantly. "I...went and did something stupid." She admitted, and that simply got a raised eyebrow added to the baiting wait. "I'm not going to abbreviated Basic. I'm going to basic Basic."

He exploded into laughter. "You'll regret that in the short run. And be very, very relieved in the long run. It's a solid decision, Jenna. Who knows, and who doesn't?"

"You know. And you're the only one I've told."

"Then I will keep it to myself." He considered it all for a moment, then shrugged. "Even knowing that, there's nothing I would add to what I taught you. You'll do fine."

"As will you."


	28. Chapter 28

It was dark when Jenna arrived at the transport flight line, alone. Everybody had been more than willing to let her say her goodbyes the night before, Kaidan had taken her ring back for safe keeping, so here she stood. It was difficult to ignore Vega, he was pacing in the small terminal when she stepped inside, blinking against the lights. His gaze barely fell on her, and he gave no acknowledgment that he knew her, and she returned the same right back at him. He was in uniform. They were in public. Things changed, even she understood that. And this was part and parcel of that whole "Don't let them know who you are." thing they had going on here. It was time to simply be Rolfsmeyer... she grimaced at the idea. It wasn't the most graceful of surnames and had always lent itself too damned well to bad nicknames and general mockery.

She sat in one of the molded plastic seats, studying the view out of the window. What had she done? Whatever it was, it was too damned late to back out now. It was going to be a long couple of months...

By a half an hour later, there were a dozen of them sitting here, and Jenna sighed. They were all so damned _young, _and it was a disturbing memory of the last time she'd been the old one in a group of young'uns... and they'd whipped her ass then. Here she was, all over again. At least then, she'd felt like like an old warhorse, she'd known the drill and had been completely unfazed. Now she was just as clueless as they were. She sighed, leaning back... Kaidan had been pretty explicit in his last instructions, she was best off if she brought nothing at all with her. No changes of clothes, not even toiletries. She came with only the clothes on her back and some money, and that was only because there was something she was going to do during the short layover she was going to have in Rio before she reported. She'd never even been out of Canada in her life...

Again, too late now. The only way out was through the other side.

.`.`.`.`.`.`.`

Kaidan was not expecting to find John asleep in the Normandy's captain's cabin, but that's where he was. He sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed next to him, and finally giving in to lie next to him. John felt worn now that he'd let his guard down and Kaidan was relieved that he was willing to stop and rest, if only for a little while.

"Wha'?" John muttered, opening his eyes and lifting his head slightly. "Kaidan. I must have fallen asleep. I was lying here thinking, and...yeah. Oh, shit. Jenna..."

"Left this morning at oh dark thirty. I didn't go either, didn't want to be recognized. It's better this way, she understands." She was on her own now, and she'd be just fine.

"True." John flipped over to his side, resting his head on Kaidan's shoulder, an arm slung over his hips. He seemed more than content to remain silent, his eyes closed, his breathing even. "You're alive." It should have been a stupid, mindless statement, but Kaidan understood exactly what John was trying to express.

"Yeah, I am." He sighed, turning over as well, resting his forehead against John's, letting their breaths meld. He could stay like this forever, grateful to the pit of his soul.

"I was sure you were gone. London..."

Kaidan snorted, reaching out to pull himself closer. "I was sure you were gone. London." He echoed, and John gave a rueful chuckle in reply. "You doing okay?"

"Yes. No. I feel like a kid who's gotten exactly what he wanted for Christmas, but then realizes he has no idea how to play with it, or even he even _wants_ to."

"I'm sure there will be something else that needs killing soon enough, John. That's how it always is. Now is just a time to catch our breath. To live. Haven't we earned that?"

"If anybody has, you have."

"Bullshit." Kaidan sighed, wrapping his hand around the back of John's head and kissing him slowly. "We both have, John. All of us have. But it's okay. I'm here with you for this one, all of the way." And it was wonderful to just take this moment to breathe in his proximity, to be with him. To have the luxury of time, of peace, of intimacy.

.`.`.`.``.``.`.`.

Jenna had arrived at Rio with hair. A lot of it. She had not had a haircut since childhood, her hair was so much of how she saw herself. Her main identifier. One of her points of vanity. And now, the majority of it hung from her hand, tightly braided and rubber banded at both ends. She'd gone from 'long enough to sit on', a fall of blonde, to a mop top in less than an hour. She felt exactly the same as the moment she had decided it was all over, that night in Kelowna when she'd ditched the music picked out for her very carefully choreographed program and had decided to go with her favorite music, and the program she skated for herself when it had all become too much to take. The night she'd made a concrete decision as to her future and had set it all in stone.

The hair had to go. After Vega's crash course, she understood that it was so much more than simple uniformity, it was a glaring safety issue. There was too much of a risk that she could not get a perfect seal in a helmet with that much hair, and the idea of dying because of it...no. But she'd be damned if she was going to let the military simply toss it in the garbage...

She placed it in a box, sealed it up, and mailed it...back to herself in Vancouver. It was time to go reunite with the young'uns who were going to kick her ass, and to meet the coaches...er...RDCs... to get this mess all started.

A new day. A new life. A new place. She ran fingers through the awkward, springy mess on the top of her head... a new haircut.

Again, she arrived early. Only one of the young'uns was there before her, twisting her shirt nervously in her fingers. She had a small duffel bag leaned up against her leg, Jenna guessed she was barely eighteen, all wide eyes and dark hair.

"You cut your hair."

"Better me than them." Jenna grinned, sitting across from her. "I'm..." Apparently, it didn't make sense to even bother to give her first name. "Rolfsmeyer."

"Sorenson. You didn't bring anything at all?"

"Nope. Nothing at all." Just the clothes on her back, and those were left over from the occupation, ragged and worn. _"Take nothing you want to get back, Jenna. Trust me. Because you won't be getting it back. They'll issue you everything you need, and I do mean __everything__." _

The girl's eyes were now sad, like she was watching a stray puppy fight its way across traffic. Great, somehow, something that Jenna had said, or done, had made her think something that was probably wrong. Jenna, the unloved and wanted, eh? Hardly. But she'd figure it out soon enough, it wasn't Jenna's place to burst her bubble. The others began to filter in, and Jenna was content to go silent again, listening and absorbing. All young. All survivors, of course, filled with righteous indignation and a drive to go do something, _any_thing. Most of them had been too young to have enlisted before the invasion, so they were free of that question. Jenna had been old enough, but the idea of enlisting back then had just seemed like a non path. Nothing for her.

"All right. Everybody in a line, everybody on the truck. Now." A woman, a few inches taller than Jenna, turned out in an effortlessly perfect uniform, barked. And, so it began.

Kaidan had been correct, those who had brought bags were soon parted from them and their contents and they were lined up in what looked all too much like a school corridor, institutional, clean, under the hawk gaze of the older woman. They were sorted by name, and then by some bizarre rationale that Jenna didn't even begin to comprehend...something that got her cut out of the main line, where she wanted to be, and placed in something called the HTF line, population, two. She didn't like standing out at all, and was certain that this was not good. No matter how she tried, she couldn't fit too damned old into that acronym at all. And the other woman in it wasn't old... she was another one of these barely eighteens, she'd probably still been in high school during the invasion.

_I want to go home. _

Yeah, well, probably wasn't going to be anywhere near the last time she thought that. And she wasn't going to get to go, so all she could do was suck it up and put a brave face on it all. So she led her line of two in the direction she was barked to go in, and ended in up a large storeroom, shelves filled with clear plastic bags, plastic boxes, occupied by a single, civilian clad woman with a tape measure resting around her neck.

"Only two today." She chuckled, "Welcome to the HTF storeroom."

"HTF?" The other young woman asked, freeing Jenna from the necessity of it.

"Hard to fit."

Yep. It was definitely going to be one of _those_ days.

Jenna's turn came after the other young woman, having a surname that began with an R was turning out to be a handy thing indeed. She was ready to strip out of the clothes she'd been wearing when she was called, standing in her underwear while her first set of measurements were taken. Fittings were fittings, whether they ended with a beaded skate dress, or a military uniform.

The woman grunted, displeased and not bothering to hide it, and Jenna bit her lip. It wasn't as if she could lose weight, damn it. She'd gone through everything she had to make it to the end, and everything she'd gained recently had been muscle. There would only be more of that...during her high point, skating, she'd carried quite a bit of that. "Don't suppose you have a clothing allowance?"

"A what?" Everything was supposed to have been provided for. Kaidan had been blunt, but then...it had been years since he'd been through this. Had things changed without his realization?

"Sometimes we get recruits who know people already serving. People willing to give them some of their clothing allowance credits. You'd do so much better with your second set completely tailored. Otherwise..." The woman described a bounty over her own flat chest with her hands, dropping them straight down from their fullest point.

"I... don't know." Was this one of those damned "Don't let them know, whatever you do!" situations? There was a chance, but surely Kaidan would have mentioned it? He tended to be dreadfully conscientious.

"I'll check if you think there could be a chance. And..." She stepped back, folding her arms over her chest. "That answers that. So. Second set, fully tailored across the board. You owe somebody a really big thank you when you get out of here. I can get you turned out beautifully with this."

That was good. Or bad. Jenna wasn't quite certain.


	29. Chapter 29

It didn't take Jenna long to realize that Basic was a lot like Skate Camp, only with a lot more guns and a lot less ice. A whole lot of getting up way too early, exercising her ass off, falling often, getting yelled at incessantly, and doing her best to maintain the perfect balance of being close enough to have her squad's support, yet not so close that she became involved in their under the table crap. It was amazing how some things never changed...there was still the overachiever, except he wasn't going on and on about going to the Olympics, he was going on and on about N training. There was the 'what in the hell have I gotten myself into?' soul, uncertain and wavering. The 'I'm friends with everybody!' and their counterpart, 'I like none of you.' The 'know it all', whose all encompassing knowledge seemed to conflict with the lessons that Vega and Joker had taught her, so she doubted just how much that one actually knew. They were all just terribly cute, terribly young, and not nearly as frightening as they had first seemed. None of them were in better shape than she was, none of them seemed to have any sort of a major leg up on her. If anything, it was simply the opposite, especially in the third week, when the training began to subtly shift away from the physical towards the mental, and once again, she was parked in front of a screen and told to move people. And then, told to tell people to move people. Was this what it was like to be truly, truly _good_ at something? Was this what had happened in those little girls who had out-skated her, effortlessly?

_"You'll be just like every other soldier I have who will never be great... but they don't let that stop them from making all of the difference that they can. You'll never command. You'll never make it above Staff Lieutenant.."_

Hackett's words returned to haunt, or perhaps to taunt, her.

For the first time since this got started, Jenna began to let herself question at least part of that. If she was going to do this, then she was damned well going to do it the best that she could. Hackett might have gotten her into this, but she was going to see it through...

"You don't talk a lot." Sorenson stated, and Jenna glanced up from the manual she was reading. That was an unusual accusation, usually people commented on how talkative Jenna was. A chatterbox, her mother often accused her of, her teachers often at a loss as to how to shut her up. But Sorenson was correct, she hadn't spoken in hours. It was one thing when she was out there, doing stuff, leading, but here, in quarters...she found she had little to say. Seven years seemed like a insurmountable gulf here, and she suddenly felt very lonely. Very isolated. She could be a very social person, she loved the company of people she felt close to, connected with, but there was none of that here. She just wanted to hear one of those people, suddenly. Kaidan. John. Even Vega, or Joker...Danielle or Hannah. "What would you like to talk about?"

"How old are you?"

Ah, right for the throat. Well, at least it was better than asking about boyfriends...although that was probably coming soon enough. "Twenty five."

"What are you even doing here? Everybody wants to know that, you know?"

Well, that was a dumb assed question. This was Systems Alliance Basic Training/Rio, and Jenna was sitting in a chair reading a training manual, her hair cut madly curly short, clad in a uniform. It should be all too obvious just what she was doing here. But then, Sorenson was not the brightest light on the console panel here. Nice kid, however, and Jenna held nothing against her.

"What am I doing here?"

"That's a stupid question, Sorenson. It's obvious what she's doing here. This is basic training... more basic for some of us than others." Ah, Davikoff, speaking from just outside, in the hallway. While he was correct, it wasn't polite to go there, even for the overachiever of the squad. Mister "I'm going to N school!" himself, and Jenna was beginning to realize that had a high chance of being real. He wasn't just blowing smoke out of his ass, he was strong, smart, competent, and not bad to look at. He reduced Sorenson to a puddle every time he showed up...

"Belay that shit, kids." She sighed, shaking her head. What hell it was to be the adult in an all too young group. Most of the time they were mature, they'd come through hell, and then entered Basic, but every once in awhile they gave into stupidity... A sobering thought, because there was a larger gap in age between her and Kaidan. And about the same between her and John...

"Sure thing, Mom." He laughed, clapping his hand on the door jam. "Sorenson. Stop being nosy. If she wanted you to know, she'd _tell_ you."

"You can't tell me you don't want to know." Sorenson said from her bunk, sighing, and beginning to shine her boots. Jenna had won the top bunk in a vicious game of rock, paper, scissors...

He grinned, a wide, tooth baring smile, his green eyes amused. "I don't want to _know_, Sorenson. Trying to figure it all out is one of my few diversions in this place. Why take the fun out of it?"

"Pffft." Jenna breathed, "Did you need something, Davikoff?"

"Wanted to borrow your range tac notes." And that was becoming a nightly request. Jenna let him know it with a steady stare...he was taking his own damned notes, she knew it.

"What's wrong with yours?" She flipped through the notes on her desk, fighting the urge to be a bitch about it. He was the most palatable of her squad mates, the one whose abilities shone...and his shone in a different, yet complimentary, way to her own. He'd dragged her up things she just couldn't climb on her own, before. He could be an endless well of patience...with her. He deserved her hand up in return, even if she didn't understand why. He was doing fine on his own...better than fine.

"They aren't as good as yours." He answered bluntly enough. "I'll make it up to you in the field next week. You know I'm good for it."

And he undoubtedly was. Jenna had been solid enough in her basic soldier skills, better than she'd been expecting...she would come out of here with at least three proficiency badges. But her main strength was still what had brought her here in the first place, communications and tactics. No surprise. He, on the other hand, had to taken to soldiery like a fish to water. "Here." She handed him the notes in question and went back to her manual, knowing the exact moment he was gone by Sorenson's sudden relaxation.

"He likes you."

Jenna doubted that, at least in the way that Sorenson meant. "Shouldn't you be studying?" They had their first set of vocational tests coming up, their first steps to be chosen for their MVC, to decide their jobs in the military. Jenna already knew hers was set, she'd have to screw up in a major, major way to lose her predestined career path. Fleet Ground-side HQ in Vancouver, exactly as promised. But Sorenson, on the other hand... Well, she should be spending more time paying attention to what she was here for, instead of the young males that surrounded her. There was time enough for fun afterward, when Sorenson's future didn't hang in the balance. Oh, God. She sounded like a grown up.

"Confidence course tomorrow." Sorenson muttered, and Jenna wrinkled a nose in response. More bruises, more scrapes, more of the indignity of having Davikoff put a shoulder into her ass to give her a big push.

"First round of MVC aptitudes are the day _after_." Jenna reminded her slowly. Just because tomorrow didn't require studying didn't mean that they were in the free and clear. Well, maybe Jenna was...but she still wanted to know. She still wanted to push, to see her limits. To see how good she could be.

"You are not my friend." Sorenson sighed, putting her boots down and picking up her datapad.

_That's right. I am not. _


	30. Chapter 30

While John had always appreciated, depended on, and expected competence in his crew, sometimes he wished they weren't quite so good at what they did. _Normandy_ had been through combat, pushed beyond her specs. Kaidan had, according to the reports that John was studying, had been brought home in a coma, and later in a hospital. Their homeworld had teetered on the brink, yet they'd been one of the first ships and crew to return to the stars. And every single little detail was as well in order as anybody could have managed with the resources available. There was nothing to do here but admire the reports, both in content and style, that had piled up in his inbox. The only anomaly was very recent, after he'd returned and left the hospital, and it was Vega's sudden absence.

"Vega?" He asked, and Kaidan shifted slightly at his side.

"Gone to the Villa. You recommended him, I certainly recommended him again after I became his CO."

"Fantastic." He meant every syllable of it. James deserved it, he'd earned it. "So, Rio is our current training post?" Of course, they had N training there, he'd done his own there. But to send Jenna there...that pointed to a lack of more convenient options. It made psychological sense to send recruits far enough away from home to make running inconvenient, but this was overkill.

"Our military infrastructure took a massive hit. Target number one, across the board. Rio appears to be the first one we've gotten up and running again, and it's only running at a fraction." Kaidan leaned back in his chair, rubbing his eyes for a second before closing them completely, his face going lax.

"If you don't stop staring at that screen, you're going to get a migraine."

"I know." He sighed, "I just feel like I should be doing more. There's _so_ much to do that it seems like there's nothing to do. If that makes any sense."

"It does, yes." Everything was a disaster, but rebuilding was going to be a slow, tedious slog that had to go in a certain order. "How's Jenna?" It was hopefully something that would distract Kaidan from this...

"Have not a clue."

"Hmmmm." John responded. He understood the reasoning behind the communications blackout with Jenna, none of the _Normandy_ crew was willing to run that risk, apparently. He certainly wasn't. Now it seemed that Kaidan wasn't. James was in N training, he'd be doing well to remember his own first name at this point, much less have time and brain cells to reach out to anybody. Joker...might just.

"I'm sure she's not dead. And that she hasn't been kicked out. All in all, positive." Kaidan chuckled, and John nodded. But then again, it would take some doing for her to manage either in Candyland. It existed for the express purpose of putting uniforms on people who were extremely valuable to the military, but perhaps weren't really cut out to be soldiers in any stretch of the imagination. If Jenna could tell her left foot from her right, get dressed, and tie her shoes, she'd do just fine.

"I'm sure she's well on her way to getting her police tape." If John could have reclaimed the words, he would have...he could feel Kaidan cringe at the term. He was certain it was supposed to be some sort of 'award' but every 'graduate' was required to wear a single yellow and black fourragère cord looped on the outside of their left shoulder. It served as a warning to all those around them...

"Play nice." Kaidan growled, "We can't all be wearing N7 insignia."

True. Kaidan had never attempted N training, apparently BAaT had been quite enough abuse for him. But he was still a fine soldier, one of the best. "I know." Jenna hadn't exactly _chosen_ to join, anyway. He couldn't hold this against her...much. Well, he could, but he'd just have to get over it. "Dinner?" He invited, pushing the subject out of his mind. "And then we can come back here...?"

It was truly sad. He was a grown adult. Savior of the galaxy. And he was hiding his relationship still. He deserved more than this, deserved better than to be running around behind peoples' backs. But he had to wait, he had to be patient. Jenna needed to be home first, graduated, firmly in place in the Navy before they went there.

"Sounds like a plan." Kaidan replied, apparently much more at ease with the idea than he was. But then, he'd always been the patient one, the calm one, John's brakes when he tried to get going into insanity too quickly. It was a thankless job...

"You okay with giving up the _Normandy_?" He'd done a great job as captain... it seemed like a slap to just yank it back from him.

"_Normandy_ isn't mine. She never was. I took care of her until you could again, John. She's yours. And my days of being shipboard are numbered." His brows dropped slightly at the statement, and John sensed ambivalence.

"I'll fight it, if that's what you want." But that would be fighting against Kaidan's all too belated promotion... Kaidan had earned it. He'd served in a weird twilight position for way too long, following John's orders in spite of the fact that he outranked John, and had an impeccable service record.

Kaidan snorted in dispute, shaking his head. "I don't want, John." He finally admitted. "It was an amazing ride, I wouldn't change it for the world...but I'm tired. I love you, and if you really needed me to be there behind you...I'd kill to get there, of course. But I'm needed here. I want to be here. I'm not sure how many more times I can laugh at fate and still squeak out the other side. I..."

"No need to say more, Kaidan." He'd read Kaidan's most recent medical reports, one of the privileges of still being his 'commanding' officer, and they made frightening reading. Kaidan had made his choices, his decisions, and those included settling down and starting the long haul duty of helping to rebuild a shattered Earth, a devastated military. And John could think of few better suited to that... It was selfish, but there was a large part of him that found the idea of Kaidan safe, secure, and out of the line of fire now to be comforting. Kaidan and Jenna would make him a home, a place to be, a family to fall back on, here. And if Kaidan had lost his edge, through injury, exhaustion, or a straightforward desire to be elsewhere, then John didn't want him on his ship anymore. Maybe it really was time to end the fraternization, to let their relationship evolve to what it wanted to be now.

"Don't look at me in that tone of voice." Kaidan growled, flaring his nostrils. "I... can't leave my mother alone in this, John. I can't leave Jenna. I'm worn through and through... I don't see how you aren't."

"I'm more tired than you know, Kaidan." He finally admitted it aloud. It had been just his usual misbehavior to back talk Chakwas, and to slip the leash his mother had tried to keep on him. But he slept like the dead, and more than that, he wanted to sleep all of the time. He was still tremendously hungry, all of the time. And more disturbingly, things still hurt...still pulled...when he moved wrong. "But I'm..."

"Shepard." Kaidan stated calmly, moving behind him and wrapping arms around John's waist. It was a fantastic moment to just be bathed in his calm acceptance for what seemed like an eternity...until John's stomach loudly reminded them of the plans for dinner.


	31. Chapter 31

Jenna felt terrible. Up until this day, this hadn't been that bad of a deal at all. But this morning she had woken with a brutal sore throat and lymph nodes the size of key limes in her neck. She was, without a doubt, sick.

_Why, why, why? _Not today. She had a confidence course today, something in which she had little confidence in on her best days. Then three days of exams. Then... three days in the field. She was going to die. And she was a bitchy, bitchy sick indeed.

_Five weeks of this left. _It was suddenly too much, and she wanted to cry. Kaidan and John were at home, probably getting along nicely together...without her. She slid down the wall, hiding her face in her hands. Her forehead was hot, and there was a sandy, gravelly feeling deep in her lungs. Other than the realization that she was sick, the only thought that wanted to gain any traction was the bitter thought that everybody else was having fun without her. John and Kaidan...

_Stupid, stupid. They both went through this. And Vega...he's here, going through so much worse. He'd be disappointed. He worked so hard helping you..._

"Rolfsmeyer?"

"What?" She needed to get up. Staying down was the worst idea, ever. She'd skated while sick... this should be no different.

"What's the matter? I've never seen you stumble..."

Her first urge was to lie through her teeth, but Davikoff was supposed to be there for her. And if she was dragging ass during this confidence course, he would be the one to pull her out of it. He deserved the truth. "I woke up sick as a dog this morning."

"Enough to profile out of the confidence course today?" His knees popped as he squatted beside her, his palm rough and cool against her forehead. "Damn. You're burning up." He sighed, and before she quite understood what was going on, he'd gotten a hand under her knees and lifted her up.

"The hell?" She sputtered, but the world spun alarmingly at the motion. How embarrassing... she'd come through the whole invasion, the bitter winter afterward, stressed and hungry, without so much as a sneeze. And here, four weeks into Basic, in a climate as benign as Rio in spring, she got sick enough to where this didn't seem like overkill.

_I want Kaidan. John. I don't want to be here alone, like this... _

"What's the matter?" Somehow, he was striding into the med bay...how had she lost the moments between here and there?

"She's sick. Burning up, seems really out of it. Didn't answer me in the hall, like she'd fallen asleep or something."

She closed her eyes, and when she opened them again, morning had turned to night. "Crap me." She muttered, staring around. How long had she been out? How much had she missed? Was it over? She'd never been actually hospitalized before in her life...

"You're awake." She hadn't even noticed him, but Davikoff was obscured in the deepest shadow in her cubicle.

"You shouldn't be here." She whispered, and he waved her words off like a bug flitting around his face.

"I've got my shit squared away. Spending an hour hoping you'd wake up isn't going to hurt me...unless I'm caught here. You okay?"

She felt a hundred percent better, things made sense now. She was tired, yes. Her throat was completely numbed and tasted like a truly foul medication, her tongue was woolly and dry. Shaky, cold, a little dizzy woozy, but overall, a distinct improvement. "Yeah. What happened?"

"You caught strep. Knocked you right on your ass."

"Brilliant. Tell me it's Tuesday."

"It's Tuesday. 2100...not even late, really. If you're able to sit up straight by tomorrow morning, it'll be okay. Three days of classroom to recover... apparently this has been going around. I overheard your corpsman say that the Villa has cases in their N group right now..."

Jenna couldn't imagine worse. "What's up, Davikoff?" He'd been such a straight shooter here, never losing sight of his end goal. Why would he risk it by being here, where he shouldn't be?

"Need you here to keep me on my toes, Rolfsmeyer. I need something to run against...and in this class, you're it. You know shit you're not supposed to know, real shit. The stuff you do that the instructors don't ding you on, but isn't the same as what they taught you. You've learned that from somewhere, someone, who really knows how to do it. Like your crash armor mount. And no one can approach your tac scores. I want to see you second best in this whole class, and I'll fight for that."

"While you go top recruit." She chuckled.

"I invite you to try." He challenged, and she shook her head. She'd certainly try, of course, but it wasn't going to happen. "Ready for MVCs?"

She shrugged at the question, well aware that the tests were merely a formality and a curiosity. She was MVC locked, it was part of her contract with Hackett, and nothing that happened tomorrow would change that. His gaze sharpened at her reaction, "Rolfsmeyer, I know I said in front of Sorenson that I didn't want to know...but sometimes I know that there's something going on. Want to share? I keep secrets."

"My tests don't matter. I could sleep here for the next three days, and still get exactly the same thing." She finally admitted. "I came here MVC locked..."

"You were slated for Candyland, locked into tactics."

"Yup."

"Well." He pondered that for a long moment. "You're too damned good for Candyland. You'll show 'em when you go second recruit and rub that idea right in their faces. And you'll be in your seat tomorrow morning, in spite of this."

"So you'd rather spend barracks time hiding in my cubicle?" Not that she really blamed him for that one.

"They started off with the timeless game of 'where were you and what what were you doing' and segued into 'probable cheating partner left behind' from there."

"Ah. Which means Sorenson is unwinding, none too slowly." Both of those topics together were a bad combination, and Jenna was suddenly very happy that she was safely remote from her own bunk.

"Exactly. So." He sat on the little rolling stool, now eclipsed by her raised hospital bed. "Where were you and what were you doing?"

Really. He wanted to play it, here and now? "I was running away from home... I was in the Okanagan Valley when the hammer dropped. Nicely remote. I saw very little of it. You?"

"I was in a jail in Whitehorse. Nicely remote. Once they let me out of the cell, I saw very little of it. You're a little old to have been running away from home..."

"Says the guy who just admitted to jail. But if you must know, I was working on getting rid of an ex."

"Ex. Do you have a current?" Interestingly pointed question, but he seemed to just be making conversation, keeping her company, taking advantage of speaking with her without a gaggle of other ears listening.

"I do, indeed. You?"

"No. Don't want one...too distracting. I'm serious when I say what I want, Rolfsmeyer. N training. There's no space for anything other than that."

"The next Commander Shepard, high speed, no drag."

"There's a man I'd like to meet one of these days." He said, slowly standing up from the stool and pulling his uniform straight. "Just came by to see how you were doing, Rolfsmeyer. You look a whole lot better than when I ended up toting your ass here. I'll see you tomorrow." He barely waved, and vanished silently into the hallway.

_You want to meet Commander Shepard, eh? Have to see what I can do about that one..._

Jenna felt almost human in the morning, although she was relieved that it would be a classroom day. She had lost a lot of her voice, and still felt wrung out and wobbly, but she would cheerfully sit for hours. And that was exactly what she did, all of that day. And the day after, and the day after that, watching the ebb and flow of recruits come, and go. Apparently, her recruit class, and the tandem N class, would be known as the plague cycle, because it spread like wildfire. She had lucked out, although hers had hit hard and fast, she had recovered almost as quickly. Others proved not as resilient, and she sensed fear in her troop mates. What happened when an entire cycle collapsed? Would they have to repeat the whole thing? Would time be added to the end? It had been one thing to sit here, alone, when things made sense, set to a time table. But what about when they didn't? What if it came around again through those who had already had it? She was living on a steady diet of supplements and prophylactic antibiotics, the same as everybody else. She needed... a voice to hold her up, if just for a moment.

_Damn fool idea to contact any of them. _

.`.`.``.`.`.`.`..`

"I've spoken to Jenna." Hannah began slowly, and John glanced over his shoulder at his mother. So, finally, someone had broken the silence...who had done it first? His mother could have, she was distant enough from what they were trying to avoid. "She's scared."

"At Candyland?" He scoffed, "Hell, she's already halfway through." The worst, as it was, should be behind her. His mother gave him a hard edged stare, disapproval oozing from her pores, and he sighed.

"So, I figuratively held her hand, I told her everything was fine, and that this would all be over soon. And then I went to check on what she's upset about. There's a problem at Rio. The recruit classes...the N class, they've all been trading a rather nasty case of strep throat back and forth. Jenna's afraid her whole cycle may be a wash, and she's not overreacting. Vega's been hospitalized, he's out now...but his cycle may be a wash as well. Our first main training cycle since the invasion, and now we have this. Most of these slots were hand picked."

"Is she okay? Physically?" If the N class was affected, if Vega had been _hospitalized_, then this was a little more than the run of the mill cycle sniffles that every class had crop up. A real outbreak in their only active training post could be devastating...

"She looked okay. Said she's had it already, got over it quickly. Spent a night in the med bay for it, but that was it. But no one likes the idea of repeating a class, and we _need_ this cycle, damnit."

He only nodded in agreement, checking reports on it, himself. Yes, Jenna's statements seemed to be valid, and his mother's concerns equally so. But, even following the threads of paranoia tossed up by a few, it seemed to be a natural occurrence that they'd just have to weather. The end result of a stressed out, poorly fed population moved down to Rio and tossed together. It was simply a particularly virulent strep infection, happy to roam.

"Shit." He grumbled, "It'd be good to catch a break. I promise, I will contact Jenna and give her some support, and I'll do it subtly."

.`.`.`.``.`.`.

Jenna blinked, looking at the new message header. Norman, D.? Really? Who was the brain trust who'd come up with that one? It was a tongue in cheek pun...possibly Joker.

_Norman, D. _

_ Vancouver Interim Net/downtown node_

_ Hey, babe. Heard from Mom that things are getting rough. I'm pulling for you, just hang in there. Will let Kay know when I see her again, you can probably expect something soon from that corner. Love you, miss you, can't wait to see you. Will buy you steak dinner/beer/dessert on your release date._

_ Don._

She chuckled in spite of herself. John. It was a breath of sanity, distance from a mounting pile of concerns. If no ships would take recruits onboard, then how in the hell were they supposed to be trained? She understood the reasons, the last thing they needed was this to spread out of Rio, to the Fleets, but still. It seemed hilariously sad that things were falling apart because of this. Strep throat, of all things.

_Not falling apart. Simply inconvenienced. _ Ah, the sane, mature corner of herself, the one that thought going through a recycle wasn't such a big deal after all. _ Fighting what can't be fought. _True enough. She had no control over this, whatsoever.

"Hey, Rolfsmeyer." Davikoff sat across from her. He looked a little haggard, he'd held off the infection for quite awhile and his bout had been recent, but he seemed pleased enough. "We've got a ship. It's going to be just the class and the instructors, and after that she goes in for deep clean and refit...but it's a ship. _Chapultepec_."

"Frigate?"

"Frigate. I've never been..." He pointed solemnly towards the ceiling and Jenna nodded.

"Neither have I. Never really thought I would." The idea, even now, seemed more than a little farfetched. She was going to go to space...

(AN- A rather fidgety chapter...and one that has parts I'm not really happy with. Also the attack of numerous members of my Facebook sci fi/gaming/fantasy and writer group in an attempt to find some ailment that met the criteria I had to fill didn't go over well...they suggested everything from head lice to Legionnaire's Disease, but I chose to go ahead with the first version...a hyped up Strep strain...and I accept responsibility for that decision with the admission that it might seem a little difficult to swallow. Oh...now they've suggested _smallpox_...sigh...smh. No. Just...no.)


End file.
